


Home is with you

by Mirre39



Category: Larry - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anger, Betrayal, Cuddling, Fluff, Harry Styles - Freeform, Hate, Hurt, Liam Payne - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, Love, M/M, Niall Horan - Freeform, Rimming, Sex, Spooning, Touring, Zayn Malik - Freeform, falling, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform, walls
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 56,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24808471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirre39/pseuds/Mirre39
Summary: It's been five years. Five years since they last spoke to one another. Five years since they last saw each other. Five years since the words "I hate you and I never want to see you again" were yelled in their shared bedroom. Five years since Louis and Harry broke up. Five years since one direction went on their hiatus.What will happen when the band is reuniting, will the boys be able to put their differences aside for the greater good? Or will things just get worse? And will the dark events that happened during their five years apart push them further apart? Will Louis and Harry be able to find their way back to each other?-This is purely based on fiction, I do not own the boys or the band. This is all from my imagination. Also TW mentions of self harm, psychological abuse and physical abuse, mentions of rape/ being coerced into sex and mentions of attempted suicide. Read at your own risk.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 41
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> As you've probably gathered this will be a Larry fan fiction so if you don't believe in Larry then don't continue reading. I hope anyone who reads this enjoys it. Quarantine sent me down this dark Larry hole and I've always enjoyed writing so I decided to give it a try, see how it goes.  
> I've never written a Larry fic so I might not be great but I'd love some feedback through out the book. Overall I hope you enjoy it. Throughout the book I will give trigger warnings and I will give a warning before smut and stuff like that.  
> In this story all the boys will have their solo albums out, except for Louis he will not have released his music yet. That's the only change in the story.

Louis POV~  
3rd January 2020  
Today was the day. Today was the day that I was finally going to set a date to release my first solo album. I had recorded all the songs and everything was finished, all that was needed now was a release date. It was a new year and it was time for new opportunities. After releasing my album I was hoping on touring, it would be the first time ever going on a tour by myself. The thought of it scared me but I was ready for it, I've been waiting for this for so long and it was so close.  
The other boys had all released their own album or even multiple, they've toured and I was so proud of them. I did miss touring with most of them. Key word most, thinking about the band and the boys just reminded me of....him. I didn't want to think about him, it just brings up bad memories and puts me in a bad place. I shouldn't think of him, I shouldn't care about him, he clearly did not need me. He made that clear five years ago. I shook my head in hope to stop thinking about him. Today was about me, today was the day I'd make my dreams come true.  
I was stood outside modest/Syco management London offices, today was the day. I walked up to my agents office after the secretary let me through, I had to take a couple of deep breaths before knocking on the door.  
"Come in" I heard Brookes voice through the door  
"Hello" I said as I walked in.  
I was shocked to see Simon sitting in the chair across from Brooke  
"Hello, Louis we've been expecting you"  
"Yeh it's expected for the person who set up a meeting to show up" I said while giving him a look of confusion  
I knew Simon being here was bad news, he only showed up to meetings that had to do with the band.  
"Don't smart mouth me Tomlinson"  
"What exactly are you doing here, me and Brooke were going to discus a release date for my album"  
"That's exactly why I am here, take a seat Louis" Simon said  
"I'm sorry Louis, I should of called you but I was informed last minute that Mr.Cowell would be joining us" Brooke said while giving me a sympathetic smile.  
She was one of the few people who understood my situation and knew how unfair management had treated me and the boys over the years.  
"It's alright Brooke, so what brings you here today Mr.Cowell?" I asked as I took a seat next to him  
"Well Louis I am well aware that you've been wanting to release your first album, but what I wanted to discus with you is about a possible reunion with the boys" he said  
As soon as the words left his mouth I could feel my chest tighten and my hands got clammy. I could feel my breathing get quicker and more shallow, I started to feel my stomach churn and I knew the coco pops I had for breakfast would soon come up.  
"What do you mean? Louis just about to release his album and then go on tour" Brooke said  
"Yes I am aware of that, but it would have to wait and doing a reunion with the boys would give him amazing promo" he argued  
"No" I said my voice barely being audible.  
"What was that?" Simon asked  
"I said No, I don't want to"  
"What do you mean you don't want to?" He asked in shock  
"It means I don't want to do it, I want to release my own music and tour on my own, I've been dreaming about this for years. You can't just come in here and take away everything I've been working for. You just can't, I won't let it happen" I said as I felt myself starting to get angry.  
"I agree with Louis, he's been waiting for this forever, isn't it possible to push back the reunion by a year or so?" Brooke asked  
"He's not the only one who would be sacrificing something, the other boys are also giving up their tours and solo stuff"  
"Yes I understand that but the other boys have also had the opportunity to release their albums and do promotions, and go on tour" Brooke explained  
"As I said before this is an amazing opportunity for Louis and for his future album" he said  
"What if I refuse?" I asked  
"Louis I asked you out of respect, but in all honesty you don't have a choice. You have a contract and it's legally binding. I say jump you say how high" Simon said with a smug look on his face 

I balled my hands into fists, I could the anger rising in my chest, I wanted to bash his head against the table. My fists were clenched so tightly I could feel my nails digging into my palm. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, I unclenched my fists and open my eyes slowly looking up at Simon.  
The smug look was still on his face and that just angered me even more.  
"Have the other boys agreed to it?" I asked finally breaking the silence  
"Yes they have, you're the last one we needed to talk to, we new it would be harder with your upcoming album and all,but you do as Simon says, am I right" he said giving me a wink  
I bit my lip in hopes that I wouldn't lash out or say something I would end up regretting.  
"So what is this reunion then? A couple interviews and live performances?" Brooke asked  
"The five boys-"  
"Five?" I asked cutting Simon off  
"Yes Zayn will be joining or that's what we're hoping, we're just finalizing some stuff with his team. You and Zayn have smoothed things over right?" Simon asked  
"Yea about a year ago, I guess we're on friendly terms but it's not like it was before" I said 'nothing will ever be like before' I thought to myself  
"Perfect then there's nothing to worry about when you go on tour"  
"Tour?" I asked shocked  
"We never talked about a tour" Brooke said  
"You never let me speak, but yes a tour will be happening we have to start talking dates and stuff soon, that's why In the coming weeks you and your team along with the boys and their teams will have a meeting to discus" Simon said  
I looked over to Brooke, pleading with her in some way, I didn't want to do this, I couldn't do it. Today was suppose to be a good day.  
"The tour won't be the same, we're all older now and everyone has their own songs and stuff, different fan groups. It won't be the same as it was five years ago" I said with a lump in my throat  
"That is what will make the concerts even better, you could do covers on each other's songs and you can tease some of your upcoming album" he said  
"I'm not sure" I said looking down at my lap fidgeting with my fingers  
"I guess we'll have to see, but you all have loyal fans, you will be selling out arenas all over in a matter of seconds, well it was nice talking to you Louis but I have to get on going I'm a very busy man" he said as he got up  
"Chin up son" he said patting me on the back before leaving the office  
"Brooke today was suppose to be about me, this was suppose to be my year" I said still looking down at my fingers  
"I know, he completely blindsided us and I was so looking forward to see you release this album and go on tour, I know how long you've wanted this for, I'm sorry Tommo" she said  
"It's not your fault Brooke, you didn't know and it's not like any of us have a say in this. You heard him he says jump we say how high" I said quoting Simons words  
"I wish we would have known sooner, today was suppose to be about you and your album" she said shaking her head  
"What if- What if he's suggesting a tour because he knows no one would listen if I released a solo album and he wants to save me the embarrassment?"  
"Do not say that, you have hundreds of thousands loyal fans who have been begging for music from you and an album. This isn't about your singing abilities, the fans would have loved it and ate that album up and you know it. You are so talented and so many people have been looking forward to hearing music from you. So don't you dare doubt yourself Louis Tomlinson" she said getting frustrated at me  
"Okay" I said nodding as I looked up at her  
"I will contact the other boys teams and I will message you with information about a meeting" she said looking at her calendar.  
I just nodded not moving from the chair I was seated in.  
"Are you going to be okay with seeing Ha-"  
"Don't say his name" I said cutting her off "I'm sorry I shouldn't of snapped at you, I'm going to have to be okay with seeing him, it's not like I have much choice" I said with a sigh  
"I'm sorry I shouldn't of brought it up" she said  
"No no it's my fault I guess I'll have to get use to it soon" I said  
"It is whatever I guess, am I free to leave?" I asked  
At this point all I wanted to do was go home, get into my bed and sleep until next week. I was so exhausted from that single conversation.  
"Yes, I will text you the details about the meeting" she said  
I just nodded before standing up and walking over to the door.  
"Bye Brooke, take care"  
"Bye, you take care too" she said as I left her office. 

I let out a sigh as I took the lift down to the lobby, I said my byes to the secretary and people working at the front desk before getting into my car that was waiting outside. When I got in I slumped down In the back seat, my driver gave me a sympathetic look probably knowing my meeting didn't go well.  
"Can you take me back to my house?" I asked as I looked out the window  
"Yes sir, everything alright?" He asked as he looked at me through the rear view mirror  
"Yea I'm just tired" I lied  
He just gave me a nod before he started the engine and drove towards my house. I continued to look out the window, the only sound being heard was the busy London streets.  
Today was suppose to be a good day.  
—  
Here's the first chapter. I hope it was good! Thank you for reading! 😊😊


	2. Chapter two

Louis pov~   
Tuesday 14th January 2020  
-  
It's been over a week since my meeting with Brooke, I hadn't really left my house since the meeting. My days consisted of being up until really late, then sleeping in, eating coco pops, eating a bunch of junk and binge watching tv series. I knew it wasn't good for my health, but I couldn't go outside, I had fell down this dark whole and I wanted to stay here forever. I had barely checked my phone and i whenever I did get a text or a call I would ignore it. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone. Being home with Clifford and Bruce was enough for me.   
The same thoughts had been playing in my head over the past week, what do I say when I see him? How do I act? To be fair my last words to him were pretty harsh, but also deserved.  
I looked at the time on my phone and it read 2:46am, maybe it's time to go to bed I thought to myself.   
That's when I noticed the missed calls and messages from Brooke.   
I looked over the messages she had sent me and the last one read   
"Hey Tommo, I've been trying to get a hold of you for the past couple of days. I'm assuming your busy, but we've agreed on a date and place for the meeting. Me and the rest of the boys teams wanted the first meeting to be casual, just so everyone can catch up. We'll be meeting at the offices on Thursday the 16th at 11am. Then going to lunch after the meeting is done. I'm expecting to see you there Louis.   
\- Brooke"  
Ugh I thought to myself, why did it have to be so early and why did I have to get lunch with them. I just sent back a quick thumbs up before throwing my phone on the other side of the couch. The meeting was in two days, that's when the panic started to rise in my chest. How was I suppose to go through with this? How was I suppose see him after all this time and act like nothing happened?  
I let out a long sigh which caused Clifford to shuffle around in his sleep. I decided to pause the show I was watching and turn off the tv. I had been spending most nights on my couch, since my bed was too big and too lonely. I pulled up my blanket and closed my eyes in hopes to get a few hours of sleep.   
-  
7:34PM

Niall  
Hey Louis, hows it going? It's Niall by the way!

Louis   
Hey Niall, it's been a minute, I'm doing alright, how about you?

Niall  
Yea it's been a while since we last spoke, I'm doing alright. Looking forward to seeing you and the lads tomorrow. 

Louis   
Yea me too! 

Niall   
I know it might be hard seeing him again, but I'm always by you side. I just wanted to let you know that and if you ever need to talk, I'm just a call away. 

Louis   
Thank you I really appreciate that Nialler, I'm just feeling a bit nervous I guess. I'm sure you could tell. I just don't know how to act around him.

Niall   
That's completely understandable mate, I can't put myself in your shoes because I don't know what exactly went down and I can't tell you how to act or feel. But maybe just act casual, you don't have to actually talk to him or anything. You could completely ignore him 

Louis   
I would love to ignore him, but it feels childish y'know? But If I were to talk to him I would just get angry I know I would

Niall   
It's not childish, it's mature if you ask me. It's better than saying stuff you might end up regretting later. So ignoring him would be like taking the high road , not saying anything makes you the bigger person .

Louis  
I don't know I'll have to see how I feel when I actually do see him, I don't think there's any point in planing how to act when i might feel completely different when I actually do see him. 

Niall   
Yea you're 100% right, but don't let it stress you too much. It's gonna be all good, okay?

Louis   
Yea I hope so  
-  
Thursday 16th January 2020 - 10:24 am  
Today was the day of the meeting, I was looking at myself in the mirror, fixing my hair one last time. Niall said he would swing by and pick me up, I think he was just assuring that I didn't back out last minute. I looked at myself in the mirror and the bags under my eyes were very predominant. One look at me and you could see I haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. When ever I went to bed I just couldn't seem to fall asleep, there were too many thoughts going on. It seemed like my brain wouldn't shut up, despite how much I wanted it to shut up. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a car horn from outside. That has to be Niall, one last glance in the mirror and I was on my way. 

"Hey man" Niall said as I got into his car   
"Hey, hows it been?" I asked giving him a hug   
"It's been alright, how have you been? Looking a bit rough ey" he said looking at my face   
"Gee thanks" I said as I rolled my eyes   
"I didn't mean it like that, you just look a bit tired s'all"  
"Yeh I've been having trouble sleeping lately" I admitted   
"Worrying too much?"   
"My brain has just been all over the place so It's been harder to sleep, but it'll all be alright" I said giving him a smile   
"Hmm okay, but if you have trouble sleeping just call me you know I'll always be there in a heartbeat, we could play FIFA, just talk or I could cuddle you to sleep" he said while poking my stomach making me giggle a bit   
"I know and I promise I will call you if I can't sleep"  
"Good, I've just been worried about you and it's not great to be alone with your thoughts sometimes, it can lead you down a very dark and dangerous path. I don't-"  
"Niall please don't" I said knowing what he was referring to  
"I'm sorry, I just don't want to ever see you like that again. I never want to see you in that pain" he said looking at me with sadness in his eyes  
"I know you're just worried and I was in really bad place then but I haven't in over 6 month" I said looking at him   
"I'm proud of you and if you ever feel tempted or anything, I'll be there in a heartbeat you know that right?" He asked   
"Yes I know" I said putting my hand on his leg and giving him a reassuring squeeze   
"Okay good now let's get coffee and get this meeting over with" Niall said as he started the car   
"Let's do this" i said and took a deep breath   
It was now or never.   
The car ride to Starbucks me and Niall discussed his albums and the songs he had released, how going on tour alone felt. We also discussed my album and my plans after I release it, I even played him one of the songs. He told how much he enjoyed the song and that brought a smile to my face and made me feel a bit better about my music. It meant a lot to hear him say that he liked it.   
After getting our coffee we rushed to the office since we were running a bit late, I had recurved multiple texts and calls from Brooke asking me where I was.   
Me and Niall both out of breath ran up to the conference room the meeting was being held in both laughing.   
It was always fun being around Niall, he always seemed to make me laugh.   
Niall knocked on the door before opening it and the whole room went silent and looked over at us.   
"Sorry the line at Starbucks was so long" Niall said before looking over at me causing me to start laughing and he soon followed.   
"We don't have time for this childish behavior, will you two please take a seat?" Simon asked who was sitting at the head of the table   
Me and Niall just nodded before sitting down still giggling a bit. I looked around the room and I saw Liam with an admiring smile on his face, Zayn who also had a small smile, both of them sitting next to their teams. But he wasn't here, which was a huge relief.   
Me and the boys gave each other our pleasantries, chat for a minute, I introduced the to Brooke and Ali who were on my team and they introduced me to their teams.   
"Harry was unable to join us for this meeting, but his team is here and his representatives, but he will be joining us for lunch, is that right?" Simon asked looking over at the guy who has yet spoken.   
"Yes he's extremely sorry that he couldn't be here but he said he'd join for lunch" he said.   
The guy had short brown hair, he had a bit of stubble, he didn't look that tall, normal build, nothing special about him really, he had a kind smile though.  
"Too big to even attend meetings now" Niall whispered form next to me making me giggle a bit. I was quick to cover my mouth with my hand after earning a death glare from Simon.   
I wasn't really listening throughout the meeting, Simon was mostly speaking, mentioning a tour in a couple of months, promotions interviews and such, he mentioned tour wouldn't be as stressful as they use to be, max four performances a week. We all agreed to the terms and a bunch of other stuff.   
"So Louis" Simon said which got my attention   
I just nodded looking up at him   
"Since you and harry are no longer an item, I don't have to worry about that do i? No hiding and stuff" Simon said   
"Yup nothing to worry about there" I said looking at the table   
"Good I don't want those rumors starting again" he said   
"They weren't rumors" I whispered but I'm not sure anyone heard   
"You two will have separate dressing rooms and hotel rooms, right?"   
I didn't say anything I just nodded, during the 5 years together as a band me and Harry always shared dressing rooms, hotel rooms and so on. But not this time, this time it was different.   
For the rest of the meeting I looked down at my hands not bothering to listen to what was being said.   
I was snapped back into reality when everyone started to stand up. I glanced up at the clock to look at the time it was 12:43 pm, wow time does really fly by.  
"Where we going?" I asked Niall   
"Us boys, Simon and Jeff are getting lunch together"   
"Jeff?" I asked confused   
"Harry' guy" he explained nodding at the brown haired man  
"Oh okay, is- is he going to be there?" I asked my voice breaking a bit   
"Yea he'd be meeting us there"   
I didn't say anything I just nodded as I followed everyone out the room.   
"If you want we could get take out, go to mine and play FIFA and chill, blow off this whole lunch thing" Niall suggested to me   
"Are you sure? You could go I wouldn't mind, I'll just head home" I said   
"No of course not, lets go before they start asking questions" Niall said grabbing my hand as he began to run.   
I couldn't help but laugh and run along with the Irish idiot.


	3. Chapter three

Harry' pov~  
Thursday 16th January 2020 - 13:00   
I was the first one to arrive at the restaurant, I was extremely jet lagged, I had landed this morning from LA. I went straight from the airport to my house to take a shower and get dressed. Then I drove straight to the restaurant we were meeting at. On top of the jet lag I was extremely nervous about seeing Louis, would he talk to me, would he even look at me. I tried my best too not over dress and look casual, but I still wanted to look good. I wanted to look good for him, I hadn't seen him in so long. Yes I would occasionally stalk his social media and paparazzi pictures but it's not the same as seeing him in real life. I was exited and I had butterflies in my tummy, even if he wouldn't look at me or even speak to him, I wanted to see his pretty face.   
And yes there were a few occasions where is drunk dial him and leave him the weirdest voice messages not saying anything important really, mostly talking about my day or how I was hungry, stupid stuff because I couldn’t say the thing I wanted to say the most.   
I had seen him at a few award shows, never spoken though but sitting at dinner with friends was more intimate and he would be forced to either look or speak to me at some point, right?  
As I was sitting pondering to myself, I heard someone say my name. A smile came to my face as soon as I saw Liam with Zayn right behind him.   
"Hi, it's been too long I've missed you guys" I said as I stood up to give them hugs   
"Yea it's been too long" Zayn said   
"We've all been so busy with our music and stuff, we completely forgot about each other" Liam said   
"Yes, so what have you guys been up to?" I asked as we all sat down   
"Just some music here and there, I released my first album a year ago and I've been doing some performances here and there" Liam said   
"Yea pretty much the same here, released two albums and I've been more involved in my art lately, been painting and stuff" Zayn said   
"That's great, I so proud of you both, we've all come such a long way. I would love to see your art some time"   
"Yea I would love that" Zayn said   
"Hello boys" I heard Simon say and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.   
After saying my pleasantries to him and Jeff we all sat back down again.   
"So should we start ordering?" liam asked trying to break the awkward silence   
"What about the others?" I asked shyly looking down at my lap   
"Niall texted me saying he couldn't make, Louis wasn't feeling too well so he drove him home" Liam said giving my a small smile   
"Is he okay?" I asked trying to read Liams face   
"Yea I think he had some dodgy sushi last night" Zayn said   
I knew they were both lying and I knew Niall was lying, Louis wasn't sick.   
He just didn't want to see me.  
\- - - - -   
Louis pov~   
Saturday 18th January 2020 - 18:34 pm  
I was sitting in my car outside of Nialls house, he was having the boys over and he told me that he didn't have to invite Harry but I knew that would just be rude. And I'm a big boy I could have a normal adult conversation with him, I could be in the same room as him without bursting into tears. I was startled when someone knocked on my car window, when I saw it was Zayn a small smile formed on my lips. I got out of the car and pulled him into a hug. 

"How are you? You looked lost in your thoughts" he said   
"Yea I was just working up my courage to go inside" I said truthfully   
"You don't have to if you don't want to" he said   
"I will have to sooner than later, I will be on tour with the man I should just get this over with" I said   
"I'm not sure what went down when I left, but I've heard stuff and I heard that it left you in a bad place" he said   
"Yea I was in a really bad place to be honest" I said   
"Why didn't you call?" He asked   
"I don't know we left off in a bad place you and me, it felt stupid to call"  
"No matter how we left things off, you know I would always be there. You didn't have to go through it alone"   
"I know that now" I said   
"Good, I'm just a call away" he said bringing me into another hug.   
"Okay let's stop being sappy and go inside" I said pulling away from the hug   
Zayn just smiled at me as we walked towards the door. Zayn knocked on the door while I looked around at the streets and the lights.   
"Hello and welcome to my humble abode" was the first thing that left Niall' mouth after he opened the door.   
"Hello Nialler" Zayn said giving him a small hug   
I just smiled at the both of them as I pushed past them and into Nialls house.   
I just followed the sounds of the tv until I reached the living room where Liam was sitting and playing a video game.  
"Hey Payno" I said as I sat down beside him   
"Hey, hows your tummy doing, feeling better?"  
"My tummy?" I asked confused   
"Yea Niall said you weren't doing to well and that's why you never joined our lunch after the meeting" he explained   
"Oh yeh yeh, doing much better now thanks for asking" I lied   
That just caused Liam to laugh and shake his head, he definitely knew it was a lie.   
"Hey Liam does this shit look o-" Harry stoped mid sentence after seeing me.   
He has been looking down at the white t shirt he was wearing and trying to sort it out when he looked up and saw me. As soon as we got eye contact a smile came to his face and his dimples were now visible. His hair was parted down the middle and it was wavy, he had cut it after we broke up. I could tell there wasn’t any products in it. He looked like he had been working out none stop, his t shirt was tight around his chest, his pecks clearly visible and his arms looked so big in that t shirt. But one thing I also noticed was his nails he had painted them, I had seen pictures and such of him with painted nails. He was never too comfortable to wear it out but it seemed like he didn’t care anymore.   
"Hi" he said looking straight at me with those big green mesmerizing eyes.   
"Hi" I said my voice quiet and barely audible   
"Hi" he said again presumably at a loss for better words   
"Hi" I said again just making the situation even more awkward   
“Hi” he said once again   
It was a moment of silence just me and harry staring at each other.   
"I'm gonna go check on Niall and Zayn, and see what's taking them so long" I said as I got up from the sofa to go and look for Niall and Zayn.   
\- - - - -   
Harry's pov~   
"Ugh Liam I'm such a idiot" I said as I slumped down on the couch.   
He probably thought I was stupid saying 'Hi' about a million times. He probably didn't even notice my blue colored nails, or how my hair was styled, or the fact that I've gained muscles since we last saw each other. He probably didn't notice my new tattoo additions or the rings on my hands. The way he looked at me wasn't the way he use to, his eyes were filled with anger and hate, but the worst part is the hurt that was so clear on his face. He had dark bags under his eyes, he clearly hadn't been sleeping, he looked a lot thinner and his cheekbones more predominant. He had always been small but now he was practically drowning in his hoodie. He looked so fragile yet so perfect, when did he not look perfect? I just wanted to hold him and kiss away all the pain, but I knew that would never happen. 

"Yea that was pretty awkward" Liam said looking at me   
"He just looked so tired and hurt" I said laying my head on Liams lap as he continued to play his video game.   
"He is"   
"Wow thank you for making me feel better" I said as I rolled my eyes   
"Maybe you should ask to talk to him, take him to one of his favorite restaurants and then talk. I don't know what happened between you two but you guys were so close and we're going on tour soon, so maybe it would be better if you guys were friends again" Liam suggested   
"He hates me"   
"No he doesn't"   
"He said so himself"   
"He probably didn't mean it"   
"We both know he only says it if he means it" I said looking up at Liam   
"He probably doesn't feel that way anymore"   
"I beg to differ" I mumbled as I continued to look at the tv   
"We come bearing snack" Niall announced as he entered the living room.   
I quickly sat up straightening my shirt and fixing my hair quickly.   
"Could you be more obvious" Liam whispered to me  
"I just want to look good for him" I whispered back  
"What you two whispering about?" Zayn asked   
"Harry just asked if I thought his nails looked pretty" Liam said giving me a wink   
"Oh they're really pretty" Niall said   
"Thank you"  
Me and Liam were sitting on the sofa facing the tv, Niall and Zayn were in the love seat next to us all cuddled up next to each other, while Louis was sitting in the arm chair with a blanket around him and he looked so cuddly, I couldn't help but stare at him and his beauty. 

"I was thinking we could watch a movie" Niall suggested making me look away from Louis   
"Could it be a scary movie?" Louis asked and all the boys agreed   
Why did it have to be a scary movie, I'd have nightmares for days. Louis knew that, then why would he chose a scary movie? Was it to piss me off? Or did he genuinely want to watch a scary movie. After a couple of minutes of discussion they all agreed on 'The Nun', the title alone was terrifying.   
"Harry the movie hasn't even started and you look terrified" Niall said   
"I'm not a fan of scary movies" I said embarrassed   
"Don't worry, I'm here to protect you" Liam said giving me a cuddle. Oh how I wished it was Louis.   
I hadn't stopped thinking of him for the past 5 years, not a day went by that I didn't think about him. All my songs were about him and everything was always about him. But I didn't have any right to ask anything from him, i hurt him. It was on me, he had every right to be angry and upset. I just wanted to make it all better, make the pain go away.   
"Okay" I said as I snuggled into Liam   
As soon as the movie started we all got quiet, the only things other than the movie that could be heard were my soft whimpers and the boys snacking.   
The room was dark and the light from the tv was the only source of light. I couldn't help but look over at Louis every now and again.   
This time when I looked over I could see him looking at me, he quickly turned back to the tv and I couldn't help but blush and snuggle closer to Liam in attempt to hide the blush.   
He was looking at me. That was truly enough for me.   
It was another hour before the movie was done and I looked up at Liam who was fast asleep which truly confused me, how could one fall asleep during this horror. I looked over at Zayn and Niall where Niall was finishing off the last bits of popcorn and Zayn was looking at his phone. I looked over to Louis seat and he was gone. I quickly stood up gaining some protests from Liam who was holding me. Niall and Zayn both just gave me a confused look.   
"Bathroom" I lied and they both just nodded   
I stepped out into the hallway and i heard a soft humming coming from further down. I followed the sound and it lead me to the kitchen where Louis was stood with his back towards me with a glass of what looked like water in his hand.  
I just stood there staring at the back of his head like a complete fool. Before I could comprehend what was happening Louis was singing, softly, it wasn't a song I recognized.

" But these high walls, they came up short. Now I stand taller than them all. These high walls never broke my soul. And I, I watched them all come fallin' down. I watched them all come fallin' down for you, for y-" he stoped singing after turning around and seeing me standing there.   
"I'm sorry" I said, I myself didn't know if I was referring to the eavesdropping or the hurt I had previously caused him.   
"It's okay, you just scared me s'all" he said quickly   
"That was a beautiful song" I said referring to the song he was just singing "I don't recognize it, who sang it?" I asked   
"Me" was all he said   
"Oh it's really good, you planning on releasing it?" I asked   
"I was"  
"Was?" I asked confused  
" I should get going, it's getting late" he said putting the glass down   
"Before you go, I was wondering if you wanted to get some coffee with me to talk things over?" I asked him   
"I can't I'm busy" he said   
"I didn't tell you when" I stated   
"I'm busy all week" he said   
"You performing that song?" I asked him with a smile, I was so proud of him   
"No" he said coldly   
"Do you have interviews or meetings?" I asked determined to find out what he'd be doing   
"No"   
"Photo shoots?"   
"No"  
"Visiting family?" I asked   
"No"  
"Then what are you busy doing?" I asked with a confused look  
"Take a hint styles, Im not busy I just don't want to get coffee with you or see you" he said with an annoyed look.   
His words hurt, they always hurt but they're justified. I didn't want to seem hurt, I could feel the anger rise in my chest.   
"Get over yourself Louis, I was doing it for the bands sake, you're acting like I would want to go and get coffee with you" I snapped back   
As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it, why had I said that. Why am I so stupid?  
"Whatever styles" he said as he brushed past me and walked into my shoulder. As he walked past I got a waft of his scent, he smelt like cigarettes and vanilla, I missed his scent. I wish I could just hug him.  
I knew my words had hurt him. Why are you so dumb? I asked myself.   
I went back out to the living room after a minute or two, when I got back the boys had put on another film but Louis was no where to be seen.   
"He left" Niall said obviously aware I was searching for him   
"What did you say to him? He seemed upset" Zayn asked   
"Nothing" I lied as I sat back down next to Liam who was still fast asleep.   
Why are you such a idiot styles?


	4. Chapter Four

Louis pov~   
3rd February 2020 - LA - 9:35 am -  
It had been a bit over two weeks since the thing with Harry happened at Nialls house. Who did he think he was talking to me as if I was the absolute scum of the earth, he had no right to talk to me like that. It was absolutely disrespectful and it didn't make me hate him any less than I did before, more even.   
I had just gotten to the house I was renting here in LA, I had the whole day ahead of me, well we were doing a official interview announcing our reunion on the late late show with James Cordon. I was nervous because I knew after the interview it would only be the beginning of so many more interviews and eventually the tour.  
-  
Louis   
Hey Niall, I just landed in LA, was wondering if you wanted to get food and hang out?  
Niall   
Hey me and the boys are currently at Harry' house, you could join us. But if you don't want to I could come to yours with some food and we could chill   
Louis   
No it's okay I can come to Harry', If hell have me.   
Niall   
Of course he will, why wouldn't he? Here's the address xx-xx-xx  
Louis   
See you soon x   
-  
I was currently stood outside Harry's house in LA, it wasn't the house we had shared previously and I'm thankful, because I'm not sure I could of handled the memories. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. I waited until the door swung open to reveal a dripping wet Niall.   
"Why are you wet?" I asked confused   
"Because we're having a swim" Niall said with his boyish grin "come along" he said grabbing my arm and dragged me towards the backyard   
Niall soon let go of my hand and yelled cannonball before jumping in the pool splashing me in the process. Liam was lying in one of the sun bed tanning and Zayn was on another sun-bed laying in the shade, while Harry was laying by the pool with his eyes clothes and in very short swimming trunks. The droplets of water rolling of his tanned toned chest, his shorts making his legs look even longer. His shorts were wet and tighter around his groin and I couldn't help but stare. Oh god it's been so long I thought to myself   
"You enjoying the view?" Harry asked with a smirk   
"Get over yourself styles" I said looking away trying to hide my blush.   
I wasn't really dressed for a pool party, I was wearing a white T-shirt, adidas track bottoms and my old school vans.   
I didn't say another word to Harry before walking over to Zayn.   
"Can I cuddle with you?" I asked   
"Aww is little Tommo in a cuddly mood today?" Zayn asked in baby voice   
"Shut up" I said as I laid down next to him on the sun bed and he wrapped his arms around me.  
"I saw you checking Harry out"  
"I wasn't checking him out" I said as I tried to hide my face in his chest   
"So staring right as his crouch doesn't couldn't as checking him out?"   
"Was it that obvious?"  
"Yes"  
"What do you expect me to do, he is good looking and have you seen that body?"  
"Please don't get hard against my thigh" Zayn said   
"I won't, can't too much hate towards him for him to turn me on"   
"What did he do Lou?" Zayn asked   
"I don't want to talk about it" I said   
"Louis"   
"Don't make me go and cuddle Liam instead" I threatened Zayn   
"I'm not anyone's second choice" Liam said   
"You're always my first choice" Zayn said to Liam with a adorable smile   
I just looked at him with raised brows and Zayn just shrugged, but I could see him blushing.   
"So are you going to tell me what he did?"   
"Not now" i said   
"Okay I'll hold you to that"   
"Is it weird that I still find him attractive despite hurting me the way he did?"  
"No he is hot" Liam said   
"Are you just eavesdropping on our whole conversation?" I asked   
"Forget about him, no it's not weird as Liam said he is attractive. Just because you think he looks good doesn't mean you have to go back to him nor does it make you 'weak' or anything of the sort. Even if I don't know what he did I know he hurt you deeply and I think it just shows that you're the bigger and more mature person you can acknowledge what he did but also acknowledge his beauty. I think it shows that you've moved on" Zayn said   
"Thank you" I said snuggling closer to him "but I am weak"  
"What do you mean?"   
"I have yet to talk to him, how can I claim to moved on or be the bigger person if I can't even forgive him"   
"You don't need to forgive him, you could just be neutral, like not picking fights, upholding a civil conversation and stuff like that. Nobody is telling you to forgive him" Liam said   
"I guess I could do that" I said while thinking about it.   
Nobody is asking me to be best friends with him or hold his hand and kiss his cheek, just friendly and civil. That's all I have to do.   
"Look at you Lou being the bigger person" Zayn said   
"But this doesn't mean I have to go and get coffee with him?" I asked   
"No, only if you want to" Zayn said reassuring me  
"I don't want to"   
"Then you don't have to" Zayn said   
"Enough of this talk it's boring me" I said in hopes to change the subject   
"Niall where is the food you promised me?" I asked sitting up a bit   
That's when I saw Harry looking at me and Zayn with anger in his eyes.   
"What's his problem?" I whispered to Zayn  
\- - - - - -  
Harry' pov~   
I was laying by the pool when Niall walked in with Louis right behind him. Before anyone could say word Niall yelled out 'canononball' before jumping in the pool and splashing us all. I wonder what Niall had to say to get Louis here, what did he have to promise him I thought to myself.   
When I looked up at Louis to say hi to him I noticed him staring at me, first I was uncomfortable because I thought it was filled with anger. Then I followed his eyes, was he-? He couldn't be checking me out, could he? My suspicions were confirmed when he was looking right at my crouch. It made me want to somewhat gloat, I felt smug and it gave me a confidence boost. And not to like it turned me on a bit, the thought of him checking me out, wanting me, lusting for me.   
That's when he saw me looking at him and I decided to be a bit of a jerk and ask "you enjoying the view?"   
The only response I got from him was "get over yourself styles" before he looked away and walked Over to Zayn.  
I didn't like when he called me styles, it felt so distant, cold and it some what hurt. I watched him as he walked over to Zayn and lay down on him. It was unfair, I was suppose to be the one cuddling him, not Zayn.   
"What's wrong Harry" Niall said swimming up to the edge of the pool where I was laying.   
"Why is Zayn cuddling him?" I asked like a jealous five year old   
"They're just friends" Niall said   
"I know, but I don't like anyone else touching him" I said   
"You are aware that after you guys broke up, he didn't exactly stay celibate for the past five years" Niall said   
"I know I saw in the gossips magazines, sleeping around with every pretty blonde he could find. I'm sure there were men in the mix that just wasn't shown" I said bitterly   
"You shouldn't be one to speak, you also didn't stay celibate" Niall said   
"Stop saying celibate it sounds weird, yes I've slept with others after Louis, it's a known fact. It doesn't make me less jealous though" I said   
“I’m saying this with love, but you have no right to be jealous” Niall said   
“I know” I said with a sigh laying back down   
I glanced over at Louis from time to time, at some point he was giggling and his eyes would go all soft and the crinkle by his eyes would appear, then he’d look serious with his eyes stern and a vein popping on his neck. Then the worst of them all hurt, it would wash over his face, it was so clear the life sucked out of him and his bright blue eyes would go dull.   
Before I had the chance to look away Louis was sitting up and yelling “Niall where’s the food you promised me?”   
He caught me staring and a disgusted look washed upon his face, before he dropped back down into Zayn arms and whispered something to him.   
“We ordered shake shack, I ordered for you, I know your our order” Niall said back which Louis replied with a thumbs ups. 

“Niall can I ask you a question?” I asked   
“Yea have at it”   
“When things ended with me, how did he take it?”   
“What do you mean?” Niall asked confused   
“Was he like just sad for a week then moved on or did it take like a year to get over me?”   
“Harry I can’t answer that”  
“Please Niall” I practically begged   
“I’m not sure he ever got over you” he finally said with a sigh   
“Do you believe in soulmates?” I asked   
“Yea but not in the sense that everyone had one soulmate, I think every person has a couple of soulmates you know. One they’re destined to spend the rest of their lives, but other soulmates they’ll love throughout their lives, then there’s platonic soulmates. Like you and me, we get each other on a deeper level and we love each other but we’ll never be more than just friend, you get what I mean?” He asked   
“Yea I understand, who do you think Louis’ soulmate is, the one he’s suppose to be with for the rest of his life? Do you think it could be me?” I asked with hope  
“You know that’s not a question I can answer” he said   
“I think he’s my soulmate, the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with” I said confidently   
“Maybe” he said   
“No im sure of it, I’ll make sure of it” I said   
“Just don’t be too much and be kind to him, I know he might not show it but this is all hurting him and it’s overwhelming. Just don’t push anything on to him, give him his time and space” Niall said   
“I want to make him feel better”   
“I know you do, but the best thing you could do for him right now is to stay away from him” he said   
“I think the food is here” Liam said out loud   
Niall just nodded before climbing out the pool and wrapping a towel around his waist to go answer the door.   
I looked over at Louis and his head was rested on Zayn chest, he’s eyes closed and his pretty little lips parted, I could tell he was sleeping. He always looked so pretty while sleeping.


	5. Chapter five

Louis pov~   
📍late late show with James cordon - 7:47 pm  
"Go talk to him" Zayn said for what felt like the hundredth time today   
"No" I said as I got the finishing touches on my hair done   
"You know how our fans are, they'll pick up on the slightest tension, so just go over to his dressing room and just be like let's be civil and it will be done with" Zayn said  
"But I'm not the one suppose to apologize, he is" I said pouting like a child   
"Come on just go there" Zayn said pushing me towards the door   
"Fine, but If I end up killing him it's on you" I said as crossed my arms and walked out his dressing room. I slowly walked towards Harry' dressing room, I could hear soft music coming from the open door. Since the door was already ajar I took it as a invitation to walk in to his dressing room. I stoped in my tracks when I saw him looking at himself in the mirror, his arms hugging his torso. He was only wearing a pair of black lacey pants, I know Harry enjoyed wearing lingerie but it was only on special occasions. Maybe it was a full time thing now. I couldn't help but look at his toned body in the mirror. Soon our eyes locked and a look of embarrassment or shame maybe, washed over his face. 

"What are you doing?" He asked angrily reaching out for a towel on the chair   
I didn't say anything before walking out and closing the door after me. I obviously couldn't speak to him now, it would be too weird or awkward. But I couldn't lie he did look good in those black lace panties, the black fabric looked so good against his milky complexion and his cute little butt.   
"Did you talk to him?" Zayn asked as I entered his dressing room again   
"No he was busy" I lied   
"Okay talk to him after the show then"   
I just nodded and sat down on his couch the image of him standing there in front of the mirror looking vulnerable would not leave my head.  
Time passed as my nerves grew even more, it’s been five years since we as a band did anything together. Yes there were people obviously speculating since our ten year anniversary is coming up and since Harry,Zayn and Liam were spotted having lunch together. All five of us been spotted together which somewhat made the rumors die down a bit.   
We were all hurried over to where we were going to enter the stage and join James, we were just waiting for the announcement.   
“You weren’t suppose to see that” someone whispered in my ear. When I turned to look at who it was, I came face to face with harry. His face only centimeters away from mine and I could feel his warm breath on my face.   
“Sorry I should of knocked or something” i said looking down at my feet   
“Please don’t tell anyone, I know you hate me and all but please don’t tell” he pleaded   
“Why and who would I tell?” I asked confused   
“I don’t know but to like embarrass me”   
“It’s your life Harry I’m not bothered enough to share what you do or don’t wear under your trousers” I said   
“Okay” he said a blush creeping up on to his cheeks “Could we go out for coffee tomorrow or something?” He asked   
“How many times will I have to say it before you get it? I don’t want to get coffee with you. There’s nothing you could say that would make me change how I feel about you. I don’t want to hang out with you and if it’s for the bands sake then we can both agree here on the spot that we will be civil. Nothing more needs to be said” I said my fists clenched at my sides   
“Yeah sure civil” he said after a moment of silence to process what I said.   
I didn’t say anything else but looked out to where James cordon was sitting.   
“You all know and adore these boys, it’s been awhile since they’ve been on a stage together, they are our British and Irish heartthrobs. They have a song called little white lies but when they told us 18 months that was one big fat lie, ladies and gentlemen I’d like to welcome one direction” James said half laughing at his own statements.   
We soon walked out and the audiences cheers were much more audible, this was something I’d never get use to. I just smiled and waved to all the people before going over to James and saying Hi.   
We were all somewhat squeezed on the couch that was there, Niall closest to James then me, Zayn, Liam and Harry on the furthest end. 

“Welcome guys, it truly is a pleasure to have you all here” James said “it feel like it’s been ages”  
“Yea it’s been a minute since all five of us were seated here” Niall said taking the lead on this question   
“Yea Yea, I think we need to address the elephant in the room, Zayns back” he said trying to make it the least awkward he could   
“Yea, I think just being away for a bit doing my own thing was what I needed and when I was contacted in talks of a reunion I knew I couldn’t turn it down. I’ve missed being out there with these boys” Zayn said with a smile   
“So you boys have worked out your differences?” He asked looking mostly at me   
“Yeh Yeh we are all good over here, I think we all just had to mature a bit to discuss it and get over the stuff we all had said and Yeh it couldn’t be better” I said giving James a slight nod   
“That’s great to hear, how has it been doing your own stuff releasing your own music?”   
“I think speaking for all of us it was really nice, we were able to explore different genres I guess you could say that we didn’t together, we all sort of discovered what our thing was and what type of songs we enjoy preforming. And we could sing about our own personal experiences and more personal stuff that we couldn’t as a band” Harry answered   
“So you are saying that your music is based on real life experiences, like love, loss and breakups” James asked looking at Harry with a knowing smile  
“Yes for me personally my music is based on my own experiences” Harry said smiling back at James   
I wasn’t going to lie I hadn’t heard any of Harry’ songs, when ever they’d come on radio I’d turn it off, at award shows I’d leave the venue right before his performances. It would be too painful to hear his voice it was the same with the voicemails he use to leave me, I’d delete them without listening.   
It was too painful to hear his voice, it still is.  
“I guess being the pop sensations you all are, people must constantly speculate who your music is about” he said almost giggling   
“Yea I guess so” Liam said   
“Are any of you currently in relationships?”   
“No, I think we’re all single actually” Niall said and we all nodded in agreement   
“Interesting” James said “going back you your music Louis, I think I’m speaking for the fans here but I think everyone was expecting you to release an album soon, I think there were rumors about that going around, any truth to them and can we be expecting new music from you soon?”   
“They were really rumors I guess, I was planing to release an album, but then the reunion happened and I couldn’t do both at the same time but I think after our tour I will be releasing a album and I might release a song or two while on tour” I said   
“Well I can’t wait to hear your new music, going off what you said, you will be preforming your solo songs on tour?”  
“Yea I think that’s the plan, to do cover on each other’s songs or a group performance. It could be really cool to do so” Liam said   
“Well I will be front row at all your LA shows” James said with his trademark smile.  
“We will be keeping an eye out” Harry said   
“So do you guys have an official date for when the tour is starting?”   
“Yes our first show will be 20th March in Sydney Australia” Niall said   
“And when will the tickets be available?”   
“On the 10th of February” Zayn said   
“You heard it here first guys, tickets available for the one direction reunion tour 10th February” jame said looking straight at the camera. “We will be right back after the break with one direction” James said   
As soon as the camera stopped rolling I felt myself sink down into the couch, I was so exhausted I couldn’t wait for this to be over, So I could nap. I wasn’t listing to what the boys and James were discussing I was just in my own thoughts. When Niall nudged me in the leg a sat up straightening the shirt I was wearing. 

“We are back with one direction” james said resulting with a bunch of cheers from the audience   
“Harry it was your birthday two days ago, what did you do to mark the special occasion?” James asked   
Holy shit how could I forget his birthday, even if we weren’t together it was still rude, maybe i hurt his feelings. Why did I care?  
“I just had dinner with the boys in my house over here, Louis was still in London so he couldn’t make it but he wished me a happy birthday. We just hung out ate dinner and cake” he lied   
I had forgot his birthday, how could I forget?  
“So about five years ago you boys said you would be going on a 18 month hiatus, to clarify that’s one year and six months, how did that turn into five years?” James asked with a amused look on his face   
“I think it was just meant to be 18 months but we were all enjoying what we were doing and some of us were touring so we pushed it by another 6 months and when time was up we were still not ready to come back together as a band so we just kept on pushing it forward and here we are now” Liam said   
“So who’s idea was it to do a reunion?”   
“I’m not sure actually, I was approached by management” Zayn said   
“Yea same, but I believe it was Harry’ idea” Niall said   
“Yea me and Liam had met up and we were discussing it and I ended up mentioning it to management” Harry said.   
So he was the reason I couldn’t release my first solo album, I don’t know why but it just made me hate him even more.

James continued to talk about the tour and our songs and the boys solo tours and albums. I just laughed at his jokes not saying much, answering some questions that were directed at me. I would look at James and the audience from time to time.   
“Right after the break one direction will be preforming their song night changes” James announced   
After a break and getting miked up and taking our positions on the stage, we were ready to preform.   
It was nice, it felt like a life time ago since we all were standing on a stage together. I missed it, I missed the feeling preforming, the rush and excitement I got from it. After preforming I could still feel the adrenaline pumping throughout my body and it felt electrifying.   
\- - - - - -   
Harry’ pov-   
I was standing in my dressing room after the performance. I had gotten changed back into my black sweater and blue flared jeans. I couldn’t wait to get home and wash the hair products out of my hair and just sleep. I was still experiencing some jet lag, but overall I was doing okay. The announcement went pretty well. I haven’t even dared to go on twitter or Instagram yet because I knew it would be a full on melt down and I wasn’t up for it tonight.   
I heard a knock on my door and my head snapped towards the door.   
“Come in” I said with a shaky voice, I knew who I was hoping it would be despite how he talked to me earlier on today. I was hoping it was him   
My smile dropped when I saw Niall walk through the door, obviously I wasn’t sad to see him but I was hoping it would be Louis.   
“Wow does my presence bother you that much” he asked laughing   
“No no it’s not that, I just thought it would be someone else” I said truthfully   
“Does that persons name happen to begin with L and end with ouis?”   
“He was so mean to me today, right before the show, I asked if we could go get coffee tomorrow and he was so mean Niall and I know I sound like a baby but he said he didn’t want to see me but we’d be civil for the bands sake. And I guess that’s something but I don’t want to be just civil, even before our relationship he was my best friend Niall, he would make my feel better when I was home sick, he would make me breakfast in bed when I was actually sick, he made me feel so confident in myself. He would encourage me to wear nail polish and wear what ever I wanted, he made feel so good about myself and I hope that I made him feel safe and confident within himself too. I know I was the one to hurt him, but am I a bad person for wanting that again?” I asked   
“I don’t think it makes you a bad person, and I do believe you made Louis happy and feel confident and all that. But If you want to be with him just so you could feel happy then I think that makes you a bit selfish” he said truthfully   
Was I being selfish?  
“It’s not like that, I don’t remember the last time I saw him genuinely smile, yes he laughs at jokes and smiles at people, but it’s not the same as it use to be. There use to be a light behind his eyes, they were the brightest things ever. The prettiest shade of blue that I’d ever seen, prettier than the ocean and sky. But that light is gone now, his eyes look dull and I don’t know tired maybe. But I want to be the one who put the lights back in his eyes, I want to make him feel safe and secure. I want to cuddle him to sleep every night, I want to take care of him when he’s sick, I want to be there on his worst and best days. I want to make him happy and I want to make him smile and laugh. The laugh where he gets shy and covers his mouth with his hands and his eyes crinkle. I want him to shine, because he’s my sun” I said “does that make me selfish?”  
“No harry, it doesn’t. He’s just been through so much and I think he just figuring it out” Niall said   
“Like what?” I asked referring to the stuff he’d been through  
“It’s not my place to say” he said “common let’s go me and Louis are riding with you, if that’s alright with you?”  
“Yea it’s okay” I said grabbing my stuff before following him out.   
I got in the van to see Louis sitting his head resting on the window, his lips parted, sleeping. He looked so peaceful his chest slowly rising and falling, he looks so beautiful.   
Niall sat down next to me, as we both were looking at Louis who was seated across from us peacefully sleeping.   
“Do you know where he’s staying?” I whispered to Niall   
“No but I’m taking him to mine he can crash there for the night”   
“Okay good” I said “where’s Zayn and Liam?”   
“I don’t know Zayn said he was exhausted and couldn’t wait around and I believe Liam followed him” Niall said and I just nodded   
I couldn’t help but smile while looking over at Louis, he’s so pretty.   
My pretty sun   
“Why you smiling?” Niall asked   
“No reason” I said as I could the blush creep on to my cheeks.   
For the rest of the ride towards Nialls house it was completely quiet, the radio was playing some soft music in the background. But that was it, but I didn’t mind it, I enjoyed the peaceful vibe.   
When the van came to a stop I looked over to Niall and he looked confused.   
“What’s wrong?”  
“I don’t want to wake him up, he’s been having trouble sleeping lately and I think this is the first real sleep he’s gotten in a long time” Niall said   
“We don’t have to wake him up” I said   
“What? How else is he going to get inside my house?”  
“ I can carry him” I offered   
“Are you sure about that?” He asked a bit unsure   
“Yes and it wouldn’t be like the first time or anything, he’s tiny” I said while looking at Louis with a smile.   
My tiny boy.   
“Fine just don’t drop him alright” Niall said   
I just laughed and nodded.   
It was a bit of a task getting him out of the car, he stirred in his sleep for a bit but never woke up. Once out of the car Louis wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t help but smile a bit. I carried him bridal style up the stairs to the front door, where Niall lead me to the living room.   
“You can put him down here, I’m sure your arms are tired” he said   
“No it’s okay, I want him to sleep on a bed not a couch, I don’t want him to wake up with a backache or something” I said still holding Louis closely.   
He smelled so nice, a mixture of tobacco and vanilla, but his hair smelt like lemons and I loved the scent. 

“Follow me then” Niall said leading me to what I assumed to be the guest bedroom.   
Niall quickly removed the decretive pillows and pulled the covers back. I gently laid Louis down before instinctively removing his shoes and socks, he hated sleeping with socks. Jeans too but it felt to weird to remove them. So I just pulled the covers over him and tucked him in. His pretty brown hair all over the place, it was longer than I last remembered it to be but I liked it like this. I really just wanted to comb my fingers through his hair and hold him while he slept, I knew he loved that. 

“Are you done staring?” Niall whispered to me  
“Sorry” I said blushing again and exiting the room.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”   
“Yea I’ll see you then, I can show myself out” I said and Niall just nodded.   
“If he asks if you carried him up, could you say yes. I don’t want him hating me more than he already does”   
“Yea no problem” Niall said   
“I’ll see you tomorrow” I said before walking towards the door.   
That was the closest I had been to Louis in five years and I felt amazing, it wasn’t anything big but just holding him like that lit up a fire within me and I knew I would just be thinking of him all night long.


	6. Chapter Six

Harry pov~   
Monday 16th March 2020 - 5:12 pm 📍LA  
I was stood in my kitchen adding the final touches to my dinner. The boys would be here in about 2 hours for a movie night. Tonight was one of the last days we'd be alone together, tomorrow we had a interview on the Ellen show and on Wednesday I was flying to Sydney with Louis. While the rest of the boys were flying out on Thursday. You may be wondering how on earth that happened, well I was a bit sneaky and I managed to find out that Louis was flying out on Wednesday, then pretty much demanded to fly out with him. And my wishes were granted, me and Louis would be flying out on a private plane together, 15 hours together. So much could happen. I guess I felt some what guilty about lying and pretty much forcing myself on to him. I made sure that none of the boys knew and management wouldn’t tell Louis that I had requested it. I knew Niall told me not to but I just had to, even if he wouldn’t talk to me I didn’t mind, just being around him was some what enough.   
During the past couple of weeks he upheld his promise about being civil, he would say hi to me when he saw me, bye when he was leaving. The only times he said more than hi and bye to me was during interviews, he’d put on this face, fake a smile and pretend everything was okay. He would also talk to me about work related stuff, he’d tell me off if I was doing something wrong during rehearsals and stuff of that nature. But never more than that, but now I needed more I wanted a proper conversation, I just wanted to be his friend more than anything else. I would call Niall In the middle of the night complaining about how much I missed Louis. I think being away from each other was better then what ever this was, because even though I’d think about him during the past five years, I wasn’t seeing him all the time, I wasn’t being close to him or anything. Out of sight out of mind type of thing but now he was everywhere I looked.   
I was not sure if he’d be joining us tonight, he wouldn’t show up to any of our hang outs that were not work related. The other boys had run out of excuses for him, once he was sick, meeting with management, recoding, photo shoot, hanging out with family, sick again. The boys finally admitted that he just didn’t want to show up and I knew it was all because of me, I’m the reason he couldn’t even hang out with the three other boys. But Niall has texted me today saying that Louis was going to come, but I wasn’t too sure. 

I plated up my pasta and tomato sauce, just as I was about to sit down there was a knock at my door. I looked at the time and it couldn’t be any of the boys then they’d be two hours early. Maybe it was something I ordered and forgot about. I walked over to the door and when I opened it my jaw hit the floor. It was Louis, he was wearing a black adidas sweater that was oversized on him but he made it work and gray sweat shorts paired with his old school vans. His hair wasn’t really styled his fringed sweeping over his forehead, a bit in his eyes but he still made it work. He always made it work.   
“Hi, hi what are you doing here?” I frantically asked as I tried to discreetly fix my hair.   
He probably thought I looked like a mess which I did, I was wearing long thin cotton trousers and a tank top, my hair pretty much a mess. I had let it air dry after my shower this morning so it was all over the place.   
“Aren’t we having a movie night? I brought snacks” he said confused   
“Yea but that’s in like two hours” I said still not letting him in   
“Niall said to be at yours around 5 and it’s quarter past 5” he said looking at his phone   
“No I told Niall to tell you and everyone else to be here ate 7” I said still confused. “But now that you’re here would you like to come in, I was just about to eat dinner I’m sure there’s enough for you too” I said hoping that he would accept my offer   
“No I wouldn’t want to disturb your dinner and all” he said looking away shyly   
“No” I said a bit too fast it almost came out as desperate “I mean you wouldn’t be disturbing at all” i said a slow blush creeping up on to my cheeks.   
“I don’t think that’s a great idea” he said   
“No it’s just unnecessary for you to go back and forth, just stay here until the boys come and driving isn’t so environmentally friendly” I said trying to get him to stay “plus i made enough food for two and day old spaghetti is never good” I said, I was saying anything at this point just so he’d stay.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes come in I could make something else If you’d like” I said   
“No spaghetti will be fine” he said as he followed me into the kitchen.   
“Sit down and I’ll get you a plate” I said as I pointed over to the breakfast nook where I was about to eat my dinner. 

“Eating by yourself how tragic” he said as he sat down but I just chose to ignore his comments.   
“Did you and Niall set this up? Lure me here so you and I could talk?” He asked   
“No no I promise, I had no idea and I can even show you the text where I too him the time and all” I said in a panic talking out my phone   
“I believe you, but I don’t think this was an accident”  
“Do you think Niall set it up?” I asked   
“Obviously wouldn’t be surprised if the others were in on it too” Louis said looking down at the food I placed in front of him. “Long time since I had a home cooked meal” he said looking up at me.   
I don’t know why but it hurt me, it probably was a silly thing to get upset about but i just wanted to cook for him every day to make sure he was getting the proper nutritions and stuff.   
“You could always learn how to cook” I said as I sat down across from him   
“Too much effort” he said scrunching his nose up   
“So still living off of take away?” I asked   
“Pretty much, it’s the easiest thing”   
“You know you could like hire someone to cook for you and all or prep food for you that you could eat through out the week” I said trying to give friendly advice   
“It’s still too much effort and I don’t like the idea of people doing stuff for me, stuff that I should be able to myself” he said   
“Yea I get that” I said “but you being busy all the time I guess it wouldn’t hurt with some extra help”   
“Yeh I guess so”  
“Did you enjoy being a judge on X factor?” I asked   
“Yeh it was nice being on the other side of things and seeing a lot of behind the scenes stuff and helping someone’s dreams come true. It was different and I felt like I could connect with the people auditioning because I was once them” he explained   
“And look where you are now” I said   
He just nodded and smiled without saying anything else. It was a peaceful silence we both ate out food not saying much.   
“That song you were singing” I said breaking the silence   
“Which song?”   
“A while back in Nialls kitchen, do you remember?”   
“Yeh what about it?” He asked confused his voice deeper than it previously was  
“I- I just thought it w-was really good and I was wondering if you’d like you know play it on tour” I asked stuttering on almost each word   
“I don’t think so”  
“Why?”   
“It’s really personal, all my songs are actually and if I release them I don’t want it to be attached to the band or anything”   
“I understand that, were you planing on releasing them?”   
“Yes” he said with a sigh and I knew he was starting to he frustrated   
“When?” I asked   
“Why do you care?” He said and I could hear the anger in his voice now   
“Because I do”  
“Well if it’s so important to you, the day I found out about the reunion was the day I was going to set a release date so I’d probably have my album out by now if it wasn’t for your big stupid selfish month asking for a reunion” he said staring right into my soul  
“Don’t call me stupid” I said his words hurting me more than he was aware. If I had known he was planning on releasing his first album I would have not asked for a reunion.   
We were both quiet for a minute but it felt so much longer, it felt like hours, both anger and hurt in the air. The tension could be cut with a knife and If anyone walked into this room they’d notice it.   
“Why?” Louis asked his voice soft  
“Why what?”   
“Why did you do it?” He asked again and i knew exactly what he was referring to  
“Your words hurt” I said to ashamed to look up at him   
“So you wanted to hurt me back?” He asked and I could hear the disbelief in his voice   
“It wasn’t like that” I said finally looking up at him   
“Then what was it like?” He said raising his voice a bit  
“I don’t know” I said looking back at the plate of food in front of me.   
“Whatever I knew it was a bad idea coming here” he said as he started to get up   
“No don’t go” I pleaded   
“I’m going to kill Niall” he said as he ran his hands through his hair frustrated   
“I’m sure he was just trying to help” i said reassuring him as I also stood up from the table  
“And look where that’s got us” he snapping his head towards me  
“Well if you wouldn’t of blocked my number I could of texted you the actual time we were going to meet up and none of this would of happened”   
“Well if you wouldn’t of left me a bunch of voicemails I wouldn’t have had to block your number” he shot back  
I could feel my ears and cheeks starting to burn up and I knew I was as red as the tomato sauce I served with the now forgotten spaghetti.   
“Did you like ever listen to them?” I asked   
“If I’m being honest no, I couldn’t bare listing to them and then I ended up blocking your number so I didn’t receive them anymore” he said shrugging   
“Okay cool, I’m sorry about that by the way I shouldn’t be near my phone when I’m drunk” I said “I knew you had blocked my number but I continued sending a lot of embarrassing drunk texts, I’m glad you never had to witness those” I admitted   
“You did?” He asked with a smile and i could almost see a spark in his eyes and that filled me with joy.   
“Yeah” I said shyly   
He just nodded before awkwardly looking around the kitchen. 

“Thank you for the food and all but I should probably leave now” he said   
“No don’t leave, I know the guys really want to hang out with you and I know you don’t want me around so I’ll just leave” I offered   
“It’s your house” he said with a amused grin on his pretty little face   
“I know you just sit and finish your dinner and when your done the living room is the first door on your left or you can hang outside and wait for the boys to come, I’ll just get my food and go to my room or something” I said as I went to get my plate before walking towards the hallway   
“I know it was you that carried me up to bed and not Niall” he said which caused me to stop in my tracks.   
“What?” I asked turning around   
“I know it was you, Niall is a sweet boy but he wouldn’t think about taking of my shoes let alone my socks and I also woke up a bit when you two were arguing about where to put me” he said looking at me with a small smile on his lips   
“I’m sorry” I said “I hope it didn’t make you feel uncomfortable or anything” I said   
“Just shut up, sit down and finish your dinner” he said before sitting down at the table.   
And I knew it might of sounded rude but it felt like process, I knew we had a very long way to go and so much we needed to talk about but still it was a start.   
I just nodded before sitting down at the table and not much was said as we both finished our dinner.   
“Thank you for the food it was really nice” Louis said looking at me with a small smile playing on his lips.   
“You’re welcome”   
None of us really knew what to say at this point and I was fearing it getting awkward and I didn’t want that.   
“I have some stuff to get done so you could like watch tv in the living room like I suggested before, or it’s up to you” I said before getting up and taking both our plates over to the sink.  
“Okay” he said while nodding   
I also nodded before leaving him in the kitchen to do what ever he pleased. 

I didn’t really have any work to get done but I was scared to over push things and ruin the little progress we had made. I spent the next hour in my room watching some boring documentary, before I felt the need to go downstairs and check on Lou.   
When I arrived in the living room I saw Louis sleeping on the couch some cartoon playing on the tv. He chest slowly rising and falling as his long eyelashes more visible with his eyes now closed. His arms were crossed and he was using one of the thrown pillows as an actual pillow. His ankles were crossed and I could now see he has removed his shoes and socks. He’s hair falling on to the throw pillow and his forehead, sweeping in the opposite side than it usually did. He looked so god damn peaceful.   
I decided to get him a blanket instead of just staring at him like a creep. I put the blanket over him and made sure to tuck him in slightly, I knew it always made him feel safe. Hopefully he felt safe here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even sure anyone is reading this lol. But if anyone is could you leave your thoughts on it, I would appreciate it!☺️


	7. Chapter seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a trigger warning in this chapter and there will be mentions of self harm but when that part comes up there is a clear trigger warning. If you'd like to skip that part scroll down to this sigh < \- -> then you can read from that point forward. I hope you all enjoy reading!

Louis pov~   
Tuesday 17th March 2020 - 10:54 am - 📍 The Ellen show   
Today was our final interview before we’d go on tour and I was some what nervous but exited at the same time. It has just been so long since I’ve toured and yea we did performances on the shows we had been on but it was not the same as being in front of thousands of people. I wasn’t gonna lie being with the boys again was so much fun, I would avoid hanging out just to avoid Harry but in rehearsals it would be so much fun being with the other guys.  
And last night being with Harry it was refreshing yea we bickered some and as much as I wanted to talk about what had happened I don’t think I was ready.   
After I woke up from my nap on his couch the boys had arrived and were teasing me, I didn’t kill Niall. I don’t think me being in jail would be good for anyone.  
But when I did ask Niall about it he just hid behind Liam which lead me to believe he knew exactly what he was doing. I couldn’t stay mad at the little Irish for too long, he ended up cuddling me throughout the whole night before it was time to go home. Things between me and Harry were okay I guess, I wants his best friend or anything, even calling us friends would be a stretch. Civil is what we were, throughout the night he offered me some of his popcorn and I offered him some of my skittles and that was pretty much it.   
Me, Niall, Zayn and Liam were currently sitting together in Nialls dressing room when Harry entered through the door with a large box in his hand.  
“I come bearing doughnuts” he said with a smile showing off his dimples   
“Oh say less” Niall said pretty much jumping on the box as soon as Harry put it on the table.   
I didn’t say much because I didn’t really like doughnuts except cookies and cream ones. I just watched the boys as they picked their doughnuts out of the Kirspy Kreme box.   
“Not that one” Harry said smacking Zayns hand away as he reached for one of the doughnuts.   
Harry then took said doughnut and placed it on a napkin and gave it to me.   
“I know you don’t like doughnuts but I remember you looking the cookies and cream one, it’s probably stupid of me and you probably don’t like them anymore” he said rambling looking down at his feet while blushing.   
“I still like them, thank you” I said taking the doughnut from him   
He then sat down next to me being the only seat available, our knees knocking a bit and I retracted my knee as soon as I felt his touch. He looked some what hurt, but I just ignored it.   
“You guys a flying out on Thursday right?” I asked looking at the boys   
“Yea” Liam said looking at the other boys  
“I guess I’ll have a day alone in Sydney then”   
“I’m flying out tomorrow” Harry said from next to me.   
“Me too” I said a bit confused.   
Weren’t management trying to avoid Larry rumors? Why would the be allowing us to fly out on the same day, we were even allowed when we were together.   
“I could change my flight if your more comfortable” Harry said looking at with his big green eyes   
“It’s whatever” I said with a shrug   
“Yea okay, well I should go and get my hair done” Harry said before getting up and going off towards his own dressing room.   
“So are you guys like good or whatever?” Liam asked   
“No” I said glaring at Niall “Niall lied to me about the time we were suppose be at Harry’ last night so I was there 2 hours earlier and he made me dinner and we were civil nothing more than that and If he think that makes us friends then he’s quite stupid” I said   
“Don’t call him stupid” Niall said “it’s rude and it’s not true”   
I knew my words hurt him but I just had so much built up anger and frustration that I needed to get out.   
“I wouldn’t be calling him stupid if he hasn’t- never mind” I said stopping myself   
“If he hadn’t what?” Zayn asked   
“It was nothing”   
“Why can’t you just tell us?” Liam asked   
“Because it’s between me and him, If I were to tell you guys you’d pick sides and it would just ruin everything. What happened between me and him stays between me and him” I said getting annoyed   
I started feel tears well up in my eyes and my breathing started to quicken and get more shallow. I could feel my hands ball into fists and get clammy, I knew it was the beginning of a panic attack and soon to follow would be vomit.   
“Are you alright Louis?” Niall asked with a concerned look on his face   
“I just need the bathroom” I said as I got up walking towards the hallway.   
When I got out the dressing room I frantically looked around to find the bathrooms, when I saw the sign I practically sprinted down the hallway. I burst through the doors to find Harry washing his hands by the sink. I ran past him to the first stall I could find, got down on my knees and emptied the contents of my stomach.   
“Louis are you alright?” I heard Harry ask from outside the stall.   
Before I could say anything I was throwing up again and the loud gaging noise echoed from the bathroom walls.   
“Louis please open the door” Harry pleaded   
I reached up to the lock and unlocked it, before I could move or say anything Harry was next to me on his knees.   
“What’s wrong? Was it the doughnut? I’m sorry”   
I just shook my head and sat leaning against the wall bringing my legs to my chest.   
“What is it then?” He asked as he put his hand through my hair making me flinch at his touch and that made him retract his hand   
“Sorry”  
“Was I not good enough?” I asked tears threatening to spill from my eyes  
“You were perfect, you’ll always be perfect to me Lou” he said sitting down across from me  
“Don’t call me that, you don’t get to call me that” I said getting angry at him   
“Sorry”  
“Why did you cheat then, if I’m as perfect as you claim?” I asked finally asking the question that had been playing in my head for the past five year.   
“I don’t know” he said   
“That’s not an answer”   
“I know” he said raising his voice   
“Don’t raise your voice at me”   
“Sorry”  
“Stop saying sorry, you don’t even mean it, just leave me alone please, just go I don’t want to see your face”   
“I’ll leave” he said before getting up and looking down at me   
I just sighed closing my eyes and banging my head against the stall wall.   
< TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm >  
“Please don’t hurt yourself”  
My eyes snapped open and I looked up at Harry and I was even more angry than before.   
“What did Niall tell you?” I asked   
“What? Nothing I just meant your head” he said terrified. “Ha-have y-you hurt your-yourself?” He asked stumbling over his own words  
“Just leave” I barked at him and he just nodded before leaving.   
I threw up once again before washing my mouth and popping a mint and fixing my hair. I went back to Nialls dressing room where all the boys were seated all on their phones except for Harry where he was just staring at the wall in front of him, where he sort of looked out of it and his face looked a bit gray. I could see the hurt in his eyes, it was so clear.   
“Niall can I talk to you for a second” I said as I stood at the door   
“Yea sure” he said looking a bit confused   
I waited for him to come out in the hallway before closing the door behind us.   
“Is everything alright? You looked a little bit panicked earlier”   
“Everything is just peachy” I said giving him a fake smile. “What did you tell Harry about the day you, you know found me?”   
“Nothing, nothing I promise you told me not to tell anyone and it’s not my place to tell, I promise I would never. I’m not that kind of person, the only people that know are me and Zayn, you told Zayn. And he’d never spill to Harry you know that” Niall frantically said   
“I’m sorry for accusing you it’s just something he said that made me believe he knew something” I said with a sigh  
“I promise Lou I would never”   
“Yea I know that and I’m sorry” I said giving him a hug   
“Is everything alright Lou, you’re not again are you?” He said too afraid to say the words   
“No no I promise, i just didn’t think it would be this hard seeing him again you know” I admitted   
<\- ->   
“If you want I could call management and see if me and Harry can trade places so I’d fly out with you tomorrow instead” Niall offered   
“No it’s okay I think I could manage flying out with him” I said   
As much I wanted to kill him I still wanted him to be on that plane with me.   
“Fifteen hours is a long time you know”   
“Yea I know”  
“You’re not planning on throwing him out the plane, are you?” He jokingly asked   
“We’ll see how things pan out” I said with a smile before entering the room again   
“Everything alright?” Liam asked   
“Yes what is it with everyone asking that question?” I said frustrated “everything is just perfect”   
“Should we start heading over to the stage? We’re on soon” I asked after no one said anything to my previous statement   
“Yeah let’s get going” Liam said standing up and the rest of the boys followed   
We walked over to where we be entering the stage and we were getting the final touches done, management telling us topics we could not discuss, the usual.   
After Ellen had introduced us we walked out, me being the one leading the boys. After waving to the audience and saying our hellos we sat down.   
Me closest to Ellen, Niall next me then Harry, Zayn and Liam on the furthest end. It was a small couch so we all had to pretty much squeeze on to it, almost sitting on each others laps. 

“It’s such an honor having you boys back here, all five of you may I add” Ellen said the last part directed towards Zayn   
“Yea it’s good to be back with the boys, and I’m sure they’d agree with me when I say it good to be a band again” Zayn said with his adorable smile   
“Well it is good to see you all together again, your tour starts this Friday if am correct”   
“Yea our first show is this Friday in Sydney” Niall said   
“Was this a big decision for you guys to drop you solo work and come back together, do a tour and all that?”   
“For me I don’t think it was that hard, because I knew the band would always get back together it was just a matter of when really. So when I heard that everyone had agreed to it, I happily dropped it all to do a tour” Harry said   
“Was it the same for the rest of you boys?”   
“Yea I knew it was going to happen, at first I’m not gonna lie I was shocked because I wasn’t expecting it now, but yea it was a no brainer really” I said   
She then went on to ask us about our solo stuff, if any of us was dating someone, the tour and if we’d be working on new music together as a band.   
“We will be right back after the break with one direction who will be playing never have I ever, and you won’t want to miss that” Ellen teased before we went on break.   
During the break I didn’t say much to either Ellen or the boys, I just laid my head on Nialls shoulder and rested for a bit. And when we were back from break I quickly sat up and put a smile on my face. Ellen then explained the game to the audience and the people at home then she gave us each our paddle that said I have on one side and never on the other. 

“Okay the first question is never have I written a song about an ex” she asked looking down at her list of papers   
All of us showed the I have and honestly a lot of my latest songs I had written were about Harry.   
“I think that one is self explanatory, moving on to the next question” she said “never have I ever used my fame to get something I want”   
This one was a tough one I don’t think I had so I put up the never.   
Everyone of us had put up the never except Harry who said that he has.   
“Would you mind sharing what with us harry?” Ellen had asked   
“No thank you that’s a secret for me and my heart” he said giving his best dimply smile   
“Alright next question, never have I ever said I love you to someone just go get them in bed”   
We all quickly put up our never signs.   
“That’s a bit cold hearted” Niall said laughing a bit   
“Never have I ever stalked an ex on social media?”   
I thought about it and I could easily lie I looked over to the other boys, Niall and Harry has said that they had so I decided to be truthful too and show the I have sign. So Harry had looked through my socials after the break up that made me want to smile.   
“Harry I’m sure Kendall will be pleased to hear that” Ellen joked and Harry just laughed and shook his head   
I couldn’t help but squeeze my paddle a bit tighter, but continued to keep a straight face.   
“Okay moving on to the next one, never have I ever been in love”   
All of us showed I had and I felt like that was an obvious answer.   
“Okay we have time for a couple of more, never have I ever said I love you without meaning it”   
And we were all quick to show the never side.   
“I feel like you have to be heartless to do that” I said   
“Yea it’s pretty ruthless” Zayn agreed   
“Okay never have I ever accidentally sent a sext to the wrong person”   
We all showed that I have.   
“Any one care to explain?” She asked with an amused smile   
“Mine was actually really horrifying to be honest, I was messaging someone on my team and we were talking about something serious, this was about two years back I believe. And on the side I was also texting the person I was seeing at the time and I ended up getting it confused and accidentally sent a very explicit message to the person on my team” I confessed shortly explaining the story which made the audience, Ellen and the boys laugh. I shot a quick glance at Harry and he didn’t seem too amused and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at him.   
“What did they reply? The person on your team I mean” she asked   
“She was just really confused and it was really awkward not going to lie but she understood it was not meant for her and it taught me my lesson for double and triple checking who I’m texting” I said laughing a bit at my own stupidity   
“That will teach you alright, Okay I think we have time for one more” she said looking over at production “Never have I ever been in handcuffs in a sexual manner” she said with a amused grin on her face.   
I slowly turned the paddle to I have and hid my face behind it, I knew my face was burning up. I looked over at the other boys and only Harry had answered I have. I couldn’t help but turn a crimson color thinking about the times I had handcuffed Harry and he’d handcuffed me. I could see Harry was also blushing about it.   
“Is little Mr.Styles over there blushing?” Ellen asked and he just hid behind Niall.  
Then Ellen went on to say some final shows and we said our byes to the audience, the camera and Ellen herself before we exited back to our dressing rooms.   
I had so much packing to do and I wasn’t in the mood to socialize so I sent Niall a text telling him I was going home and not to wait for me. I then gathered my stuff and went out to the car waiting for me outside the studios.   
We went straight to the house I was renting here and the first thing I did when I got home was breakdown into tears.   
Would I ever be good enough I thought to myself.


	8. Chapter eight

Harry' pov~   
Wednesday 18th March 2020 - 3:45 am 📍LAX  
Our flight towards Sydney would be taking off at 4am it was seriously a ridiculous hour to be awake at. But what could I do, I was sitting on the plane with my coffee in my hand genuinely bouncing my right knee wondering where Louis was. Maybe he decided that he wasn't going to show up, he was quite upset with yesterday. And he had every right to be upset with me and even if we didn't talk thing through it was a start.   
I knew there was something he was hiding from me something he and Niall were hiding. Maybe my questions pushed him too far and he didn't want to talk to me again. During the interview yesterday I did see him look at me when Ellen asked if we'd ever been handcuffed and he was blushing, I did notice his annoyance when Ellen mentioned Kendall. And I'm sure he noticed my jealousy when he was talking about sexting with someone else.   
I couldn't help but wonder who it was, was it a girl or a boy? Were they prettier than me? Were they better in bed then me? Did he enjoy being with them more than he enjoyed me? Did he love them? Did they treat him with the respect and love he deserved? Was the songs he wrote about them? There were so many questions yet no answers.   
"Stupid stupid brain" I said to myself as I leaned back in my chair   
"You alright there?" I heard Louis voice coming from the back of the aircraft where the door was.   
I opened my eyes and sat up straight and I could feel the heat crawling up my neck and setting on my cheeks. I knew I was really red I could feel the heat in my face and I knew he could tell.   
"Yea" I said while nodding   
He just nodded before sitting down on the seats to my left we were sitting diagonally from each other with the isle between us.   
"Don't call yourself stupid" he said as he set down his coffee on the table in front of him  
"You call me stupid" I said too afraid to look at him   
"But your own opinion is more important than what I say, If you see yourself as stupid then that's what everyone is going to call you" he said   
"Your opinion matters more that's why I-" I managed to stop myself before I revealed how much his words affected me.   
When he broke up with me he had said many words some of them being ugly and stupid. It was in the heat of the moment so that's why I'd wear the brightest colored clothes and the sparkliest clothes and pained my nails ,just to hide my ugliness. But I also started to read more books, watch more educating documentaries and educate myself in different matters that were happening around the world just so he would think I was less stupid. But it didn't matter it didn't change a thing. But on the other hand it made me more self aware about stuff which was a good thing. 

"No go on, that's why you what?"  
"Nothing"  
"Tell me"   
"No"  
"Tell me"  
"No"  
"Whatever" he said as he looked out the window   
"Sorry for yesterday, If I pushed you or if I asked questions that I shouldn't of asked" I said looking at him as he continued to stare out the window.   
He looked at me as if he wanted to answer but that's when the flight attendant came out to tell them that they would be taking off shortly and that they needed to fasten their seatbelts.   
The flight attendant was very kind she went through the safety presentation, she explained when they'd be serving breakfast and lunch, she also explained that when we'd land in Sydney it'd be the early hours of Thursday.   
I wasn't really the biggest fan of flying and that's why I gripped the armchairs, my nails digging into the plush leather seat probably chipping my nails while at it. I tried to think of happy thoughts, Louis he's my happy place. My mind stated to wonder off, thinking of all the happy memories we had and then I couldn't help but think I was the one that ruined it. I then started to think back to the time me and him were on a plane alone and the fact that they couldn't keep their hands to themselves the whole plane ride from Heathrow to Sydney, Harry border that flight with a fully intact button up and exited it with a bunch of rips in the same button up. And the fans definitely noticed it.   
The thought of Louis hands all over his body and his pretty little mouth all over his body. That's when I felt the familiar warm feeling in my belly and all of a sudden my underwear were a lot tighter then they had been before. The fact that I was in gray sweats was not going to help my case either because I knew my hard on would be much more visible. Please please just go away I thought and pleaded to myself. I tried to imagine anything to make it go away, squeezing my eyes shot.   
"You can relax we're in the air now" I heard Louis say in a cold tone.  
Had it been that long I thought to myself as i slowly loosened my grip on the chair and opened my eyes.   
I looked out the window and yep we were in the sky, soon enough the flight attendant came back out and helped us convert our seats into beds with a small pillow and a cover on the makeshift beds. The isle between the chairs seemed much smaller now for some reason, but I didn’t really mind it just meant out beds would be closer to each other. The lights in the cabin were lowered and so that the blue soft lights along the isle and the emergency exit were the only things lighting up the cabin.   
“Is that your guitar?” Louis asked as he got in his bed pointing to my guitar case that was further back in the cabin  
“Yea” I nodded looking at the case   
\- - - - - -   
Louis pov~   
“Play me a song” I said I wasn’t sure if I was trying to calm him down since he hated planes or if I just wanted hear him sing  
“What?” Harry asked confused   
“Sing me to sleep” I said again   
“Oh okay” he said before getting up to get the guitar.   
“What do you want me to sing?”  
“One of your songs, I haven’t heard any” I admitted   
“Oh why?” He asked “I listened to all yours”  
“I released like 3 songs you released 2 albums” I said as I rolled my eyes   
“I still listened”  
“Just play me your favorite song” I said I laid down and closed my eyes   
“Okay just give me a sec” he said as he tuned the guitar.   
“This one is called Two ghosts” he said as he started playing the cords to the song   
I just closed my eyes listening to the song and hearing the first two sentences I knew it was about me.  
“Same lips red, same eyes blue. Same white shirt, couple more tattoos”   
The words seemed to sting in my chest as he continued to sing, he wrote songs about me? I had it confirmed now, was this the only one or were there more.   
“It’s from my first album” he said after finishing the song   
“Who is it about?”   
“I think you know who it’s about” he said with a small smile on his face   
“Are there more?”   
“Listen to my albums then you’ll find out” he said as he put the guitar back into the case   
“Just tell me” I whined   
“Good night Louis” he said before getting in his bed   
“Whatever, good night Harry” I said as I closed my eyes  
(A couple hours later)  
I woke up by the plane shaking and soft sobs being heard. I guess we had hit turbulence and I knew how much that scared Harry.   
“Haz baby are you alright?” I instinctively asked getting up and going to stand above his bed. I didn’t mean to call him Haz or baby, but hearing his soft sobs just ripped me apart.   
“I’m sorry if I woke you up” he apologize looking up at me wiping his face.   
\- - - - - -   
Harry’ pov~   
I woke up by the aero plane shaking and I wasn’t sure how long we had been flying for but the only thing I was sure of is that we had hit turbulence. I tried my best to stay calm but I could feel myself panicking and soon the tears followed.   
I had tried my best to be quiet by covering my mouth with my hand but now and a agin a sob would escape my lips loud enough to be heard.   
“Haz baby are you alright?” I heard Louis ask from above me and hearing him call me baby made me feel warm inside and for a moment i forgot how scared I was.   
“I’m sorry if I woke you up” I said apologizing and wiping my tears   
“Don’t be silly, is it the turbulence?”   
I just nodded wiping my tears on the back of my sweater.   
“Turn on your side” he said while rolling his eyes  
“What why?”  
“Just do it”   
I was skeptical at first but I did it and he just sighed “the other side you idiot”   
“You didn’t clarify” I argued back before turning on to my other side so that my back was towards him.   
I could then feel him getting under the covers so that my back was against his chest, he then draped his arm around my waist and his other arm under my head.   
“Louis you don’t have to do this” I said   
“Shut up and just sleep” he said   
“Stop being mean”  
“Whatever, just because I’m doing this it doesn’t make us friends or anything, don’t get it twisted”   
“I know” I said nodding   
“So now stop crying and fucking sleep” he said   
I just nodded while letting a sob escape my mouth. “Sorry” I whispered   
“Doe say sorry” he said with a sigh. “I couldn’t, I just couldn’t continue sleeping while you were crying” he said “so just sleep and what happens on the plane stays on the plane, right?” He said somewhat sounding like a question   
“Right” I said nodding a bit.   
I could feel the warmth radiation of his body and being this close to him made me nervous and gave me butterflies. It made me feel like a 16 year old all over again, when I first met Louis and saw his pretty blue eyes for the first time. I couldn’t even form a proper sentence around him. It felt like that all over again.   
“So sleep now Harry, stop thinking, I can practically hear your thoughts” he said kissing between my shoulder blades   
“Goodnight” i said   
“Goodnight”   
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I wanted to savor every moment that i could. I could feel Louis breathing slow down and soon it turned into soft snores. I had missed this every part of it and soon it felt like the turbulence was forgotten.   
\-   
“Wake up” I heard a voice whisper to me. I didn’t even recall falling asleep, and why was the voice so close I thought to myself.  
At first I was confused to why my face was resting on someones chest and why a pair of small dainty hands were wrapped around me and why there was a leg draped over my waist. But then I remembered Louis hearing me cry and getting into my bed and holding me.  
“I don’t wanna” I said pushing my face into his chest “S’ cozy” I added   
“I know but we have to eat, I ordered for you just so you could sleep for a bit longer” he whispered into my hair   
“I don’t want to” I said hugging him tighter   
“Harry I’m gonna get up now and you need to do the same” he said   
“Just a minute please, one minute and then I’ll let you get up. I just need a minute. Can’t let go of you not yet” I whispered into his chest   
I could feel him nod but he didn’t say a word and I knew this was probably a one time thing and laying here next to him in his arms would probably never happen again. That’s why I just needed an extra minute because I could let go of him forever, not yet at least.   
After a minute or two I finally opened my eyes and squinted at the brightness before looking up at Louis.   
“I’m sorry you can get up now” I said taking in his scent one last time   
“S’right” he said before getting out of the bed   
And I instantly missed his heat and his body and arms, i let out a little sigh I’m sure he heard.   
“I’m just gonna go to the toilets” I said also getting up.   
After getting back out my bed was turned back into a seat and there was avocado toast, a glass of what looked like orange juice and a glass of water in front of my seat. He knew me too well.   
“Thank you” I said to him as I sat down in my seat with my legs crossed.   
Louis on the other hand was eating what looked to be chocolate chip pancakes and I couldn’t help but shake me head and smile. 

“Could we talk?” I asked completely ruining the comfortable silence   
“About?”   
“Everything”   
“I don’t have anything to say, I didn’t fuck up you did” he said truthfully   
“Okay then If I talk will you listen?”  
“How about you talk and I say shut up if I don’t want to listen anymore”   
“Okay” I said nodding   
“So talk then”  
“After we had that fight and you walked out. The night that I, that I cheated, I never went all the way and it doesn’t make it forgivable or any less bad or anything like that. But I just wanted for you to know it was never your fault, it wasn’t you that did anything wrong and I don’t want you to doubt yourself or ever feel like you’re not enough. And I know it doesn’t mean a lot coming from the guy that cheated on you, I know it doesn’t mean shit to you. But I just wanted to let you know that you were never less then perfect, in the way you treated me and the way you helped me and took care of me and just everything you ever did for me” I wasn’t even aware of half the stuff I said and I could feel the lump in my throat but I couldn’t cry because I was the one who fucked up. “It was always enough”  
“Why did you do it then?” Louis asked with a small voice   
“I know it’s not the answer you want to hear but I don’t know, it wasn’t like I was lacking something in our relationship. But the truth is maybe I wanted to hurt you because your words hurt me. The fight we had was the worst one we’d ever had”  
“But you started that fight” Louis argued   
“I know I know it’s all my fault, I was just so hurt and angry” I admitted   
“So it was just revenge? I get that I said some really hurtful stuff that night and so did you frankly but you didn’t see me going and giving some rando a blow job” he said with his fists clenched   
“It wasn’t revenge, I don’t know what it was, i don’t know maybe it was” I said taking a pause “and I didn’t give anyone a blow job” It was the other way around and he was aware of that, he knew that I was dirty he made sure to tell me after he found out.  
“What do you expect now Harry? For me to just fall at your feet after you tell me that you didn’t go all the way and that it was your fault, what do you expect me to do with all this?” He asked “stop painting yourself as the victim here and he man enough to admit your wrong doings and stop saying shit like it was all on me, so you expect me to feel bad for you? Is that what you expect”  
“I’m not painting myself as the victim here and no it’s not what I expect I just wanted to make sure you knew that my stupid dumb actions weren’t based off of you or something you did. I don’t want you to doubt yourself ” I said “I don’t want you to ever think and ask yourself was I not good enough, or anything like that. I want you to know your worth. I understand that it coming from me means nothing but I just want you to know that you are enough”  
“Okay”  
“Okay?”  
“I will acknowledge that you did what you did because you are petty and selfish, that it had nothing to do with me as a person” Louis said and I just nodded.  
I deserved everything he was throwing at me I truly did.   
“But I’m not perfect” he added   
And I just looked at him confused because to me he was and he would always be.   
“I yell all the time, I certainly did during our relationship. I have zero regard for others and I’m rude and I’m loud and I say hurtful things” he said   
“You were kind to me, you cared about my feelings and i like that you’re loud and a bit rude, and you were only mean when I deserved it”   
“You never deserved it you idiot”   
I couldn’t help but giggle a bit at that and he just rolled his eyes at me.   
“We’re all human, we’re all flawed and to me your flaws are what make you you, you wouldn’t be my Lou if you weren’t loud, rude and sometimes mean. So your flaws are a apart of you and they are what makes you beautiful and perfect”   
“Whatever” he said   
I knew it wasn’t something to celebrate but it truly felt like progress. I know he hadn’t forgiven me and maybe he would never but maybe at the end of this tour we could be friends again. 

“Remember what I said, what happens on the plane stays on the plane. And don’t think that just because we talked about our feelings that were good or okay” he said while making quotations around the word talked   
“Okay” I said while nodding. I knew we weren’t but it was the slightest amount of progress and I’d take it.   
He did cuddle me in my bed after all. But most importantly I hope he understood and was aware that he is perfect to me and he was more than enough and he’d always be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know realistically there should be more people on the the aero plane with them but for the sake of the story it’s just the two of them on the private plane.   
> I would really appreciate feedback. I know it’s a bit of a slow burn but do you guys like that or?   
> Leave some feedback!☺️  
> And sorry for any grammatical errors English is not my first language!


	9. Chapter nine

Louis' pov~   
Thursday 19th March 2020 - 2:32 am 📍Sydney   
I practically threw myself at my hotel bed, it was so big and lush I practically sank down in it. My suitcases had been brought up and I was thankful, I just wanted to shower get into some new clothes and sleep until next week.   
The plane ride with Harry was mentally exhausting and draining. I didn't know how to feel or what he thought I'd feel. I don't know why I had called him Haz or baby, or why I had climbed into bed with him just to hold him so he'd calm down. I certainly don't know why I enjoyed it so much or why I got the best sleep I had in years while holding him.   
One thing I was fully aware of was that I hadn't forgiven him I'm not sure I ever will. Despite him telling me about hundred times how it wasn't my fault and how I was enough, It didn't feel that way. Yea maybe deep down I was aware that him cheating wasn't because there was something wrong with me but sometimes it was hard to remember that. Specially when I had thought me and him would last forever and after he cheated it just completely broke my soul.  
It made me feel so worthless and useless, I don't think words would ever be enough to make me feel whole again.   
But holding him again was something I wanted to do again, have his pretty curls brush over my face, feel how his chest rises and falls, felling his arms around me was something I yearned for.   
I don't know was it possible to hate and love someone at the same time. Okay maybe love was a strong word, but to not want to be in the same room as someone but also be around them. I needed to call Zayn. I quickly dialed his number and I hoped they hadn't boarded their flight to Sydney. 

"Zayn" was the first words that left my mouth after he picked up  
"What is everything okay? Did you end up killing Harry?" He frantically asked   
"No no" I said "I just wanted to ask do you think it's possible to want to be around someone but at the same time not?"   
"So it is about Harry" he said and I just sighed "well there's a reason you want to be near him but there's also a reason you want to be away from him and you will have to chose between these two sides. I don't know what he did to you or what happened but if the hurt he caused is bigger than the love you had then I think you will have to let him go. But If you feel like you can forgive it and move past it then you should go with that. It is up to you Lou" Zayn said "I can't make that choice for you"   
"What If I say if he proves that he genuinely is sorry and that he is different than maybe I could end up forgiving him" I admitted "but it would take time and I don't think I could ever forget but forgive I think maybe I could do that, does that make me weak?"  
"No I don't think so, I think choosing love despite the highs and lows makes you strong. And as you once said love is only for the brave" Zayn said   
"I shouldn't of let you listen to my songs" I said rolling my eyes   
"He cheated on you didn't he?" Zayn asked and I stopped in my tracks   
"Zayn" I pleaded  
"And that's why you" he said trailing off   
"Zayn"  
"I'm going to kill him" he said and I could hear the anger   
"Stop it Zayn" I said   
"How can you still defend him after that?"  
"You said you wouldn't judge me Zayn"  
"Why do you want to go back, to prove something, to prove that your worthy or that he fucked up?"  
"If I were to forgive him it wouldn't be for him it would be about me because being angry and hating all the time is so exhausting. It's so draining and yea what he did to me lead me a really dark path but I'm still here and I'm okay. I'm not saying I'd just magically erase everything he had ever done, I would just stop harboring all this anger and hate within me" I said "does that make sense Z?"  
"Yea it does I guess, I just don't want you to get hurt again Lou, your my best mate and what he did to you in my eyes is unforgivable" I said   
"I know" I said as I could feel the tears almost spilling from my eyes   
“Please don’t tell anyone”   
“I won’t” he said with a sigh   
"I have to go Zayn, I'll see you soon bye" I said before hanging up.   
Before I knew what I was doing I was exiting my hotel room and walking towards Harry'. I knew that I should of returned to my own bed and sleep it off, but I knew I couldn't be alone right now. And before I knew what I was doing I was knocking on his door.   
"Louis?" He asked confused with a towel wrapped around his tall frame and water dripping off of his body. "Is everything alright?" He asked   
"Shut up" I said as I pushed past him and walked over to the left side of the bed.   
I started taking off my sweats and my t shirt soon followed and I got under the covers.  
"Louis what are you doing? Is everything okay?"  
"Just shut up and hold me please" I said sobbing into the pillow.   
"I'm just gonna finish off In the shower and I'll be with you" he said before walking into the shower.   
I continued to cry into the pillow soaking the pillow with my tears. Soon I could feel my muscles relax and I felt myself sink further into the bed.   
I stirred a bit when I felt the bed dip a bit and someone get under the covers.   
"C-can I hold you?" Harry whispered and I just nodded.   
"Are you okay?" He asked and he wrapped his long arms around my waist   
"I don't want to talk" I said pressing myself back against his chest.   
He just whispered ok before kissing my head and reaching over to the bedside table to turn off the lights.   
"This never happened, okay?"   
"I know" he said pulling me closer to him   
Before I was aware of the words that were leaving my mouth I had asked him "kiss me" it was more of a demand then a question   
"You're upset, sleep" he said   
"Please"  
He then leaned over and kissed my cheek "there you go" he said   
"Go to bed now, rest that pretty little head of yours" he said pulling me closer to his chest.   
\- - - - - -  
Harry' Pov~   
I woke up to a cold bed and I stretched out my arm in hopes to find Louis. I slowly opened my eyes to see a empty spot beside me. I knew he'd be gone when I woke up, he did tell me 'this never happened', he was probably upset and none of the other boys were around and he probably just wanted someone to comfort him. But he would never ask any of the other boys to kiss him, right? At least I hoped he wouldn't, if he wasn't crying I would of kissed him. I wouldn't even think about it twice but I knew he was upset and just needed comfort, it would be wrong and inappropriate to do anything. I just sighed knowing that last knight was probably the last time I'd ever be that close to Louis and it hurt, it really did hurt.   
I needed Niall and Liam, where were they? I knew they'd be landing at like 1am and it was currently 11am I just needed to push through the day, maybe do a bit of shopping I thought to myself.   
I pushed myself to get out of bed and get ready for the day. 

(2:34am) 

I couldn't fall asleep since I was waiting for Niall and Liam, they had landed so I knew they'd be here soon. I hadn't seen Louis for the rest of the day, I tried to go to his room to see how he was doing but he hadn't opened the door, he was probably out or something. I tried again after my shopping trip but he still wasn't or he was simply avoiding me. I guess I was stupid enough to think it would ever be more.   
My thoughts were cut short by a knock on my hotel door and I practically sprinted to the door.  
"My boys" I said as I opened the door and gave them both a hug.  
"Hey, you alright?" Liam asked as they both hugged me back   
"Come in come in" I said pulling them into the room before closing the door   
"Where's Zayn?" I asked as we all sat on the bed knowing he was with Louis   
"He's with Louis, he was so drunk completely out of it" Niall said while laughing a bit earning a hit from Liam   
"Zayn?" I asked confused   
"No Louis" Niall said looking down at his fingers   
"Oh, did you guys see him?" I asked looking away from them   
"Yea he was off his ass" Niall said once again laughing   
"Niall shut up" Liam said hitting Niall again   
"No it's okay" I said   
"Harry is everything okay?" Liam asked   
"If I tell you guys something you guys promise not to tell, because if he finds out then he'll probably kill me"  
"Promise" they both said   
"Okay so it's two things actually, or maybe three" I said thinking about it   
"Just get on with it" Niall said   
"Well it wasn't a coincidence that me and Louis flew out together I kinda talked to management and I know you said I should give him space Niall and I tired I really did but I just wanted this one thing so bad and I just wanted to talk to him. Then on the Ellen show he was so upset and for the first time since we broke up he asked me something about the break up and I thought I had pushed him too far but maybe I pushed him just enough-"  
"Harry mate take a deep breath talk slower we're not going anywhere" Liam cut me off   
"Sorry" I said   
"As you were saying"  
"On the plane he asked me to play him a song and I played two ghost which is obviously about him and he understood that. Then we both went to bed and I hate flying so when the turbulence hit I started crying and I was trying to be quiet. Then he just came over to my bed and cuddled me until I fell asleep and he told me to stop thinking so much. And he kissed my back between my shoulders" I said and both their eyes were wide and they looked confused.   
"It doesn't end there when i woke up he had ordered me breakfast and he just held me for a bit then after we got our food and everything we kinda discussed our breakup and I'm not sure if we actually got anywhere, it felt like process and we were moving forward. But thinking about it now I think maybe I just rambled and I might of made it about me and I'm not even sure I said sorry" I said thinking back on our conversation   
"Have you guys spoken since then?" Liam asked   
"Yea he came here last night and he was crying, he just walked into my room took of his clothes got into my bed and was like cuddle me. But he was crying and he didn't want to tell me what was wrong so I didn't push it" I said looking down at my fingers   
"What else, your hiding something" Niall said looking at me puzzled   
"He asked me to kiss hi-"  
"What?" Liam asked in shock   
"I didn't do it, because it felt wrong and he was crying and all, maybe he was drunk last night too but I didn't smell anything on him. But this morning he was gone and I tried going to his room but he wouldn’t open the door” I said   
“Maybe he wasn’t in” Liam said and I just gave me a look.   
“I don’t think he wants to see me and that’s okay” I said   
“He got into your bed two nights in a row” Niall said   
“Only because I was the only available person, you guys and Zayn weren’t here” I said “I don’t know about the flight but last night he was just using me, he just needed someone to hold him and he got that and I’m okay with it because I got to be close to him” I said   
“That is so fucking tragic, he used you and you’re okay with it?” Niall asked   
“I treated him worse so it’s okay”   
“Just because you did something wrong doesn’t make it okay for him to say and treat you however he wants” Liam said   
“Two wrongs don’t make a right” Niall said   
And I couldn’t help but shrug, I knew if we continued talking I’d cry, and I didn’t want to cry.

“Can we just sleep?” I asked while yawning   
“Erm I- I promised to go and check in on Zayn” Liam said looking down at his lap.  
We all knew he had a crush on Zayn it was so obvious.   
“Aww go give him kisses from me” Niall said kissing all over Liams face and Liam just pushing him and giving him a light slap.   
Liam just gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek before leaving my room.   
“You gonna stay the night?” I asked Niall and he nodded   
“We should sleep, we have a full day of rehearsal in the morning and then a concert in the night” Niall said   
“Yeah, you exited?”  
“Yea really, you?”   
“Yea, do you know what solo songs you’ll be preforming?” I asked   
“Yes I think so, you gonna preform all your Louis songs?” Niall asked teasing me   
“Shut up, no”   
“We’ll see tomorrow” he said with a smirk   
“Do you know what Louis is gonna be singing” I asked   
“No and stop worrying about him curly, he’s so mean to you and calls you stupid” Niall said   
“I don’t get why you don’t want me to talk to him, you have secrets about him that you’re not allowed to tell and he takes you out of the room to tell you stuff and you’re so secretive” I complained   
“I just don’t want you or him to get hurt again, that’s all I love you both and I care for you”  
“I love you too”   
“I’ll just go get my toiletries and then I’ll come join you in bed” Niall said   
“You sound so domesticated” I said giggling a bit   
“Oh shut up” he said before leaving my room.   
I closed my eyes and told myself that today was going to be a good day, I’d have a nice sleep and then rehearsal would go amazing and then the concert will be so much fun and will go flawlessly, weather Louis decides to talk to me or not, today would be a good day.


	10. Chapter Ten

Louis' Pov~  
Friday 20th March - 12:32 pm - 📍Concert venue   
I was sat on a couch backstage half dead chugging down a bottle of water, in hopes to make my hangover go away. Why did I think it was okay to drink until I couldn't even take two steps. When I woke up this morning I had thrown up non stop for an hour, which made me feel some what better. Harry and Niall were currently going through the solo songs they'd be preforming for tonight, I didn't have my 2 songs picked out for tonight. I asked if I could go through my songs last, just so I could rest while the others went through theirs and by myself some time.  
"I got you some pizza" Zayn said sitting down next to me   
"I could kiss you" I said sitting up looking at the pepperoni pizza set in front of me   
"A thank you would be just as good"   
"Thank you"  
"You know I heard something last night" Zayn said   
"What did my drunk ass say now?" I asked with a sigh   
"It didn't come from you, it came from Liam actually" Zayn said   
"He finally admitted his feeling for you?"   
"What no? He doesn't have feelings for me or does he? Wait does he?" Zayn asked as Started to panic   
"Just shut up and what did he tell you?" I asked   
"Well he said that you and a certain someone cuddled and slept in the same bed not only once but twice" Zayn said and I could feel myself get angry "and you asked for a kiss"  
"I'm gonna kill him" I said standing up and all of a sudden forgetting about my pounding headache.   
"Sit down" Zayn said pushing me back down "so it's true"   
"It was on the plane he was crying because of turbulence and I couldn't just listen and do anything so I just held him and we fell asleep like that. Then the other time it was more like I was really sad and I just couldn't be alone, it was after our call and I was crying because I was so confused about what to do and he was just there so I went with it and just being help by him made me remember stuff and I just wanted to kiss him so I asked he turned me down so it doesn't even matter" I said   
"So you've forgiven him? That's just it after everything?"  
"I never said I forgave him alright? And even if i did i wouldn't just magically forget everything he's done, it's not forgiving and forgetting. It's more like forgiving and still being aware"   
"How could you ever trust him again though?" He asked   
"I'm not saying I'll marry the guy geez, but like just be friends maybe? That wouldn't be so bad right? But first I'd obviously need a real apology where he actually shows that he's sorry and not just him being like 'your perfect it had nothing to do with you' and that bullshit"   
"Just don't let him walk all over you and hurt you again, you deserve more and you deserve better"   
"Thanks mate" I said putting my hand on his shoulder   
"What you singing tonight?" Zayn asked me  
"I don't know all of my songs are literally about him and the once that aren't are too personal" I said   
"Okay I'm here to help, definitely not the one about princess park that's way too obvious, not always you or too young. What about don't let it break your heart?" Zayn asked   
"No I mention something about New York and he would clearly get it" I said   
"Fearless? I love that one" Zayn said   
"Do you still remember feeling you and strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people?"   
"I don't think it's too loud, but it's okay if you don't want it, how about perfect now?"   
"Yeh Yeh that could work and Walls, maybe?" I suggested   
"Great then that's settled then, what would you ever do without me?"   
"I don't know"  
"Hey guys, Zayn your up next" Niall and Harry said coming over to sit beside us  
"Yeah, Lou you gonna come?" Zayn asked looking at me   
"I'm gonna finish eating" I said to him and he just nodded before walking off   
"Niall could you give me and Harry a moment alone?" I asked   
He didn't say anything but looked at Harry before Harry gave him a approving nod.  
I waited for Niall to be gone before I looked over at Harry, he somewhat looked scared.   
"You don't seem to understand the meaning of keeping your mouth shut" I said   
"W-what are you t-talking about" he managed to finally get out  
"You told everyone about what happened on the plane, but also what happened the other night, is it so fucking hard to just shut up about one thing?"  
"It's was just that you were Ignoring me yesterday and I needed someone to talk to and then I just told Liam and Niall I promise and they wouldn't tell" he said   
"Well guess what you idiot they told Zayn and now all the boys know and If I wanted them to know I would of told them"   
"But it's not just about you Louis and I understand that it was something you wanted to keep from the boys, but I'm also involved you were the one to come into my room, took off all your clothes, got into my bed demanded that I hold you and asked me to kiss you. Do you understand how it makes me feel? If it was the other way around you wouldn't even think twice before telling the other boys. It wasn't about making you look weak or anything like that it was about you confusing the absolute shit out of me and calling me a idiot and stupid one minute then cuddling me and asking for a kiss the next" he said getting really worked up about it   
"I wouldn't of told the boys and you know that" I argued   
"Oh my god Louis tell the boys I cheated on you, tell the whole world for what I care. I fucked up so fucking bad I understand that but there's nothing I can physically do to take it back. If I could I would go back in time to that night and handle stuff differently and done stuff differently. But I can't now and i am so so sorry Louis, I would give anything on this planet earth to take it back, to think twice how much my actions would hurt you. I would give anything and I really mean anything to see you happy. So if telling everyone makes you happy then do so, but I won't stop apologizing, I will continue for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I would do anything to go back to the time and take it all back" he said raising his voice 

I didn't want to tell anyone what he had done and him being loud scared me because what If someone heard him. I couldn't help but stare into his eyes and the tears were present and he looked sad, genuinely sad. I just wanted to tuck his hair behind his ear and stroke his soft cheek, oh what id do to touch his hair again.   
"Fuck Harry" I said as I ran my hands through my hair   
"What?"   
"Sometimes you make it so fucking hard to hate you"   
"Then don't hate me" he said "I don't like it when you hate me"   
"It's exhausting"   
"I know that we may never get back to where we once were but maybe we could try being friend or am I pushing my luck here?"   
"Your pushing your luck a bit, how about we're okay? I will try my best to not call you names and be rude. I'm sorry for all the harsh things I've called you over the past few weeks" I said and I was being honest, I was constantly rude to him and I did mean sorry.   
"Okay, I'm good with that" he said with a smile showing his dimples.   
I had to stop myself from reaching out and poking his dimple.   
"And I'm sorry for just walking into your hotel room and demanding you cuddle me and all, I shouldn't of done it and same with on the plane"  
"S'alright I didn't really mind it, just a bit confusing is all"   
"So have you picked out your songs for tonight?" I asked   
"Yea i have, it was hard picking I was thinking of one of my unreleased songs Medicine it was a hit on my first tour but then I decided maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. So I decided to go with one from my last album and one from my new one"   
"Why would Medicine be a bad idea?"  
"Erm it's a bit explicit" he said while blushing a bit   
"Oh you dirty dirty boy, was that one also about me?" I joked and he just blushed a deeper shade of red   
"Was it?" I asked confused   
"Partly? You know my sexuality has been discussed so I decided it would be a song where I'd make it clear I don't mind being with men and women. And the whole idea of the song just kinda came to me after a dream" he said   
"You have sex dreams about me?" I asked as he looked down at his lap  
"Stop it"   
"What? You practically admitted it" I said while laughing "I'm gonna have to listen to that song now"  
"There's not a released studio version of it" Harry said in a mocking tone   
"Concert videos" I said   
"Stop it" he said while rolling his eyes   
"While we're at it I might unblock you and get all those drunk messages you sent" I teased and he just pouted   
And for a moment it felt good, to be able to talk to him without the anger and for the first time in a long time I was not trying to bring him down or insult him. It felt, dare I say, right?   
"Have you picked out your songs?" He asked changing the subjects   
"Yea Zayn helped me a bit" I said   
"Was it the one I heard you singing?"   
"Yea one of them is" I said   
"I can't wait to hear the full version"  
"Harry I've been looking for you all over, you have you final fitting let's go" Harry' stylist said with a frantic look on her face.   
"Sorry Alice" he said before getting up and following her.   
He looked back at me shooting me a smile before walking along.   
"You two looked awfully chummy" Liam said as he sat down next me and taking a slice of my pizza   
"It's whatever" I said shrugging   
"You two on good terms then?"  
"We're okay"   
"Okay, I'm glad you two are getting along again"   
"Don't push it"   
Liam just put his hands up laughing a bit. 

(19:45)

The 15 minute countdown began now and the nerves were starting to build and i tried my best to stay calm. The noise from inside the arena was noticeable and I could hear the excitement and they were already singing songs. Me and the boys were sat together in Liams dressing room just talking and I wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation. I just laid my head on down on Zayns shoulder and closed my eye, my hang over was mostly gone. I was still feeling a bit thirsty but that was all.   
"Let's take a shot" Niall suggested and we all looked at him with wide eyes   
"We use to do it all the time" he said   
"We're not kids anymore" Liam said   
"Stop being such a dad, just a shot or two to calm the nerves. Alright?" Niall said and we all just nodded   
He then exited the door presumably to get the alcohol and I could help but laugh and shake my head.   
After taking two shots of vodka each and talking for a bit it was time to enter stage. Our intro song would be where do broken hearts go and I was so exited. The vodka really did help calm my nervous and I was thankful.   
We were raised onto the stage and any doubt or nerves I had were gone as soon as I heard the chants and cheers. This was it, this was what we had been working towards the past few weeks, months even. Tonight was the night and I could help the smile that overtook my face.   
It was so crazy seeing where we were now, the small changes, out clothes, how we were on stage even Nialls hair was different, one thing that never changes was the love for our fans.   
Throughout the whole night I did spot a few Larry related signs, if only they knew I thought to myself. Throughout the night me and Harry didn't really talk much or do anything together, just the way management wanted. The songs he sang were called 'Golden' and 'Kiwi', it would be a lie if I said I didn't enjoy both. Liam then sang 'strip that down' and 'remember', all of us doing the hand motions he thought us during strip that down which were really fun. Niall sang 'this town' and 'still', I really enjoyed both songs of his. Zayn then sang 'Rainberry' and 'scripted' both being a work of art. Then I preformed 'perfect now' and 'Walls'. Even though the boys were on stage with me it still felt a bit foreign singing by myself but I couldn't say that I didn't enjoy it.   
We preformed some songs off of 'Made in the AM', the majority of 'Four' and some of our older songs.   
"Thank you Sydney Australia you have been wonderful tonight, get home safe, take care of one another and we all love you" Liam said out to the crowd as we were wrapping up   
"And treat people with kindness" Harry added before we all got off stage. 

We were pretty much rushed out back to beat the storm of fans and so we could get to our hotel as quick as possible. We all piled into the van all sweaty, hot and getting down form our adrenaline rush.  
"We definitely need to celebrate" Niall yelled laughing his ass off  
"There's a club quite close to our hotel" Zayn said   
"I'm pretty tired" Harry said   
"Our is baby tired? Does he want to sleep?" Niall asked in a baby voice making us all laugh   
"Yes actually"   
"One drink?" Niall pleaded with him  
"No I want my bed"   
"Pretty please" Niall asked with a puppy dog face   
"That face doesn't work on me"  
"Come on Harry just one drink" I said smiling at him   
"Fine" he said rolling his eyes   
"Well that didn't take much convincing" Niall said rolling his eyes and I couldn't help but laugh.   
We got back to the hotel and we all got changed and took showers before meeting at the back entrance of the hotel so we could be escorted to the club. Our security had called ahead and they had set up a vip area for us.   
I had promised myself I wouldn't have more then one drink I did not want a repeat of today. When we finally arrived to club Niall went off and ordered our drinks and I was just sitting in the booth while Zayn, Liam and Harry were goofing around on the dance floor.   
I couldn't help but look over at Harry and watch how his hair bounced around, stuck to his face as he began to sweat. How his white t shirt hugged his toned body and upper arms. How his dimples got deeper when he was laughing at the silly stuff Zayn and Liam were doing. He looked like an angel, it was almost as if there was a halo glowing above his pretty little head.   
"Would ya stop starring at him? It's creepy" Niall said as he set down a couple of drinks and the bartender followed with setting down a tray of 10 shots and I just looked at Niall with a disapproving look.   
"2 shots each and here's your beer" he said handing me my beer as the rest of the boys came over to us   
"This is not one drink" Harry said   
"You don't have to if you don't want to, more for me" Niall said   
It looked like Harry was considering not drinking for a moment but before anyone could say anything he had downed two shots, one after thee other and washed it down with some of Nialls beer.   
"Come on, I want to dance, hurry up" Harry said looking at the boys.   
"This is to our first concert going perfectly and to many more" Niall yelled over the loud music playing   
We all picked up a shot and downed it, I could feel the vodka burning my throat and settling in my empty stomach. That was enough for me personally.   
The others downed both their shots before joining Harry on the dance floor while I continued to sit. I was aware that I probably was being boring but I wasn't really up for it tonight.   
I decided to take out my phone and look over twitter for a minute and to say the fans were freaking out was an understatement. I quickly decided to log off before my phone crashed. That's when I got an idea, what if I’d unblock Harry’s number and see if the message he sent would come through. 

I went to the numbers I had blocked and I took a deep breath as my finger ghosted over his name, I finally decided to do it I unblocked his number. Then a bunch of messages started to flood through my phone all from him. I took a deep breath before opening then and scrolling up quite a bit. When I got to messages from 2017 I decided to stop there.

I know my numbers blocked but I release my first album today. H  
05/12/17  
I miss you and Im drunk. H  
06/30/17   
I saw you won a teen choice awards, I’m proud of you, and you should of won make hottie. H  
08/14/17  
My tour starts today. H   
09/19/17  
Happy birthday, hope you had a wonderful day and Merry Christmas. H  
24/12/17  
Wishing you were my New Years kiss. H  
01/01/18  
I miss your kisses and your touch. H   
I really wish you were here. H  
I’m so drunk Lou, saw your pictures today and I really need you. No one satisfies me as you do. H  
17/01/18

I continued scrolling through the texts and I they were mostly the same, him missing me, wishing me happy birthday or congratulating me for something or just being really horny. I couldn’t wait to tease him about this it was quite funny. I looked over to the boys and I spotted Liam and Zayn on the dance floor, while Niall and Harry were over at the bar taking shots.   
One hour turned into two and two into three, soon it was about 3am and the boys were wasted. Harry could barley stand straight and Niall wouldn’t stop laughing, while Zayn and Liam were practically grinding on one another.   
“It’s time to leave” I yelled to Niall over the music   
“Why are you so boring” Niall pouted   
“We leaving?” Liam asked as he came up to us and I nodded   
“I want food” Niall whined  
“Sleep” Harry mumbled he rested his head on Niall shoulder while Niall held him up by the waist.   
“Someone needs to get him back” Zayn said while pointing at Harry   
“How about me and Zayn take Niall to get some food while you two head back” Liam suggested   
I just nodded agreeing to anything just so I could get back and sleep.   
“Here” Niall said pretty much handing Harry to me.   
I wrapped my arm around his waist to support him and his tall frame. He just wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. I was told our van was outside waiting for us and I was looking forward getting back to my hotel room.

“We’re off, you boys be safe” I said and they just nodded and continued dancing   
“Harry I need you to walk for me, I can’t carry you” I said guiding him towards the door “that’s it one foot in front of thee other”   
“Am I doing it right?” He slurred   
“Yea you’re doing it right, just a bit more and then we’re in the van” I said encourage him   
Once we exited the club doors we were met with flashing lights and I knew that Simon would absolutely love this. First day of tour and the Larry rumors would be back, I couldn’t take another stunt and I’m sure he couldn’t either.   
Our security who was waiting outside for us helped to van while the paparazzi took pictures and yelled out questions. It must of been the club that did it or something, it was just so exhausting one day without a bunch of people snapping pictures of us every five minutes would be amazing. It was just so irritating because something so innocent as me trying to get harry home safely would be turned into something big while me and Harry would have to face the fall out of it. We finally got into the van and drove off, Harry was still holding around my neck with his head on my shoulder.  
“What you thinking bout” Harry asked kissing my neck  
“Nothing and don’t do that”   
“Sorry” “you smell nice” he said sniffing my hair   
“Thank you” I said while laughing a bit   
“Can I sleep with you tonight?”  
“I don’t think that would be a good idea you’re drunk”  
“Am not” he said with a pout   
We finally arrived at the hotel and I helped Harry up to his room.   
“Where is your room key?”  
“Back-pocket”  
“Is it okay if I take it out?” I asked   
“Mmhm” he said while nodding and I reached into his back pocket to retrieve his room key.   
After getting his keys and opening his room door I lead him over to his bed and helped him get on.   
“Off” he said as he was struggling to remove his t shirt   
“You need help?” I asked and he just nodded giving up   
I slowly helped him remove his t shirt, before moving on to his shoes and socks.   
“Okay get under the covers now” I said  
“Trousers”   
“Are you sure” I asked a bit uncomfortable and he nodded.   
I undid the button of his jeans and he lifted up his butt so I could slide off his jeans. After I did he rolled on to his stomach pushing his cute little butt up in the air.   
“You like my panties?” He asked looking over his shoulder at me while sticking his ass out   
“Get under the covers Harry” I said whole refusing to look   
“Boring” he said while getting under the covers   
“Now sleep you’re gonna have such a hang over tomorrow” I said   
I looked at his face the was smashed against the pillow one last time before leaving to my own room to sleep.   
Today was eventful to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s not possible to see texts someone sent while blocked but just go with it. I hope you all enjoyed it. Feel free to comment your thoughts.   
> Also follow me on twitter @fearlessmisy


	11. Chapter eleven

Harry's pov~  
Saturday 21st March 2020 - 9:23 am   
I woke up by a loud knock on my door and I groaned not wanting to open my eyes. My head was pounding and I knew I shouldn't of drank the much last night, but Louis was sitting in the booth smiling at his phone his cheeks all flushed and I was jealous, so I wanted to forget. Just for a bit. I couldn't help but think about who he was texting and who was making him blush that much. My train of thought was interrupted when the banging on my door started again. I just sighed getting up and putting a pair of sweats on and a t shirt.   
"What?" I asked as I opened the door to see Liam and Niall.   
Niall looking like him usual self but Liam looking completely shattered.   
"We're having breakfast here, Zayn and Louis are out getting the food" Niall said pushing past me and walking straight to my bed and laying down.   
"Louis' coming? I need to brush my teeth and wash my face" I said as I walked straight towards the bathroom. I needed to at least look a bit presentable, I didn't really remember much after 4th drink or so. I did remember Louis at some point holding me but I wasn't too sure when or why. I finished up in the bathroom looking a lot more fresher than I did when I had entered. 

"How are you in a good mood?" I asked as I laid down next Niall resting my head on his chest.  
"I'm Irish alcohol doesn't affect me" he said   
"Stupid Irish"  
"Never drinking that much again" Liam said who was on the other side of Niall   
"Same"  
"I really embarrassed myself last night" Liam said   
"Why? What did you do?" Niall asked   
"It's too embarrassing to say"  
"We won't laugh" Niall said   
"I can't"  
"Well how about I share something embarrassing I did yesterday, before the show I was talking to Louis and I accidentally told him I have sex dreams about him" I said while blushing  
"You dirty little boy" Niall said just making me blush even more   
"Mine is worse" Liam said   
"Okay I got really drunk last night because I saw Louis smiling at his phone and I got jealous" I admitted   
"That's just kinda pathetic" Niall said and I hit him on his stomach  
"Your turn liam" I said looking over at him  
"Last night after we got Niall his food and put him in his bed. Me and Zayn were outside my door just talking and I-I maybe kissed him" he said the last part being very rushed   
"You what?" I asked sitting up   
"It just sort of happened" he said   
"My ship is finally sailing" Niall yelled at the top of his lungs   
"Shut up" I said hitting him, adding to my headache   
"And don't let this idiot be a captain he's shit, look at what happened to me and Louis ship" I joked which just caused Niall to hit me  
"That was not on me that was the two of you, but what did Zayn do?"   
"At first he seemed like he might of been into it but then he just pushed me away and was like you should go to bed and the just left"   
"No way he doesn't like you, the way he looks at you, maybe he just thought that it was because you were both drunk. Or he saw how Harry and Louis thing turned out and doesn't want to risk being hated by you or losing you as a friend" Niall said  
"Maybe you should just talk to him about it and if he isn't interested in you then just say it was a drunken mistake" I suggested   
"But it wasn't just a drunken mistake and I want it to happen again" Liam said while sighing   
"I know what you mean, but just talk to him start there and see where it goes" I said trying to be the best support I could possibly be   
Before any of us could continue there was a knock at my door both me and Liam looked at Niall for him to go and open, he sighed but complied. 

"Welcome boys" Niall said as he swung the door open   
"Shouldn't you be hung over?" Zayn asked   
"I'm Irish" was his answer   
"We got some breakfast and coffee" I heard Louis voice and I couldn't help but wonder who he was texting last night   
"Well common in we have two grumpy hung over boys inside waiting for their food" Niall said letting them in.   
He then joined me and Liam back in bed wrapping his arms around both of us.   
"Too much to drink?" Louis asked with his adorable smile while handing out our coffees.   
"Yea a bit" I said while nodding as he gave me my iced coffee   
"You act like you have a school girl crush whenever you're around him" Niall whispered to me.   
I just blushed sitting up and leaning back against the headboard, the other two doing the same. While Louis and Zayn went over to sit down in the chairs across from the bed.   
"Come on Harry if your gonna have girl over make sure they take their underwear with them" Zayn said looking at me and the chair   
I was confused for a second before I realized it must of been one of my own. I looked over to Louis that was blushing which just confirmed it for me. I shot out of my bed and sprinted towards the chair.   
"Sorry" I said while blushing, I knew I was I could feel the heat raiding from my face and getting the underwear.  
"So who was the lucky girl?" Zayn asked as I walked over to bathroom   
"No ones and they're clean" I said as I placed the underwear besides the sink in the bathroom   
"Who's are they?" Niall asked as I got into bed next to him   
"Mine" I whispered and he looked at me wide eyed but just nodded   
"So are you going to tell us?" Louis asked with a grin   
"No, it was no ones" I said just glaring at him   
"You sure?"   
"Yes"  
"Alright" he said with a cheeky smile   
"He is so flirting with you" Niall whispered to me  
"So how's everyone feeling?" Liam asked shyly   
"Good" Zayn and Louis said   
"Not great" I said truthfully   
"Had a bit too much to drink?" Zayn asked   
"I don't even remember how I got here" I said   
"Louis helped you" Niall said   
"Oh thank you" I said while blushing   
"It was no problem"   
"What did the rest of you do then?" I asked   
"We just went out to get food then back to our room" Zayn said not looking up from the coffee in his hands   
"Where's the food I'm starving" Liam said crawling across the bed to the bag that was set on the floor   
"What did you guys get?" Niall asked rubbing his hands together   
"We got burgers and chips, we assumed you'd be hung over and nothing fixed a hangover like some grease food" Louis said   
Burgers at 9am that was seriously a no go but I didn't complain.  
"Give me" Niall demanded and Louis started handing out the food.   
"Your vegetarian, right?" Louis asked while looking at me and I nodded.   
He handed me a veggie burger and I couldn't help but smile over the fact that he remembered. 

"You guys need to look a little less dead because we have a interview at 12" Zayn said breaking the silence and we all just nodded  
"Me and Harry have a phone meeting at 10:30" Louis said not looking up from his food   
"We do?"   
"Yeh with Simon, I think it's about last night"  
"What about last night?" I asked confused   
"When I was helping you get back there were paparazzi, probably just about the pictures" he said while shrugging.   
A part of me was happy that there would be pictures, i knew they fans would love it since it's been about five years since they got proper larry content. The downside would be that I most likely looked like a mess. I just nodded as a I continued to eat my food.   
"Whos the interview with then?" Liam asked   
"Shazam top 20, you, me and Zayn with them before" Louis said   
And I knew exactly what it would be, Louis had the biggest crush on the interviewer and it was noticeable. Was that who he was texting? I could feel my stomach start to do flip flops and I started to feel sick.   
"Oh the guy you had a fat crush on?" Niall asked while laughing which earned him a kick from Liam   
"I didn't have a crush on him" Louis said while blushing and avoiding eye contact with me.   
I couldn't help but roll my eyes, but I opted against saying anything.   
We all continued talking there was some tension in the room between Liam and Zayn mostly. I didn't say much just ate my food in silence. 

"It's 10:25 maybe we should leave Lou and Harry to get told off by big man" Liam suggested while looking at the time and I just sighed   
Soon it was just me and Louis sitting across from each other.   
"You can sit on the bed, I don't bite" I said while laughing a bit   
He just laughed before walking over to the bed and sitting down beside me.   
"Who you lying too? We both know you bite"   
"Shut up" I said while blushing and looking away from him. "So you looking forward to the interview today?" I asked trying to be subtle but failing miserably   
"It's just a interview" he said shrugging   
"It's not just an interview"   
"Well if you do to me what you did after that interview then yea I'm looking forward to it" he said while winking at me   
Why was there so much sexual tension? Why would he say that, we both knew what happened that night after the interview. I couldn't help blush as I started to think about it.   
Before I had the chance to answer Louis phone started to ring and he answered putting it on speaker .  
"Hello boys, Simon here" we heard over the phone and Louis pretended to gag making me giggle.  
"Hi" we both said   
"I'm sure your both aware of why i am calling, those pictures that were taken last night are everywhere and the rumors we were trying to avoid are back. We can't have this happening and I'm afraid it leaves us no other choice-"  
"You do have a choice and we all know that. I don't want another stunt or anything like that. Just ignore the rumors it won't happen again it was a one off. Harry was drunk and I was literally just trying to get him back to the hotel it wasn't anything else" Louis said cutting off Simon   
Louis was always the one to talk when it came to this type of stuff, ever since we were young, it just made sense. He was older and more mature, he took put everything on himself, changed, took all the stunts without complaining just so I wouldn't have to. Just so I could be myself, but I think that made him somewhat lose himself in the process.  
"I don't want stunts or anything either, it was a one time thing, I was drunk, he was helping me and that's that. We're not in a relationship so there is no reason for stunts or anything" I said   
We could hear Simon sigh and it was quite for a minute or so.   
"Fine, but this is your final warning I don't want to see any of that again, am I clear?"   
"Yes boss" Louis said   
"Don't get cheeky with me" Simon said "behave at your interview today and we'll talk some other time" he said   
Before we could even say bye he hung up on us. 

"That went better than I thought"  
"Yea" I said while nodding   
"You had fun last night?"   
"Yea it was nice being out with the boys and all, you were a bit boring not going to lie, sitting the whole time on your phone" I said nudging him with my elbow.   
That's when I realized how close we were sitting, making my heart beat a lot faster.  
"I didn't want to drink two nights in a row, but Yeh I'm glad you had a good time"   
“I hope you had a good time too”  
“I did” he said “I wanted to ask you if you know Liam had said anything to you?”   
“About what?” I asked confused   
“I don’t know just about him and Zayn”   
“What do you know?” I asked too scared to reveal anything   
“What do you know?” He asked back   
“Let’s say it at 3” I said and he nodded and we counted down together before saying   
“They kissed”   
“So does Liam like him?” Louis asked with a happy smile   
“Does Zayn like him?” I said with a puzzling look  
“Not this again, I think we are both aware that they like each other”   
“Yes, but why didn’t Zayn kiss him back?”  
“Not sure actually, too scared maybe. Or maybe felt like he had too much to drink”  
“I think we all had a bit too much to drink” I said honestly making Louis giggle a bit.   
After I moment of silence I decided to ask Louis “So last night I saw you were on your phone a lot texting someone, does it happen to be a certain Australian interviewer?" While looking down at my hands that were placed on my lap   
"What you jealous?"   
"No"  
"You sound a bit jealous"  
"Am not"   
"You so are"  
"Then you were jealous over the panties Zayn found" I said arguing like a child   
"I knew those were yours and there's no reasons for me to be jealous of someone else I know nobody satisfies you like I do" he said with a wink  
"What"  
"Don't blame me, it was your own words" he said   
"Did I say that last night?" I asked embarrassed as I tried to hide me face in my hands   
"No you texted me it"  
"What?"   
"I have to get get ready for the interview, see you there" he said as he got up from my bed  
"You have to give me more than that" I said but he didn't respond he just walked out my hotel room. 

As soon as I heard the door I started searching for my phone. He was joking about unblocking my number right? He couldn't be serious about it, could he? When I finally found my phone I went straight to messages and clicked on his name. It said read and my heart sank he saw everything I had texted him for the past 5 years, holy shit. All the I miss yous, I love yous and me just being a horny piece of shit basically.   
That cheeky piece of shit I thought, I decided to text him that and he just replied with a wink face.   
Why was he being so flirty? I didn't mind it but it was a bit odd. Almost like we were sexually frustrated teenagers again.   
I decided to snap out of it and take a shower before getting ready for the interview. 

(11:54 am) 

We had arrived at the location were we'd be doing our interview and it was just us boys, the camera crew and assistants.   
"How do I look?" Louis asked looking at Zayn   
"You look great mate, stop asking and stop acting like a teenager with a crush" Zayn said   
That's when Louis saw me staring and sent me a wink, I just rolled my eyes. I couldn't lie I was extremely jealous.   
That's when he walked, angus and I could see Louis smile get wider and his eyes crinkle and I was not happy.   
"Hey it's lovely to see you guys again" he said as Liam shook his hand, so did Zayn and Louis.   
Him and Louis handshake was a bit longer then the rest and I couldn't help glare at the man.   
"Hi we didn't have the chance to meet last, I'm angus" he said putting his hand out for me and Niall to shake.  
"Hi I'm Harry" I said with a small smile   
"I'm Niall"  
"So shall we get this started?" He said sitting down from across us.   
I didn't even get why Louis was so attracted to him, he wasn't even that good looking I thought to myself. Which I knew was a lie he was gorgeous and how would I ever compete to someone like him.   
"Lovely too see you all in more casual clothes might I say, all looking good" he said while looking at our outfits   
"Same goes to you, that blue shirt really brings out your eyes" Louis said and I snapped my head towards him and he had a cheeky grin on his face.

Was he trying to prove that I was jealous or was he trying to piss me off? Was that his plan? I’m not gonna give into it, I’m gonna act like I don’t care, that’ll teach him a lesson.   
Soon we were told that the tapes were rolling and we had to get on with the interview.   
“Hello and welcome back, I’m Angus and I’m back with the five boys from one direction” he said while looking at the camera   
We all just waved and said our hellos to the camera.   
“So last night was your first show of the reunion tour, how does it feel being back out there?” He asked   
“Yea it felt amazing actually, it was nice seeing our fans and being able to preform with the boys again as well as our own songs it was incredible” Liam said   
“How did it feel seeing one another preform your solo stuff?”  
“It was surreal almost, because I guess we were all use to preforming together, so seeing one of us preform solo it makes you so proud” Zayn said   
“Yea you can’t help but be proud, we’re like brothers so it’s just one of those moments where you can’t stop smiling because your so proud at how far they have come” Louis said with a smile   
“You guys are playing again tonight, correct me if I’m wrong”   
“Yes we are” Niall said   
“Will you be there?” Louis asked   
“No no unfortunately not” he said   
“That’s too bad, you could of gotten an all exclusive behind the scenes tour” Louis said which just made my blood boil.   
“Maybe I might show up then” he flirted back. “So have you been enjoying Australia so far?”   
“We haven’t really had the chance to do stuff, I think Harry had the chance to go shopping a bit since he was here before the rest of us, but other than that we haven’t had the chance” Niall said   
“Well we did go out last night” Liam said   
“Yea, I heard that. Anyone hungover today?” He asked while laughing   
“I had a bit too much to drink” I admitted “Terrible headache this morning”   
Thought out the next 15 minutes Louis would not stop staring at Angus, making jokes, laughing at his terrible jokes. Could he be more obvious?   
“So were gonna play a game, it’s called yes or no, pretty simple I’ll ask you a question and you answer either yes or no, you don’t have to explain anything we just move on to the next” he said handing us paddles that had yes or no on them.   
“Fairly simple” he said and we all nodded.   
“Let’s get started” Niall said with a grin  
“Okay so first question are you single?”   
We all held up yes and he nodded while saying “good to know”  
“Have you ever taken a picture while naked?”   
We all held up yes and I couldn’t help but blush and remember all the pictures me and Louis would send each other.   
“Have you ever kissed a fan?”  
Me and Niall turning our paddles to yes while the rest of the boys showed no.  
“Ever been in love?”   
We all showed yes   
“Ever had your heart broken”   
We all showed yes again   
“Okay the final question, have you ever been in love with a close friend or best friend?”   
Niall and Zayn turned his paddle to no, Liam had his in the middle while me and Louis showed yes, we were best friends before anything ever happened between us.   
“Liam I’m gonna need a yes or a no”  
“Love is such a strong word, have I ever liked a close friend then yes but been in love no” he said   
“Okay let me rephrase, have you ever liked a close friend?”   
This time Zayn also turned his paddle to a yes, it was definitely about Liam and Liam was definitely talking about Zayn and I couldn’t help but smile while looking at them.   
Angus then went on with saying his byes to the camera and we all followed suit and said our byes.   
“So will I be seeing you tonight?” Louis asked as soon as the cameras were off.   
“I don’t know maybe” angus said with a flirty smile.   
“Should we go and look for food?” Niall asked while looking at me and I just nodded and followed him out of the room.   
“He’s doing it to piss me off you know?” I said annoyed   
“Yea I think so, but I thought things were okay between you two”  
“They were, he was all nice after the call with Simon and now he’s just trying to piss me off” I said anger building up inside of me.   
“How about we head out of here, get some food, get back to the hotel and just relax before tonight” Niall suggested and I just nodded.   
-  
Before and after the concert I didn’t see Angus around and that was a relief. Louis didn’t say much to me either but I didn’t mind. I was too afraid if I spoke to him that I’d just be harsh or something. So it was better to say nothing. And I didn’t mind that.


	12. Chapter twelve

Harry’ pov~  
Wednesday 1st April 2020 - 3:23 pm -📍Tokyo   
We had gotten done with our Australian and New Zealand part of the tour and now we were moving on to the Asian part. We would have about 3 weeks off after the Asian tour and as much I loved touring I couldn’t wait to just be back in England again and relax. Things with the boys were okay, things with Louis were also okay there were some days where he’d not talk to me and some days where he’d be talkative and a hint of flirty. It was definitely confusing but at least he would talk to me, sometimes. And for now it was enough and I could feel that he maybe was starting to trust me again. He wouldn’t tell me to fuck off if I accidentally bumped into him or if my hand brushed against his. He would laugh at my stupid jokes like he always did, sometimes I could see a spark in his eyes and when he got really excited his whole face would light up and let out a excited squeal then cover his mouth with his sweater paws while giggling. I loved watching him when he laughed because his eyes would crinkle and for a moment it would look like he didn’t have any cares in the world, he would look so free and bright. He would look like Lou, my Lou. Before i broke him. 

Some times I could see the sadness in his eyes when we’d watch a movie and he’d see a same sex couple, I could see the anger and hurt. I knew he wanted to be free and he himself, but he gave up his freedom for me. And what did I do with that? I just betrayed his trust and hurt him so deeply. I just wanted to fix it all and let him be who he truly is.  
One thing though was we didn’t get any more threatening calls from Simon which was extremely nice. It could get so much sometimes, we were just getting back to being okay and then there was this added pressure of not pissing Simon off. But it was okay I had a small sense of hope that everything would be okay. Which maybe a dumb thing because having high hope just leads to heartbreak, I was scared I’d break my own heart. But I couldn’t help be a hopeless romantic and I couldn’t help but believe that me and Louis were meant for each other. 

I missed being able to call him mine, and for me it wasn’t about the sex or that stuff, don’t get me wrong I loved it. But what I loved more was watching him brush his teeth right before we went to bed, watching his bare shoulders with drops of water still dripping from his body after his nightly shower and the towel loosely hanging around his waist. It was watching him talk in his sleep mumbling incoherent words that made absolutely no sense. It was watching him ugly cry to movies, looking after him when he had the flu, it was going grocery shopping with him and kissing each other despite our morning breath.  
All the mundane tasks like laundry and cooking weren’t so dull, nothing was when I was with him. It was soft, that’s the best way I could describe it,our love was soft, it was the soft tender touches and the softest kisses, too scared we’d hurt one another so we’d stay soft and took care of one another. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, no relationship was and we both had a jealous moments and argued, it was always loud, aggressive with a touch of hurtful words but at the end of the day we’d both get in bed and it would be soft again, the words, the small sorrys, the I love yous, it was all soft filled with so much kindness and affection.   
I really had to stop thinking about him before I start to cry. 

Stuff were good right now and I was not going to ruin it with being emotional. Stuff with Liam and Zayn were a bit weird, I don’t think they had talked about their kiss, it was a bit awkward between them but they wouldn’t show it in interviews or our shows, which was good. But when ever we’d be just us boys it would be painfully awkward, worse than me and Louis to be honest. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a knock on my hotel room door, i sighed before getting out of my comfortable bed and opened the door.   
“Louis” I said shocked and a started to try and fix my messy hair   
“Hey am I disturbing you?” He asked shyly   
“No no, come in” I said as I let him into my room.   
“Sorry for the mess” I said as I started picking up clothes from the floor and placing them on the chair in the corner   
“S’not a problem” he said as he got into my bed and under the covers.   
I was so confused, he hadn’t said why he was there, he seemed off and sad.   
“You okay?” I asked as I got into the other side of bed and he just shrugged   
“Do you want to talk about it?”   
“It’s nothing really, just a bad day I guess nothing happened just feeling slow, tired and achy” he said while looking at me with his big blue eyes   
“I get it, we all have those days. And we don’t have a show for the next two days so you can rest up and focus on feeling better” I said while giving him a smile.  
There’s was something that made this feel so intimate, us laying in bed on our sides facing each other, so close but too far to touch.   
“Thank you for choosing to come to me” I said truthfully   
“Don’t make it into a thing” he said while rolling his eyes   
I couldn’t help but blush and say “I won’t”   
“So what do you want to do?” And I couldn’t help but reach out my hand and brush his hair out of his eyes. He didn’t say anything and I hoped to god I didn’t push it too far.   
“Could we maybe go for a walk, and find a grocery store and get snacks, then come back here to watch a movie?” He asked shyly and I enjoyed when Louis was like this, I didn’t want him to be hurting or anything but when he was like this he enjoyed being taken care of and he’d just want to be in bed all day and snack and cuddle.   
I liked taking care of him and cuddling him and eating snacks while watch Disney movies.   
“Are you gonna go get a jacket? It’s cold out” I said   
“Could I borrow one of yours?” He asked while blushing and god did I love when he was like this.  
I know must of the time he had to be strong and put on a brave face and he’d always be the one to take care of me but I enjoyed taking care of him and doing stuff for him even if it was just giving him my jacket it made me happy.   
“Here you go” I said giving him the jacket I had been using all of yesterday and today, hopefully it smelled like me and he’d like that   
“It’s too big” he said while frowning as the jacket landed right under his ass and the arms were too long and he was overall just drowning in it.  
“It’s because your small” I said as I searched for a jacket and a hoodie   
“I am not small” he said and I could see the pout on his face without even looking at him.   
“Yes you are, you’re a small little bean” I teased   
I tensed up when I felt Louis put his hands on my waist and pulled me back against him , so my back was against his chest.   
“I am not small and you know it” he said through gritted teeth and he pushed himself against me. I knew he wasn’t talking about his length or built, and I had to agree I knew he wasn’t small, he was the perfect size. Not too big but not too small, just perfect and big enough to make me feel full and whole.  
I had to bite my bottom lip to try and not let out a moan, I was not about to ruin this. I turned around to face him and we were so close to each other now.   
“Stop being so dirty” I said while giving him a small push   
“You like it”   
“Whatever” I said as I put on the black hoodie over the t shirt I was wearing.   
Me and Louis both put on surgical mask so that would help us go under the radar but we also put up the hoods of our jackets.   
“I like Tokyo” Louis said as we walked down the street in hopes to find a grocery store  
“Me too, it’s so much calmer not crazy paps after us or anything” I said as I looked around us.   
The hotel we were staying in wasn’t exactly down town so the streets were a lot less calmer then in the city.   
“Yea, I think that’s what I like the most” he said   
We fell into a comfortable silence as we walked towards an unknown destination. After about 10 minutes of walking we saw a grocery store and went inside. I missed doing stuff like this with Louis and I knew this would be fun, he’s such a picky eater that he’d walk around the store for at least 20 minutes complaining about not finding anything and then end up choosing a Nesquik chocolate milk, a bag of Haribo gummies and a bag of crisps. And that’s exactly what happened. 

“Your stressing me” Louis whined   
“I’m not doing or saying anything” I said while holding the basket that had my roasted almonds, seaweed crisps and a bottle of vanilla iced latte.   
“Yes you are”  
“Okay how about I pick out your snack?” I asked as we had been stood in the crisps isle for about 7 minutes   
“Okay” he said shyly whole looking down at his feet.   
“How about sour cream and onion crisps?” I asked and he just nodded   
“Okay now lets get you something to drink” I said as we walked away towards the fridges.   
“How about chocolate milk?” I asked holding it up to show him  
“Can I get the big bottle?”  
“Of course anything for you” I said as I put back the one I was holding and got the bigger bottle.   
“How about some sweets to finish off?”   
“No” he said   
“No?”   
“You got a bunch of healthy shit and It makes me feel fat” he said while scrunching his nose up  
“Don’t say that, you’re not fat. Even if you were you’d still be just as pretty” I said while bopping his nose   
“How about we share a bag of gummies?” I suggested and he thought about it for a second before nodding.   
I couldn’t help but smile as we walked over to the sweets isle and I got us two packs of gummy bears without Louis seeing, I knew one wouldn’t be enough for the both of us.   
We walked over to the check out and I knew Louis would start bickering about who was going to pay.   
“Let me pay” he demanded from beside me  
“No”  
“Why?”  
“Because I said so”   
“Please Harry it’s only fair if I pay” he said   
“I said no” I said before walking over to the cashier   
“Hello” I said to the cashier ignoring Louis annoyance.   
After I had payed and walked outside to where Louis was waiting for me.   
“Can I at least carry the bag?” Louis asked   
“No”   
“You’re being such a baby” he said   
“Am not”   
“So are” he said   
And I just rolled my eyes while smiling at his childishness. I felt a small cold hand slip into my pocket where my right hand was, I looked at Louis with wide eyes and he just shrugged while he laced our fingers together.   
“Don’t make it into a thing”   
“I won’t” I said trying my best to hide my smile   
“Can we watch tangled when we get back” he asked while looking up at me with hope in his eyes   
“What ever you want Lou- shit sorry I forgot”   
He just squeezed my hand reassuring me and it confused me, was I allowed to call him Lou?  
“S’kay” 

The walk back to the hotel we talked about our concerts and how happy Louis was about the way the fans received his music and how the enjoyed his own songs and wanted more. I knew it meant the world to Louis and I knew how insecure he was about his singing, his music and himself. He deserved it all, he deserved the recognition and love he was getting.   
“You’re amazing and you deserve it, you truly do” i said making sure he knew how amazing and talented he was.  
Every time i gave him a compliment he just squeezed my hand while blushing, I could see the blush even though the cold Tokyo weather had caused his cheeks and nose to be pink. I loved seeing how Louis face lit up when ever he was talking about his music, maybe one day I would be able to hear all of his songs.   
When we got back to the room we took off our jackets and shoes before getting in to bed with our snacks.  
I took out my laptop and searched for the movie, I could see out of the corner of my eye Louis looking at me. I didn’t even want to watch a movie anymore I just wanted to lay there looking at his pretty blue eyes, they had me mesmerized, I could just stare into them for the rest of my life.   
“Should I put it here?” I asked as I placed the laptop in the space between us.   
“Erm how about...” he trailed off while lifting the laptop and placing it on my stomach “and then you just...” he continued while taking my arm and wrapping it around himself as he laid his head on my shoulder and cuddled into my side.  
“Is this okay?”   
“It’s perfect” I said kissing the top of his head as I pulled him closer to me.   
I let my hand fall to his back as the movie started and I traced random letters and figures with my fingers on his back. Sometimes I was switch it up and I’d run my fingers through his hair and he’d just lean in towards my hand, almost as if he’d be begging me to continue and happily obliged. Sometimes when I’d softly pull his hair he’d let out a soft wimpier and I’d do it again just to tease him. 

That’s how we spent the whole day in bed, eventually ordering room service, I got some type of vegetable casserole which was delicious and Louis got some pizza. I couldn’t help but tease him we were in Japan and he could of gotten any type of fresh fish or sushi but he chose something he could have wherever else in the world and he just rolled his eyes punching me lightly. Louis also insisted we share a slice of chocolate cake and who was I to say no to him? I let him eat most of the cake and I’m not even sure he noticed but he was happy and watching Louis smile as he ate the cake made Harrys insides melt. After eating our dinner we got back into bed laying as we did before.   
“Weird that none of the boys have come knocking” I said thinking out loud as we were watching toy story.   
“I-I may-maybe t-told them to l-leave me and y-you alone before I c-came here” Louis stuttered out as he buried his face into my chest   
“You wanted me all for yourself?” I teased and he just nodded which somewhat shocked me.   
“S’okay” I said rubbing my hand up and down his back. 

He looked up at me and I could see the blush creeping up on his face and for a second I looked away from his eyes and down to his lips and in that moment I’d do anything to have them pressed against mine.   
“Erm it’s getting late though, I should get back” Louis said as he got out of my grip and I knew I had ruined it again.   
“I’m sorry” I said as I sat up  
“No it’s nothing you did, m’just tired”  
“You could sleep here” I offered   
“No I wouldn’t want to bother you” he said while putting on his shoes.   
I knew i had made him uncomfortable and I had gotten to comfortable and thinking all of this was something it was not.  
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” It came out more as a question then a statement  
“Sure” he said before leaving my room and I could feel my heart somewhat break.   
I just sank back into bed before I heard the door shutting and I said to myself I would not cry. I just took of my clothes and laid back into bed just staring at the ceiling. I just wanted him to be happy and whole again, I wanted to be the person who did that for him. Maybe today I had pushed him a bit too far.   
I just sighed as I turned the lights off before closing my eyes.   
\- - -  
The next day I spent with Niall and Liam, I hadn’t heard or seen Louis all day. Niall had told me Louis and Zayn went out in the early hours and were gonna spend their day exploring. The rest of us doing the same and a small piece of me hoped we’d run into them but knowing how big Tokyo was it was unlikely. Later that day when I got back to the hotel I decided to take a bath and when I got in I couldn’t help but cry. I just laid there in the warm water and weeped until the early hours before I decided to get out and go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just kinda wanted this to be a cute chapter I know not a lot happens. But I hope you all enjoyed it!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is smut in this and it’s clearly marked out where it begins and it ends at this sign //\\\ if you don’t want to read it. Not this sign ‘~’ this one ‘//\\\’  
> There are mentions of sex pretty much through out the whole chapter just a fair warning

*smut*  
Louis' pov~  
Sunday 22nd March 2020 - 📍Tokyo  
"Please Lou" Harry moaned into my neck as I laid on top of him  
"Are you sure?" I asked as I worked my three fingers in and out of him  
"m'ready, need to feel you Lou" he said in a shaky voice while fisting the sheets  
"Can I ride you?" He asked with his voice strained as I curled my fingers inside of him and he arched his back off of the bed  
"Shit yea" I said as I pulled my fingers out and laid down on my back  
"You've got a condom?" He asked as he got on top of me while running his hands up and down my chest  
"I thought you had some" I said as I ran my hands over his bare thighs  
"I don't wanna without" he trailed off  
"That's okay I don't want to without either"  
Harry then leaned down as he continued straddling me to capture my lips with his. His lips felt so good against mine, soft and warm, they moved in a slow rhythm. It wasn't too eager nor was it rough, but I wanted more I wanted to taste him so I decided to deepen the kiss while pulling him closer to me. He gladly let my tongue slip into his mouth and I could help but moan into his mouth as our tongues massaged one another. I could feel Harry's hand trail down my chest and I let out a moan as i felt Harry's hand warp around my erect cock.  
"Can I?" He asked as he started to kiss and suck on my neck  
"Yeh" I said as I ran my fingers through his head  
I felt him press his thumb on my slit causing me to let out a hiss.  
"So big Lou" he whispered into my neck as he slowly started to move his hand up and down along my shaft.  
I bit down on my bottom lip harshly to try and not let out a sound and Harry noticed that.  
"I want to hear you" he said while giving my cock a squeeze causing precome to leak out of my slit.  
Harry happily used it as a sort of lubricant as he started to move his hand a bit faster twisting his wrist as he went up and down. I couldn't help but arch my back off of the bed as Harry started kissing and bitting my right nipple and he tweaked the other one with his free hand.  
I couldn't help but tug at his hair, it's been months since I had another persons hands on me and I knew I would reach my peak soon, but I was trying my best to hold off.  
"So so good" I said tilting my head back and shutting my eyes  
"Don’t slow down" I argued as Harry's hands started to slow down  
"what I didn't hear you? You want me to go slower?" He teased while looking up at me with a smile  
"No faster" I whiled and bucked my hips towards his hand "M'close"  
"Be patient"  
"Please" I begged and then he started to jerk my cock in quick and fast tugs making me curl my toes and fist the sheets.  
~  
The banging on my door made me shoot up in my bed and I was so confused. Was it all a dream? I asked myself as I ran my hands through my hair. I could feel how my cock was painfully hard against my boxers and I knew the wet spot was from the precome leaking out of me. I was brought out of my trance when the banging on my door continued.  
"Just a minute" I yelled annoyed that I didn't get to finish but the dream and in my dream.  
I put on a pair grey sweatpants and it didn't quite help since you could still see that I was hard.  
I opened the door enough to just stick my head out and hid the rest of my body behind the door.  
"What are you doing?" Zayn asked confused  
"I was sleeping" I said  
"Why won't you let me in?" He asked  
"what do you want Zayn?"  
"Was told to wake you up because we're going sightseeing and we're having breakfast together in about an hour, so get ready"  
"Yea how about you come back in an hour?" I asked that would give me more than enough time to take care of the situation in my boxers, shower and get ready.  
"Is Harry in there with you?" He asked while trying to see past me and into the room  
"No, why would you ask that?"  
"I don't know he didn't open his door"  
"He's probably with Niall, I have to go now" I said before closing the door.  
I was quick to strip out of my clothes and jump into the shower. Before I knew it my hand was around my cock jerking with quick rhythmic motions with un pure thoughts of Harry flooding my mind. It wasn't too long before I came over the tiled shower wall. My hand slowed down as I rode out my high.  
As soon as my legs felt steadier and no longer shaky, I washed down the wall before washing my body and hair.  
//\\\  
I got out the shower with a towel loosely hanging around my waist as I dried my hair with another. I knew it was cold outside so I decided to put on a red jumper and a pair of blue jeans, I lastly paired it with a pair of white trainers. I didn't do much with my hair when I dried I combed through it and just let it be. I sat in the chair going through my phone waiting for Zayn to come to my room and after about 20 minuets there was a knock on my door. I opened it knowing it was Zayn and he had a smile on his face. 

"You Good now?" Zayn asked as I let him into my room  
"Yea, if I tell you, promise not to tell"  
"Promise" he said as he sat down on the chair I was sat in  
"I had a dream"  
"A dream? What kind of dream?"  
"About me and Harry" I explained not wanting to say the words out loud  
"What kind of dream? Was it sad? Happy?"  
"It was a sex dream for fuck sake Zayn"  
"I know I just wanted to get you to say it" he said while laughing "is that why you wouldn't let me in? You had a situation in your boxers?" He asked while giggling like a school girl  
"Yes and you rudely interrupted my dream" I complained  
"Maybe you could turn the dream into reality?"  
"Never, but I do need to go out and get some lube and condoms" I admitted  
"You just said you wouldn't sleep with him"  
"I am not but in my dream we didn't have any so we couldn't do more than hand stuff, I'm not planning on doing anything but it's good to have around" I said with a shrug  
"It doesn't sound like you're not planning to do something"  
"I don't think I could, the other night when I was with him for a second it looked like he was gonna maybe kiss me, but I ran, I left him I just couldn't have it happen"  
"Why did you run?"  
"I want to it's not that, I'm just scared if I kiss him that I'll let myself fall, I'll get completely wrapped up in him and his world, I'm not sure I want to give that part of myself to him again"  
"I understand that, but you like him it's undeniable. I won't ever be able to forget or forgive what he done to you, but I know before all that happened despite the pressure of management and keeping this look up I knew you were happy, genuinely happy. So if you feel like you could get back to that then maybe you should think about it, you know?"  
"I'm scared he'll hurt me again and I'm scared that I'll let him do it because he makes me feel this way that no one else can, he makes me feel strong, loved and he makes me brave"  
"It's okay if he makes you strong and I don't think that fear will go away maybe fade over time but I don't think he would, he knows what he lost and I know it might sound hypocritical but are you gonna shy away from love or the possibility of love for the rest of your life because you're scared you might get hurt" he said "love is only for the brave my friend"  
"Then why are you too scared to talk to Liam?" I asked changing the subject because I knew he was right  
"Because I'm not brave nor am I in love with Liam" he said  
"Yes you are you're the bravest person I know, you managed to stand up to management and you knew how much hate you'd get from thousands of girls but you still did it for your mental health and you choose yourself and that makes you brave"  
"Thank you"  
"Alright let's get going there's a pharmacy across the street and I need to get my condoms" I said standing off the bed I was sat on  
Zayn just shook his head laughing a bit. We went down to the lobby where Liam and Harry were chatting, Harry wearing the jacket he had lent me the other day. It fit him way better then it did me and he looked so sleepy, he had a beanie on and it had been years since I saw him in one, he looked like a giant cuddly bear. I wanted to hold him, well I wanted to do more then hold him but for now holding him would do. 

"Hey lads" I said as we walked over to the boys  
"You seem to be cheery" Liam said with a smile but his eyes lingering more on Zayn then me  
"Yea he had an amazing nights sleep, had a great very vivid dream" Zayn teased me as a confused look washed over Harry and Liams faces  
"Where's Niall?" I asked changing the subject  
"He said he'd be down soon, the van is outside waiting for us to take us to breakfast" Harry said  
"Oh okay I'm just gonna head over to the pharmacy" I said avoiding eye contact with Harry then I had a amazing idea.  
"How about Harry you follow me, you two will be alright here?" I asked looking at Zayn and Liam  
Zayn looked at me with a angry look on his face pleading me not to and Liam looked scared almost.  
"No it cold" Harry said while looking at Liam  
"No it's not, let's go" I said taking his hand and dragging him towards the door.  
I could see him look behind him and back at Liam, that probably didn't want to be alone.  
"It's for like 5 minuets they'll be okay" I said as we walked out into the cold Tokyo weather.  
I could feel Harrys hand slip out of mine and back into his pocket.  
"Sorry" I said embarrassed but I didn't get a reply back.  
We walked to the pharmacy in complete silence, I would occasionally glance up at Harry who was looking straight ahead.  
"Okay you can wait out here" I said as we arrived at the pharmacy  
"What? You don't just get to drag me outside to tell me to wait outside in the cold" he said in an annoyed voice  
"Fine" I said as we entered the pharmacy "but like don't follow me" I said as I walked away from him  
I walked over to the intimate isle and I scanned over the different condoms and lubes they had. I quickly got the ones i needed, I didn't even know why I was buying them.  
"Why you getting condoms" I heard form behind me  
I quickly turned around my face beaming red as I hid my hands behind my back.  
"I'm not" I lied  
"I saw what I saw" he said with a raised brow  
"It's none of your business"  
"You dragged me here , are you planning on meeting up with someone?"  
"Why do you care?"  
"I don't"  
"Seems like you do"  
"I don't, I couldn't care less about who you decide to fuck, I just think it's quite rude that you decide to drag me all the way here to buy your sex props and then act like a complete dick" he said with a frustrated look  
"You're definitely jealous"  
"I'm leaving" he said before turning around and walking towards the exit  
Should I tell him? What if he'd think it's weird, but he did write a song about us having sex that I had yet to listen to. I quickly payed for my items and jogged to catch up to Harry.  
"Why you running?" I asked  
"M'not, the boys are already waiting in the van" he said while walking in long strides to where the van was parked outside the hotel.  
It was two rows of seats facing each other and all 3 boys were sitting next to each other, which forced me and Harry to sit next to each other. They knew exactly what they were doing which the cheeky smiles plastered on their faces. 

"So what did you buy?" Niall asked looking at the pharmacy bag in my hand  
"He got lube and condoms" Harry said as he was fastening his seat belt  
"Harry" I practically yelled  
"Oh" Niall said with wide eyes  
"It's none of anyone's business" I said  
"I think were all just curious to whose getting the Tommo love" Zayn teased  
"I will not hesitate to jump out of this car" I threatened  
"I think Zayn knows who's getting the Tommo love" Niall said poking Zayns sides  
"Not my place to say"  
"Can we just leave me and my sex life alone?"  
"Well don't force me to follow you to buy sex props" Harry said bitterly  
I could tell he was jealous, it was pretty evident, I just hoped that this wouldn't ruin our day today.  
\- - -  
We had spent the whole day exploring local markets and eating at local restaurant, it was really nice. Being a picky eater and testing new foods isn't the most fun but I did try stuff I never thought I would, I enjoyed some of the foods surprisingly. We shopped at local markets and it was nice being with the boys, joking around with them and just spending time with them. Harry didn't say much to me he would at times look at me with anger in his eyes, or stare daggers at me whenever I cuddled Liam, Niall or Zayn.  
I had to tell him no matter how embarrassing this would be I just couldn't let it continue. Before we went back to the hotel we went to some highend mall because Harry and Niall wanted to look around.  
I could see Harry look over to the lingerie store we were walking pasted as we were heading over to the LV store and I knew he'd want to go in, probably too embarrassed since the other guys were around. 

"How about you guys head over to the LV store, me and Harry will just sit down rest for a bit" I said as I stopped walking  
Liam looked over at Harry to see if it was okay and Harry just nodded.  
"You guys gonna put the lube and condoms to use?" Niall asked with a grin on his face  
"Why you want to join?" I asked annoyed  
"No I'd rather just watch maybe film" he said making Harry giggle  
"Just leave you perv" I said causing a loud cackle from Harry and he was quick to cover his mouth with his hand and his dimples in full view.  
"Now that they're gone, you can go in and buy whatever you want, no judgement" I said nodding towards the store  
"They'll still see the bag" he said shyly  
"You can put the bag in my bag" I said holding up the big adidas shopping bag  
"Thank you Lou, you don't have to do this" he said while blushing  
"Just go in and I'll wait out here" I said giving him a small smile  
I was surprised when Harry reached out for my hand and took his in mine.  
"Follow me please" he said giving my hand a squeeze and I just nodded.  
We did get a few odd looks but nothing to bad, it was all worth the smile on Harry's face, he bounced around the store picking up different designs as I tried to keep the unholy thoughts out of my brain.  
"Do you like these?" Harry asked showing me a light blue lace thong, I knew the color would look amazing against his milky white complexion.  
"Do you like them?" I asked  
"I want your opinion"  
"They're pretty, you'd look pretty in them"  
"You wish you'd get to see me in them" he whispered teasingly and he was so right I'd do anything to see him in them  
I just groaned in response making him giggle and he looked so precious and delicate, I just wanted to hold him and take care of him.  
"You fantasizing about me?" He asked with a cheeky grin  
"Let's hurry up before the guys come looking for us" I said and Harry just nodded  
He continued to look around before picking out 6 pieces asking my opinion on all of them. I really wanted to pay for his lingerie and just treat him, but I was too scared that he would of found it odd, like I'd want something in return. 

"You really didn't have to do that you know, taking me there and getting rid of the boys" he said as we walked out hand in hand  
"It's okay really, I didn't mind"  
"Some people think it's odd that I like that, it's not like I'm trying to be a girl you know. It just makes me feel pretty"  
"Then you shouldn't care what anyone else says or thinks, if it makes you feel happy and pretty then wear it"  
"Do you think it's weird? I know I've worn it for you before but it wasn't like a everyday thing"  
"No I don't think it's weird, I would never think that. If you can't remember correctly, I always enjoyed it"  
Saying that just made him blush and look down at his shoes and I could help but smile fondly at the idiot.  
"What you guys doing" we heard Nialls voice causing us to look up  
"Nothing, we ready to leave?” I asked looking at everyone and they just nodded.  
Harry then let go of my hand and then went over to link his arm with Niall as the skipped ahead of us. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, it really did.  
I didn’t say anything for the car ride home and we all said good night before we all went to our separate rooms. I was looking through want I had bought for the day, I put away the condoms and the lube in my suitcase. Looking through the clothes I bought and packing them away, when I got to my adidas bag I saw the bag of lingerie that Harry had gotten. I probably should go over to give them to him, after thinking it over I left my room walking over to Harrys.  
I took a couple of knocks before he opened the door.  
“Hey”  
“Hi”  
“You wanna come in?” He asked and I just nodded  
“I brought these over” I said while handing him the bag and sitting down on the bed.  
“Thank you, also i kinda wanted to talk you about something”  
“Okay, everything alright?”  
“Yea Yea, I was just thinking if you are seeing someone or sleeping with someone I feel like its not okay for you to come into my room and cuddle and all that. Even if it’s harmless I don’t think it’s fair on them, since we have a past and all” he said as he fidgeted with his fingers too afraid to meet my eyes  
“I’m not seeing anyone”  
“So it’s just like a casual hook up thing?” He asked  
“Harry there is no one, if I tell you the truth promise not to laugh”  
“Oh my god you’re using toys?” Harry asked wide eyed “that’s kinda hot” he then whispered  
“No just listen okay, I had a dream-“  
“A dream?”  
“Just listen okay, I had a dream and it was me and you and we were doing stuff, then we didn’t have condoms so we couldn’t go all the way. And I thought maybe I should buy some just incase, it’s not like I’m planning for something to happen, I’m not even sure if I want anything to happen. But I just decided to get them”  
When I was done speaking Harry was looking at with his cheeks painted a deep rose color biting his lip to stop himself from giggling.  
“You can laugh”  
“Am not laughing” he said while covering his mouth and giggling  
I just rolled my eyes while looking at him.  
“It’s okay if you have sex dreams about me”  
“It’s just a bit embarrassing”  
“I told you that I wrote a song about our sex” he said while rolling his eyes “so did you like finish?”  
“Harry”  
“Just a question”  
“Zayn woke me up before I could” I admitted and he just nodded while biting his button lip  
“I’m just confused about what I want and I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t want to hurt you”  
“I would never hurt you ever again”  
“You can’t promise that” I said with a sigh  
“I would never intentionally hurt you, and I know there’s a lot I can’t promise, but I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally, not again”  
“I’m scared”  
“We could just be friends you know?”  
“It’s not normal to want to kiss a friend” I admitted  
“We can take it day by day”  
“Can we not decide anything now?” I asked  
“Of course take all the time you need or want” he said “I just want to make you happy”  
I just nodded smiling and looking into his eyes, I had been a while since I last saw the freckles of gold in his big green eyes, they were only visible in certain lights.  
I couldn’t help put my hand on his cheek stroking the soft skin with my thumb, my eyes scanning his whole face taking in the moment. His hands found their way to my hips holding me in place and my eyes couldn’t help but linger on his full pink lips. Harry had his eyes on my lips and he began to run his left hand through my hair softly tugging at it. Both of us slowly started to lean forward our faces closer than they had been before. I could feel his warm breath on my face as we inched closer, I could feel him lips ghosting over mine. I could see the teasing grin on his face, every inch I moved forward he moved back.  
“Stop teasing me” I groaned while rolling my eyes  
“Can I kiss you?” He asked  
Before I could even say yes there was a knock on the door.  
“Don’t open it” I said quickly  
“I have to, it’s probably Niall” he said while giggling and I just sighed hanging my head down  
“Well tell him to fuck off” I mumble which just caused Harry to laugh even more.  
“I’ll try my best to get rid of him”  
“Plus we have all night to kiss” he whispered in my ear causing shivers to run down my spine.  
I couldn’t wait to kiss him all night until our lips were swollen, red and burning. 

I watched as Harry walked over to the door opening it, I couldn’t quite see who was on the other side but I was assuming it was one of the boys.  
“Victor?” I heard Harry say softly  
Who was Victor? I haven’t ever heard Harry mention someone named Victor, was it a friend?  
“Hey Harry” the man, presumably Victor said.  
His voice was deep and had what I guessed to be a London accent. The man seemed to be well built, he was roughly around Harry’s heigh an inch or so taller. I couldn’t see his face but I could still tell he’s gorgeous. I couldn’t help but feel a bit insecure while sitting on Harry’s bed, I was neither tall or well built, I knew Harry didn’t care for that stuff but I did.  
“What are you doing here?” Harry asked confused still staring at the man in front of him  
“Would you believe it if I said I was in the neighborhood?” He man said with a deep chuckle and Harry just giggled at the man not moving from the door.  
“Are you going to let me in?” He asked awkwardly laughing  
“I have a friend over” Harry whispered as if I wouldn’t hear him.  
“Well tell them to leave”  
“Okay” Harry said shyly as he let the man in.  
He was going to kick me out?  
When I saw the man it looked like he had been chiseled by the gods with his sharp jawlines, cheek bones and his beautiful caramel eyes. He’s hair was brown from what I could see sticking out from his cap. He looked like a goddess and that just made me feel even more insecure and smaller while I was seated on Harry’s bed.  
“Victor this is my friend and band mate Louis and Louis this is my friend Victor” he said introducing us.  
“Nice to meet you” he said while shaking my hand  
“Nice to meet you too” I said with a small smile.  
“I’m gonna head back to my room and leave you two to it” I awkwardly said as I got off from the bed, I would rather leave by myself than get kicked out.  
“I’ll walk you to your room” Harry said while looking between me and the Greek god  
“No need” I said smiling at him  
“Erm okay, I’ll talk to you later?”  
“Yea, you two have a good night” I said before leaving the room I didn’t stick around long enough to hear any of them answer.  
I didn’t go back to my room I walked next door to Zayns room and banged on the door until he opened.  
“What?” He asked as he let me into his room.  
To my surprise Liam was in bed watching something on the tv.  
“Am I interrupting?” I asked  
“No we’re just watching a movie” Liam said  
“Good, can I sleep here tonight?” I asked looking at Zayn  
“Yea sure” he said with a sympathetic look on his face “is everything alright?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it right now” I said  
“I could leave you guys alone if you’d like” Liam said  
“No stay, I want to cuddle with both of you” I said as I took off my jeans and sweater leaving me in my boxers.  
I got into the bed Zayn following suit, I laid between them as they both snuggled into my sides keeping me warm.  
“I love you guys”  
“We love you too” Liam said with Zayn agreeing  
“Let’s finish the movie then sleep, alright?” Zayn suggested, me and Liam just nodding in agreement.  
I couldn’t help but think back to how ready Harry was to throw me out of his hotel room for that Victor, it hurt, but there was nothing I could do about it.  
After the movie finished Zayn turned off both the tv and lights before returning to bed and draping his arm over my stomach and Liam doing the same. I felt safe and secure between them, almost as if I was in a nest of cocoon.  
As I was about to drift off to sleep the all too familiar sound of skin slapping against each other and moaning filled the silent room and we were all aware it was coming from Harrys room. And just like that all the trust and process we had made over the last few months, gone in the blink of an eye.  
I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes as I shut them hard trying to not listen to Harrys soft whimpers begging for more.  
The Greek god was definitely more than a friend.  
“How about we move this sleepover to my room?” Liam asked and Zayn just nodded quickly.  
But I couldn’t seem to move, frozen in the spot, lifeless almost.  
“Can you carry him?” Zayn asked Liam and Liam just nodded before picking me up from the bed bridal style.  
I just curled up against Liam and rested my head against his chest and we rushed to his room that was on the other side of the floor.  
I was grateful because now I couldn’t hear Harrys moaning anymore. We resumed the position we were in before, this time both Zayn and Liam holding me a little tighter and snuggling closer to me.  
He said he wouldn’t hurt me. I guess all that leaves his mouth is just lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to have to do that to you all. I hope you all enjoy it and thank you so much for 1800 reads. It truly means a lot!!


	14. Chapter fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a TW in the beginning of this chapter and I’ve marked it out. If you’re not comfortable with reading it sick to this ‘//\\\’ 
> 
> There are slight mentions/hints to abuse later on in the chapter so I’d like to give a warning about that.

Harry' pov~  
Monday 23rd March 2020 - 9:34 pm - 📍Tokyo 

TW/ mentions of being coerced and manipulated into having sex   
I woke up to someone pulling me closer to their chest and nuzzling their nose into my neck. Then it dawned on me, Victor. He was still here and I had fucked up real bad this time.

Victor and me had a complicated relationship to say the least. I met him about two years ago at some after party and he was so charming and he was nice to me, he didn't treat me like a was this big famous guy he treated me like I was just anyone else and I liked that. We were happy and I did love him, he took care of me, made me feel wanted and loved. 

But things changed after a while 

About three months into the relationship it started to get toxic I guess, he would be obsessive, jealous and he was pick fights over everything. He be angry over my friends, tell me I shouldn’t see them as often as I did. I couldn’t even hang out with Niall without him getting angry. But he was most jealous of Louis, despite never meeting or talking to him. He was jealous of the love I still held for Louis.

He never laid a finger on me or anything like that but he broke me down psychologically until I was willing do anything and everything for him. Victor always had this hold on me when ever he'd call I'd drop everything and go chasing after him. 

Our relationship lasted a bit over a year, before I decided enough was enough and I left in the beginning of 2019. Despite being broken up we’d still hook up from time to time. 

He knew that as well so he always used it to his advantage. I knew it was bad and I knew it was toxic and I most definitely knew that I shouldn't of kicked Louis out like that, finally when stuff were getting good. 

And to be honest Louis is the only person I wanted not Victor, he always just seemed to talk me into things. I guess you could say he pressured me into stuff. His exact words last night were 

"I come all the way to Tokyo go see you and all I get is a hug?" 

And I felt like i had to give in to him, I didn't mind the sex to be honest, there were times I'd be tired but do it to please him, but other than that it was ok I guess. 

It was always similar words that left his mouth in cooked you dinner, don’t I get a thank you in return?’ ‘I went shopping with you, it’s the least you could do’ ‘ I followed you to go see your family, I just need to release some stress’   
I guess it was the least I could do and since I consented it was okay, right?

And I knew I shouldn't be saying that ‘it’s okay’ because it isn't okay, had it be anyone else I'd be in uproar. But when it was happening to me I didn't really mind, we'd both get off so it would be whatever. But I knew it was eating away my soul, every time I gave into him it was like I was giving up a piece of me.  
//\\\

But last night I couldn't help but think of Louis the whole time and I knew that was wrong to but we were so close to kissing and I wanted it more than anything. It was just that when ever I was around Victor I would revert to this submissive being that I didn't even recognize.

Last night after Louis left my room, he practically interrogated me to why Louis was in my room. Asked what we were talking about. I had to lie, I told him we were discussing a birthday surprise for Niall. Despite Nialls birthday being in September, but Victor didn’t have to know that. 

"You up baby?" Victor asked as he placed kisses all over my neck   
"You never told me why you came Victor" I said as I turned around to look at him   
"I missed you" he said giving me a peck  
"How long you here for?"   
"What you don't want me here?" He joked and all I wanted to do was yell yes I don't want you here leave now. But all that came out was a fake laugh resulting with him to kiss me.   
“I was thinking of joining you for the Asian part of the tour, that’s okay right?”   
“Don’t you have work or something?”  
“I cleared everything for you”  
“Oh”  
“You don’t want me here? Is it because of Louis?” He asked angrily   
“No no don’t be silly” I lied again 

I had lied more around him than I did in the past couple of months, that says a lot.

We broke apart when we heard a knock at the door I quickly go up putting a pair of boxers on and walking over to the door, I was begging and praying that it wouldn't be Louis.

I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Liam standing in front of my door with a grumpy look and his arms crossed over chest. It was also a relief that it was Niall, he knew about victor and hated his guts 

"What's wrong?" I asked concerned  
"Well i think you woke up the whole hotel last night" he said  
"Oh I'm sorry, could you hear all the way to your room?" I asked shocked knowing if Liam heard then so did Louis, since there rooms were next to each other.  
"No thankfully, me, Zayn and Louis were in his room next door and we could hear loud and clear so we went over to my room"   
"Louis heard?" I whispered hoping the answer would be no but Liam just nodded.  
"Did he say anything?"  
"No he just kinda laid there listening or not listening, not moving" he said "me and Zayn cuddled him though the whole night"

I just nodded taking in the information.   
"Harry who's at the door" I heard victor ask   
"It's just Liam"  
"What does he want?" Victor whisper yelled   
"To ask if we wanted to get breakfast with him and the boys downstairs" I lied panic washing over me, i knew Victor would say no.   
"Sure that sounds great darling" he said and my eyes just widened   
"I guess I'll see you downstairs" Liam said with his lips in a tight line and I could tell he was not happy. 

After me and victor got dressed he took my hand in his and lead me down to the hotel restaurant.   
We soon spotted all the boys sitting around a table, with two empty seats obviously for me and Victor. 

I quickly removed my hand from his as we approached the table. Victor looked at me with a confused looked but I just quickened my pace towards the boys. 

"Good morning" I said as I sat down and victor following suit   
"And who's this?" Zayn asked bitterly   
"This is my friend Victor, Victor this is Liam, Zayn you met Louis last night and you know Niall" I said introducing everyone   
Niall was just staring daggers at me and I understood, I knew his dislike for Victor.  
"Nice to meet you all and Niall it's nice seeing you again" 

"Wish I could say the same" Niall mumbled causing everyone but Victor and me to snicker a bit   
"Niall please" I said while sighing   
"What I didn't say anything" Niall protested   
"Just shut up, please" I said getting annoyed by the whole situation 

"He was just joking, don't be rude love" Victor said  
"He's not being rude" Niall said with anger in his voice, I think he just enjoyed bickering with Victor.   
"How did everyone sleep last night?" I asked trying to change the subject   
"Slept great, I got to be cuddled by Zayn and Liam" Louis said finally speaking up 

"Yea we had trouble sleeping at first for obvious reason" Zayn said the last part being much quieter   
"Sorry about that" Victor said while laughing a bit   
"You know what I'm gonna head back up to my room, I've lost my appetite" Louis said as he put down the menu he was looking at before getting up and walking back towards the elevators. 

I stood up to go after him but Victor grabbed my arm tugging me down and forcing me to sit back down.   
I could see the anger in Nialls eyes and I just looked at him almost pleading with him to go after Louis. 

"I'll go and check on him, you guys enjoy your breakfast" Niall said standing up before Liam and Zayn had the chance   
\- - - - -  
Louis' pov~  
I waited for the lift to come down growing more frustrated for every moment that passed. I was so angry, at Harry, at myself, at the Greek god and at the world. 

How could Harry just switch from wanting to kiss me and be with me to fucking that guy? It didn't make sense. Nor did it add up.

"Hey you alright?" I heard Niall ask from behind me  
"Yea I'm fine, bit tired" I lied   
“I get how you must be feeling about Harry and all-“  
“I’m not feeling anything” I said cutting him off  
“Just hear me out, Harry and Victor is a complicated thing and I know I shouldn’t be saying this but you should talk to him and maybe he could explain so you would better understand” 

“What is there to understand Niall? Last night he was centimeters away from kissing me and when there was a knock on the door we both thought it was you and he said he’d tell you to leave-“  
“That’s so rude” Niall said cutting me off and I could help but laugh at the Irish boy  
“Just listen, we said we weren’t going a decide anything yet and it was going well Niall then he showed up and said get rid of him and Harry without questioning it said yes, how is that okay?”

“Victor has Harry wrapped around his finger and it’s not my place to say the things he’s done, but there’s more to the story than Harry just tossing you to the side”

When Niall said that I couldn’t help but be concerned. What did he mean? Was victor abusive? He could not just drop a bomb like that and walk away as if nothing happened. 

“Niall you can not just say that not explain”   
“It’s not my place but please just talk to him”

Before even having the chance to speak Niall left me standing in front of the lift that I had forgotten. I just turned around entered the lift and went straight to my room ordering room service.   
\- -   
📍Concert Venue - 7:38 pm 

We were sitting backstage in Liams dressing room, Harry nowhere to be found. I knew he’d be with Victor since Victor had insisted on following us. I could some what tell that Harry didn’t want him there. 

I was trying to take the advice Niall had given me and talk to Harry but every where he was so was Victor. It was impossible to catch him alone. 

Soon Victor and Harry joined us in Liams dressing room and the messy hair, small beads of sweat and untidy clothes made it absolutely clear what that had been doing. 

Once again all remorse I felt for Harry was gone. 

“I should finish getting ready” I said as I stood up from the couch and walking towards the exit. All the boys just nodded saying a quick bye to me. 

I returned to my dressing room and sat down on the couch, throwing my head back and closing my eyes. Hoping for some type of peace before the concert. My eyes opened when I heard a soft knock and my eyes darted over to the door. 

“Come in”   
I watched in anticipation as the door softly opened revealing a sad looking Harry.  
“What do you want?” I asked harshly   
“Please don’t be mad at me” he said as he sat down next to me with sadness in his eyes   
“I’m not mad, I just knew I shouldn’t of trusted you” I said not really caring about his feelings   
“Don’t say that”

“Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend?”  
“He’s not my boyfriend”  
“What is he then you fuck buddy? You need any of that lube and condoms I bought?”   
“Louis please stop, it’s not like that it’s so complicated. I don’t want to be with him”  
“Then why are you?”  
“I don’t know”  
“You said you wouldn’t hurt me”  
“I know, I’m so sorry you don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who’s kind and not stupid and fucked up like me”

“Does he- does he hurt you?” I hesitantly asked   
“No?” He said but I came out as a question   
“He doesn’t physically harm me” he said quietly   
“Harry what do you mean? In what way does he harm you?” I asked sacred to hear the answer   
“Can we talk about it another time? Please not here not tonight” 

“Okay” I said while sighing   
“Please don’t give up hope on us” he said as he placed his hand on my cheek his thumb softly stroking my cheek.   
“You can’t ask me to do that Harry”   
“Please”  
“I can’t promise you that”   
“That’s okay” he said as I saw the tears well up in his eyes   
“I’m sorry Lou” he whispered as he gave me a kiss on my cheek. 

No other words were said before he left my dressing room and I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by his words. I couldn’t promise him that I wouldn’t give up, because he’s already hurt me twice now. 

But did I even have a right to feel hurt? He’s not my boyfriend, we never kissed. Maybe I don’t have i right to feel the way I do.

After the concert was done we went back to the hotel and we were all seated in the hotel bar. Victor telling a bunch of jokes and story’s, Liam and Zayn laughing along. Niall sending death glares towards Victor, Harry letting out small giggles. Then looking down at his lap with a guilty but also sad look on his face. 

After he’d look at me and send me a sad smile and continue focusing on the conversation at hand. Every time a inappropriate joke was told Harry would turn a deep shade of pink and look up at me with a small smile. 

That’s how the rest of the Asian leg of the tour went, Victor following Harry around where ever he went. Loud moans being heard from their hotel rooms and acting innocent when caught in the act. 

Me sleeping between Liam and Zayn while crying my eyes out became a regular thing. Niall giving me hopeful words that wouldn’t really help as he was torn between telling me everything he knew and being loyal. 

Me keeping an extra eye on Harry, to see the way Victor treated him. A whole lot of stolen glances and sad and guilty smiles. Me watching Harry somewhat become a shell of his former self and each time I tried to do or say something he’d beg me not to. And I was loosing hope as each day passed. 

I was loosing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is some what a filler chapter just explaining stuff. But bare with me much will unfold in the coming chapter or two. It’s a bit of a slow burn I know.   
> But I hope you enjoyed reading!


	15. Chapter fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️   
> Pretty much through out the whole chapter there will be talks of abuse, mentions of being coerced into having sex and mentions of self harm. 
> 
> So if you do not want to read it and any of those subjects are triggering to you feel free to skip this one!   
> If you do decide to read I hope you enjoy the chapter and sorry for the delay.

Louis' pov~  
27th April 2020 - 8:34 pm - 📍London

We had gotten back to England 2 days ago, since our Asian leg of the tour was done. We would have two weeks off and I was happy about it, I loved touring and all but it could get exhausting at times. It was nice having a beak. 

One thing that did worry me was not being around Harry, I couldn't keep an eye on him anymore. Over the past weeks I could tell that Harry wasn't happy but he didn't let anyone do anything about it.

Ever since we got home me and the boys hadn't heard from him. I just wanted to know how he was doing, was he happy?

I had just let Clifford and Bruce out to the backyard and was going to prepare myself a very late dinner when I heard my door bell go off. No one was coming over so I was confused to say the least. 

I sighed as I walked over to the door and checking through the peephole. I could feel all the blood drain from my face, despite the persons head hanging and face not visible, I knew who it was. 

I'd recognize that head of curls anywhere. 

I stretched out my shaky hand and opened the door. Harry had yet to look up at me but when he did I could feel my heart shatter. 

The white shirt he was wearing had blood stains on it, I could tell his cheekbone was starting to swell up, the cut on his lip and under his eye had dried blood but were untreated.

"Harry what happened love?" I asked and the only reply I got was a sob escaping his lips. 

That sound alone was soul crushing, I never wanted to hear that again. I never wanted to see him hurt ever again. I don't think I could handle it 

"Come in" I said as I reached out for his arm and he just flinched away from me. 

He was so hurt 

"Sorry" his voice cracking as he tried to hold in his soft whimpers.  
"It's okay you don't have to say sorry, but could you come in so I can help clean up your cuts?"  
He just nodded as he stepped into my house, despite being hurt and probably in agony he was still polite he took his shoes off by the door. 

It just pained me even more.

"Let's go into the kitchen, yeah?" He just nodded once again. 

I was too scared to touch him, too scared to do anything, I just wanted him to feel better. It's all i wanted. 

"Harry sit down and I'll just get some ice and something to clean you up" I said looking at him and I'm sure he could see the pain in my eyes. But I couldn't cry because I needed to be strong for him. 

So I got a freezer bag, filled it with ice and then wrapped a towel around it before handing it to Harry. He took it and scrunched his face in pain as he pressed the ice onto his cheekbone and eye. 

I took the opportunity to go and get a wash cloth and dampen it with warm water. 

"Can I?" I asked showing him the wash cloth and he just nodded. 

I slowly took the washcloth to his lip trying to be as gentle as possible. I slowly moved on to the cut under his eye wiping away the dried up blood. The cuts were deep but not deep enough to need stitches.

It pained me seeing him like this and as soon as I got my hands on whoever had done this they'd be dead. 

"Harry who- who did this to you?" I asked softly and he just burst out in tears not saying a word  
"Okay baby, it's okay, I'm here now and we don't have to talk about it right now" I said and he just nodded 

How could anyone lay a hand on this precious boy?

"Have you had dinner yet?"   
"No" he said while trying to wipe away the tears that were running down his cheeks.   
"When was the last time you had food?"  
"On the plane on our way back from Tokyo" he said not meeting my eyes.  
"Harry that's 2 days ago" I said shocked   
"Don't be mad I promise I drank water and i had other small snacks" he said almost frightened that I'd get mad  
"I'm not angry baby, I'm just worried about you that's all, I could never be angry" I said and he just nodded 

"How about I run you a nice warm bath for you and then I'll make some dinner" I suggested and he just nodded. 

I hated seeing Harry like this, he's one of the most talkative people I know, seeing him so broken down to the point where he can barely form a sentence. 

He slowly trailed after me as I lead him to the bathroom and started to run a bath for him. I put some lavender oils I had, hoping he wouldn't mind. He stood by the doorway his arms wrapped around his body, looking so fragile. 

I showed him where all the shampoo and such was, then told him I'd leave some clothes out for him on my bed. 

I knew who had done this to him and i would most definitely kill him if I laid my eyes on him. But right now I had to take care of my boy.

I wasn't the best of cooks nor did I know how to cook anything vegetarian. I wasn't even sure I had anything suitable for a vegetarian. Maybe I could pop down to the restaurant across the road and get some food. 

But i didn't want to leave him all alone, I quickly called Niall who lived not too far from me to go and get food and discreetly deliver it. In the meantime I started making a mess of the kitchen making it look like I had actually cooked.

I just wanted Harry to think that I cooked for him, i just wanted him to be proud of me. 

It was a race against time but Niall finally arrived with the food and I thanked him before telling him to turn right back around. As I just finished plating up the food Harry entered the kitchen. 

"Smells good" Harry said   
He was wearing one of my oversized hoodies, it fit him perfectly since he was much bigger than me and a pair of my sweatpants that were a bit too short around the ankles but he didn't seem to mind.

"You have a nice shower?"   
"Yea, thank you for that" he said   
"No need to thank me" 

We sat down at the dining table in silence and we slowly eating our food. There was a lot of tension in the air and I think both of us were too scared to say anything. 

"He's never hit me before" Harry said not looking of from his plate.   
I could feel my fists clench and my jaw tighten, I was going to kill that man. I took a deep breath unclenching my fists and jaw, trying to calm down for Harry. 

"Victor did this?"   
"Yeah" he said and I could see the tears well up in his eyes. "I was just so tired and I wanted to sleep, I hadn't eaten for days and I just wanted to sleep" he said while sobbing   
"H-Harry did he do anything else?" I asked too scared to hear the answer   
"No no he just got so angry and he snapped taking all his anger out on me. Then when he was done hitting me he just left, like it was nothing" he said as he continued to cry into his food   
"Can I give you a hug?"   
He was quick to shake his head no and I respected that and I just nodded. 

"He always gets jealous when ever I'd hang out with you or any of the other boys. But it sounds worse than it actually was, he is nice or was. I don't know anymore. He never was bad to me, yknow. But he'd always want to have sex- I'm sorry you don't want to hear about this"  
"No I do Harry" I reassured him

"Okay, he never seemed to get tired and whenever I was tired he'd just find a way to make me feel guilty or whenever he'd do the smallest thing for me he expected sex in return. Like when he came to Tokyo, I never asked him to, I didn't want him to come. But then he was like I came here for you is a hug all I'm gonna get? And I felt like I had no choice. And I know what you're gonna say, I know it's messed up and I know I should of left sooner. But I just couldn't for some reason and I kinda justified it with we're both getting off so what's the problem. I think a part of me was just scared to leave him because he made me feel like no one else would want me" he said while looking at me and the tears ran down his cheeks. "I also think I loved how being with him hurt"

"I understand, I do maybe not in the same exact way. But I understand loving something despite how much it hurts you" I said as I ran my hand up and down my forearm and across the faded scars. "Sometimes the pain feels good" I added 

"You don't think I'm dumb or something for staying around as long as I did?"

"Harry I'm not one to judge here, do I wish you would of left sooner? Yes. But I understand how difficult it can be. What he did to you is not okay nor will it ever be okay. Coercing someone into having sex with you counts as rape and I know you said since you both got off. I don't know how you view all and it's been a rough night, but how he treated you and the stuff he did Haz that's not okay"   
" I know it's not okay and I know had it been someone else I would be so angry. But I think he broke me down to the point where I thought it was normal" he said   
"can we not talk about this, I'm tired" he said as the tears continued to run down his cheeks. "Could I stay the night"

"Yea of course and just leave the plates here I'll take care of them later" I said as I stood up from the table. 

Harry slowly followed me out to hallway where I could hear paws clashing against the hardwood floor and getting closer to me and Harry. When the boys saw Harry they were exited, they were always when meeting someone new. They practically jumped on Harry. 

"No bad boys" I said as I tried to pry them off of Harry   
"No it's okay" Harry said as he pet them, it was the first time tonight I had seen him smile tonight   
"This is Bruce and this is Clifford"   
"Hi boys, you're both so big. Can they sleep with us tonight?" Harry asked 

I was somewhat confused because I was thinking Harry would sleep by himself in my bedroom and I'd just take the guest bedroom or sleep down on the sofa. 

"Can they?"  
"Yea sure" 

All three of them trailed behind me as I lead Harry to my room. Clifford and Bruce were quick to jump up on my bed and Harry soon followed. 

"I'm gonna stay in the guest bedroom tonight, it's just down the hall so if you need anything I'll be there"   
"You're not gonna stay with me?" He asked with a frown on his face   
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything"  
"You're not, you make me feel safe"   
"I do?"  
"Yea you always have"  
"Is that why you chose to come here?"   
"Yea, I'm sorry if it was a bad idea"  
"No no of course it wasn't, I'm glad you trust me enough to come here"   
He just gave me a small smile as he continued to pet Bruce and Clifford. 

"I could sleep on the floor you know, it's not too bad and then I'll be in the same room but you have your space" I said as awkwardly stood at the door way   
"Lou please" 

I didn't say anything else but just nodded and got into the bed with him. Carefully trying not to touch him or get too close. 

"Do you want the lights on or off?"   
"Can your closet lights be on but the big lights off?" He asked   
"Of course"

I quickly got up fixing it all and asking him if it was okay and he just nodded. 

"Lou"  
"Yeah?"  
"I saw the scars" he said softly   
"We can talk about this another night, tonight has been a lot for you"  
"Is that what you meant when you said that sometimes pain feels good?"  
"Yeh"  
"Why did you do it?"   
"I don't think we should talk about this tonight"  
"Was it something I contributed to?"  
"Somewhat, in someways"  
"I'm sorry Lou"  
"Don't be I came out the other side stronger"  
"What made you stop?"  
"Not tonight Harry"   
"Okay" he said cuddling close to Clifford that was by his side and Bruce laid across his legs. 

"How about you get some sleep it's been a long day for you"  
"Okay" he said as he closed his eyes   
"Lou"  
"Yes Harry?”  
"Can you call me love? Like you did when I first got here?" "It'll help" he added before I had the chance to speak   
"What do you want me to say?"  
"Anything"  
"Okay Love, it's all gonna be okay, you got that love? You're gonna be okay, I'm gonna be okay. We'll both be okay and it may take some time, but it's gonna be alright love. Now get some sleep baby"   
"Thank you, goodnight Lou"  
"Good night Love"  
\- - - - -  
10:23 am   
When I woke up I was alone in my bed and I let out a small sigh. I was assuming Harry had gone home or even worse back to victor. 

I understood that it wasn't easy to just get up and leave a toxic relationship, a lot of people despite how bad it is they go running back. 

After I had got up, went to the bathroom and got ready for the day. I walked downstairs to where I could smell pancakes, Harry was still here? 

I walked into the kitchen to see Harry still in my clothes standing over the stove making pancakes, while Bruce and Clifford were out in the garden playing. 

If this was what life with Harry looked like then I wanted it, I wanted it so bad. 

The swelling around his eye seemed to be settling and turning into a purple/blue color and same with the cut and bruise around his lip. 

"Good morning" he said as he looked up at me  
"Good morning, how are you feeling?"  
"My body and face is sore, confused"   
"Confused?"  
"I just never thought it would get that far or bad. I never thought he was capable of doing anything like that"  
"You've seen his true colors now"  
"He won't stop calling"  
"You could go to the police,I could come with you if you'd like?"  
"I don't want that"   
"Do you want to go back to him?"  
"No no never, I don't think I could ever forgive him"  
"Okay, so what do you want to do?"  
"Eat pancakes?" He suggested and I just nodded.

I was about to walk towards the dining table when Harry grabbed my wrist. I turned to him confused and he took both my wrists in his hands. 

He lifted my left wrist up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on my faded scars.   
"You are strong" he said and he looked up at me.  
The small soft gesture brought tears to my eyes and made me heart swell. He took my other wrist to his lips and placed a soft kiss on my scars.   
"You are brave" he said 

By now the tears were running down my cheeks all he did was wipe my tears away and tell me to go sit down. 

"Could I stay here for a couple of days?" Harry asked softly as he sat down next to me putting down our breakfast   
"Of course, you don't even have to ask and you didn't have to do this" I said referring to the breakfast   
"I wanted to, it kept my mind off of stuff" he said 

"Okay, are you sure you're okay?"  
"It's just a lot you know and I don't even know how to process it, but can we talk about it another day? I just don't want to think about it" 

"Okay, we could take the dogs out for a walk maybe, there's this park just right around the corner, no ones ever there, you could get some fresh air I'm sure that'd be good for you. Then we could go grocery shopping if you'd like since I literally have nothing at home and then we could get some of your clothes, you probably don't want to be wearing my clothes that are too small on you and then we could maybe cook together, have a movie marathon, invite the other guys if you want, what ever makes you comfortable" I rambled 

"Thank you Lou"  
"Why you saying thank you?"  
"For not making me talk about it and for letting me stay here and for being you"  
"Honestly Harry there's nothing to thank me for, I just want you to be safe and happy" I said truthfully   
"Still thank you" he said with a small smile and I couldn't help but smile too. 

I knew we'd talk about it eventually but today, today we'd just forget.   
\-   
After going out with dogs and going grocery shopping it was time to get Harry's clothes and he had insisted of following me. 

I was mostly scared of victor being there and Harry falling for his lies and leaving with him. I could see Harry was scared too and it pained me. 

But I wouldn't let anything happen him, I'd rather be beat black and blue then anyone ever laying a single finger on him ever again. 

Once we had arrived at Harry's house, there was no one in sight, but there was a rather lager basket sitting at the top of the stairs in front of Harry's door. 

"Can you throw it out?" He asked looking at me with tears in his eye.   
"Of course" I said. 

Harry then disappeared into his house, leaving me on his door step with a basket, that had flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear and a couple of fluffy socks. This is what he does? After beating Harry up all he tries to apologize with an gift basket. I was more than disgusted, there was a letter accompanying the flowers. Should I read it?

I decided against it since it would be a huge violation of Harry's privacy, so I did the right thing by throwing it all in the green bin upfront. 

After disposing of the trash I went into Harry's house looking around until I found a bedroom with a suitcase on the bed, assuming it was Harry's. I slowly walked over to the closet where I found Harry standing topless looking at himself in the mirror, bruises all over his back and stomach. 

I didn’t know it was this bad. 

“Harry” I said my voice braking   
“How could he do this?” He asked and I now noticed the tears wetting his cheeks   
“I don’t know baby, I don’t know” I said stepping closer to him   
“I hate myself for letting him”  
“It’s not your fault, you got that? It’s not your fault you did nothing wrong and nothing you could ever do would warrant anything like this”  
“I just didn’t want to have sex, I was just so tired”   
“Harry it’s not your fault you’re allowed to not want to have sex, you’re allowed to say no”   
“I know I just want these bruises gone” he said as he started scrub the bruises on his arms as if that would get them off.  
“Harry baby, that will just make them worse ok? I know they’re big dark and scary right now. But they’ll heal and when they do they’ll no longer be there” I said In hopes of reassuring him that they heal and so will he   
“I can still feel his hands on me”   
“How about I continue packing your clothes, you can sit down and just relax for a bit, okay? 

He just nodded as he walked over to his bed laying down next to the suitcase curling up into a ball. 

“Anything specific you want me to pack?”   
“Comfy clothes” he said 

After packing up his stuff, showing him everything I packed and getting a nod of approval each time. 

On the drive home it was quiet, only thing that could be heard was the rain hitting against the roof and windows. It was comfortable and peaceful. 

“Could we build a fort?” Harry asked shyly and I couldn’t help but laugh a bit   
“Of course we can and then we can finish the toy story marathon we started” I said and he just nodded eagerly 

“Maybe we could order what ever we had last night, it was really good”   
“What?” I asked shocked at how he knew   
“I saw the rubbish in the bin and not to be mean you’re not that good of a cook” Harry said while laughing a bit and I couldn’t help laugh along with him. 

So that’s what we did for the rest of the day we built a fort, watched toy story, ordered take away and ate snacks. No mentions of what happened to him or my scars. Me still being cautious of touching him or saying the wrong thing. 

We ended up falling a sleep in the fort with Clifford and Bruce between us and toy story 4 still playing on the tv.


	16. Chapter sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning ⚠️   
> Talks of self harm and attempted suicide.   
> If any of these tigger you then I wouldn’t read the whole chapter because all of it pretty much talks about it.

Harry' Pov~  
30th April 2020 - 11:34 pm - 📍London 

I had been staying with Louis for the past couple of days and it had been okay. I felt safe in his home and when ever he'd be next to me. 

My bruises and cuts were healing pretty well but my body was still sore. Louis would not let me do anything, from cooking to even cleaning up after myself. It was a bit frustrating but he was doing it from the kindness of his heart and not wanting me to get hurt. 

There was this weird tension between me and Louis, both tiptoeing around one another to afraid to say or do anything that might upset the other. I was slowly getting restless and I wanted answers, but I was too scared I'd be insensitive. 

We were currently sat on the sofa with the dogs laying in between us watching some baking show, Louis seemed to be quite into the show. 

"Why you staring? Stop it" he said not looking away from the tv   
"Sorry" I said blushing over the fact that I had been caught.  
"Is everything alright?"  
"You never told me why you stopped" I said before I even registered what I was saying   
"Stopped what?" He asked confused   
"Stopped self harming" I said too scared to look at him.   
He just let out a sigh not really saying anything.

"Then you have to hear the full story" he said and I just nodded   
"Only if you're ready"  
"Yea I am"  
"Okay, just tell me if you want to stop okay?" And he just nodded. 

"So after we broke up, things for we were really rough, I kinda lost myself, I didn't feel like I was worth anything, I felt like I was the least useful in the band? That no one really wanted me there and I didn't contribute to much and if I wasn't good enough for you then I definitely wasn't good enough for the band"  
"Lou"  
"Don't, just listen okay?" He said and I just nodded not saying anything else

"I started drinking in a way to cope and that went on for a while then it just wasn't enough and it was affecting my public image and management didn't like that so I had to find another way to cope. And I felt like everything was spiraling out of control and I didn't know what to do. So cutting sort of became a way to control my anger and hurt I think? And at first it did hurt but it felt too good to stop because I could control when and how much pain. I don't even know if that makes sense?"   
"It does, it gave you a way to control your pain"  
"Yea and then it went on for a while and I'd have these really dark nights where I would just want to end the suffering once for all, but I guess I was just too much of a pussy do it" he said chuckling a bit almost finding it amusing 

"Then it just became a routine? Every night I'd get in the shower and I'd do it and watch the blood go down the drain then I'd go to bed. If I didn't do it I got a strong urge to do it and I would panic if I couldn't, I really had to do it. I'd wear long sleeved shirts at all times no matter how hot or cold it was, i was pretty good at covering up. Until one day I was with Niall and we were having a great time together and I guess I just forgot and rolled my sleeves up and he saw the fresh cuts and he did leave my side for the next month, he'd even follow me into bathroom while showering, but I promised Niall I'd stop and I really did try" he said laughing a bit at the memory.   
"But I still had the urges and wanted to continue and when he stopped following me into the bathroom I'd start cutting on my thighs and this time it's much deeper and bigger cuts. This time Niall didn't find out which was nice I guess. But this time around it wasn't really helping and It felt like I was slowly drowning and there was nothing I could do about it. Like you’re under water and your eyes are open and you can see the sun shining down on the surface of the water and you’re so close but you’re being pulled down and there’s nothing you can do about it. And your lungs are burning because of the lack of air in them and you can’t breathe and you can feel yourself sinking further down and slipping away from the light” he said describing how he felt 

I noticed the tears falling down my cheeks as the hit my hand and I tried to wipe them away, but the tears wouldn't stop falling.

“I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I was at the point where I was ready to give up. So one night, it just got too much and I think as much as I wanted to go a part of me wanted to be saved and I think maybe that's why I texted my final goodbyes to Niall somewhat hoping he'd save me. And I now realize it was too much to put on him and it was not fair of me at all" 

He was also crying now, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"So that night I wrote a letter or multiple, one to you, one to my sisters, to the other boys and I downed a bottle of sleeping pills, drank about half a bottle of vodka before I passed out I guess. I woke up in the hospital the day after and they had pumped my stomach. Apparently Niall had found me and called the ambulance, he felt so guilty like it was his fault some how but it wasn't and I was just the ass who put all my problems on him and I think he felt like he was personally responsible for my well being which he wasn't. But after my attempt I was held in hospital for about two weeks, then Niall made me start seeing a therapist and he made me practically move in with him. And it was nice and he was so kind and every time I had a bad night he'd hold me till I fell asleep and he'd make me eat healthy, even occasionally work out and made me take care of my body. He'd drive me to and from my appointment, he was a godsend. It wasn't all smooth sailing though, there were nights where I'd have such a strong urges to cut and I did relapse two or three times and Niall was always there to tell me it was okay and I could start over tomorrow. So I'm forever grateful for him. Soon I started writing music again, recording, writing for other artists and it got better and now here we are" 

"I'm so sorry Lou" was then only words that left my mouth in between sobs. 

The though of him not being here, made my head sink and I couldn't bare it. 

"Don't cry love, I'm still here" he said as he wiped away my tears   
"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel unwanted or not enough or not loved. I'm so so sorry and thinking that I contributed to you wanting to take your own life, that just breaks my heart. I never want you gone, I couldn't live with out you baby, please know that, you're so important and worthy" I said as I continued to sob as his hands were soft placed on my cheeks drenched in my tears. 

"I know that now, and I'm still here and I'm alive. I'm doing well Harry, I haven't self harmed in over 8 months now" he said looking at my trying to calm me down   
"I'm sorry, you try to tell your story and I just make a mess out of it" I said feeling guilty for crying   
"No no you're not doing anything wrong, it's okay to cry" he said 

"Can I hug you?" He softly asked 

I didn't answer I just got on to his lap and hugged him tightly whispering how important he was into his hair and placing soft kisses in his hair. 

"Thank you" he whispered into my chest hugging me close to him. 

"We're gonna be okay, right?" I asked   
"Of course we are baby"   
"Can you show me your scars?"  
"Why? They're not pretty"  
"Everything about you is pretty even your scars and I just want to kiss them better"   
"I'm not sure that's a good idea" he said as I got off his lap and sat down on the floor in front of him   
"I'm not gonna suck your dick or anything" i joked trying to make him feel better   
"I don't want you seeing them"  
"Lou to me your perfect, scars or no scars. If you truly don't feel comfortable that's okay" I reassured him   
"Okay" he said hooking his thumb into the waistband of his sweats as he slowly began to pull them downs

He lifted his butt off of the couch and I helped him pull his sweats down to his ankles. I looked up at him but he had his head turned to the side with his eyes shirt. 

I looked down to his thighs where the cuts were highly visible on his thighs not like the ones on his arms. I lightly traced my fingers over them causing Louis to get goosebumps. 

I leaned down placing soft kisses all over his left thigh while whispering how perfect he was to me in between each kiss. 

"So perfect Lou" I said as I moved on to his right thigh and my hands softly stroked the outside of both his thighs. 

"This looks so wrong, you know" I heard Louis say from above me while laughing a bit and I couldn't help but laugh too. 

“I’m glad that you’re still here with me” I said placing a final kiss on his thigh and began to pull up his pants. 

I sat down next to him not saying anything just taking in his beauty.

“I get it, you know going back to something that constantly hurts you, and I’m not comparing the two at all it’s not even close, but going back to Victor was my way of managing the pain? I knew it was bad but I still couldn’t help but go back” I admitted to him 

“How do you feel about it this time? You’ve got me and all the boys are here for you and maybe you could start seeing a therapist, just someone to talk to” he suggested   
“I don’t want to go back to him, I can’t go through that again. For so long he made me feel like the only thing I’m good for is sex and I’m scared that’s all I’ll ever be good enough for” I said trying my best to not start crying again   
“Don’t say that, you’re worth of so much love, respect, kindness, happiness and so much more. Don’t forget that okay? You’re so worthy of everything”  
“No am not, I hurt you so bad so maybe this is what I deserve” I said letting all my thoughts and feelings out.  
“Don’t you dare ever say that, you nor anyone else on this planet earth deserves anything like that no matter what. Yea you hurt me but you don’t deserve this and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Harry you don’t deserve to hurt just because you hurt me” he said tucking my hair behind me ear 

“I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you” I said as I continued to cry.   
“Harry baby no more crying, I’m good, you’re good we’re here together and we’re both good. It’s gonna work out I promise, I’ll never let him or anyone else hurt you ever again”   
“Thank you” I said moving closer to him and hugging him   
“No need to thank me baby, now wipe them tears and get dressed, let’s go out on a walk I think it’ll do us some good” he suggested 

“Thank you” I said hugging him tighter   
“For what?” He asked and I could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn’t help but sob into his chest. 

“For helping me, for being kind, for trusting me and for being you. But also for not giving up. Thank you Lou, thank you for staying and for fighting”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter but it didn’t feel right to add anything else because of the subjects mentioned in the chapter.   
> Leave your thoughts


	17. Chapter seventeen

Louis' pov~   
1st May 2020 - 12:32 pm - 📍London 

It's been two days since me and Harry had talked about my self harm and suicide attempt. It was like we were both walking on egg shells, he was too afraid to say anything to upset me and vise versa. 

He was however more open about Victor and their relationship, when ever I'd do the smallest thing for Harry he always seemed afraid that I'd ask for something in return, even if it was just making him tea in the morning. He would even flinch when every i was going to touch him or walk past him. 

We hadn't shared a bed for the past couple of days, he'd sleep in my bed with the dogs and I'd sleep on the couch. I didn't really mind because I loved sleeping on the couch. 

But things between me and Harry were so awkward mainly because we were being cautious around each other and that for some reason caused an awkward tension. 

His bruises on his face were slowly fading, he was a bit green and purple around his eye, the cuts were still visible but it looked to be healing well. I obviously couldn't see the ones on his body but I was assuming they were healing too. But it was the bruises on the inside I was mostly worried about. 

Despite things being weird we'd still call each other pet names and it was all just too confusing to me.

"Can we invite the boys over tonight? I miss them and we could even cook for them and bake something for dessert, then watch movies or just chill?" Harry asked me looking at me with his big green eyes sparkling with a glint of hope   
"Yea of course, how about they come over at like 6, sound good?"   
"Yeah that's great" Harry said getting out his phone to text the boys. 

"Lou?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You would tell me if me being here got too much, I could always stay with one of the other boys" he said playing with his fingers   
"I want you here, I enjoy having you here. But If you want to stay with any of the other boys there's not a lot I can do or say"   
"Are you sure you want me here?"  
"Of course Harry"  
"It just things have been weird and you can't deny it, I'm just scared that maybe I said the wrong thing? Or did something to upset you"  
"No no it's nothing like that I was scared that I had overstepped or did or said the wrong thing. And I'm scared of what I'm allowed to say or do, you know I just don't want to upset you" I admitted to him   
"No you haven't overstepped or anything like that, I promise and I will tell you if something you say or do upsets me and I hope you'd do the same?"  
"Yea of course I would" I said reassuring him.

"Hug me" he said looking down at his lap shyly 

I couldn't help but smile as I scooted closer to him and took him in my arms. I could feel him smile into my chest and got on my lap to straddle me. He had his arms around my neck and held me tightly as I softly ran my fingers up and down his spine. 

"Can we take a nap?" he asked laying his head down on my shoulder   
"It's only 12" I said laughing   
"The perfect time for a nap, just like an hour then we'll get up grocery shop and then bake and cook dinner together" he said   
"Fine do you wanna go upstairs or sleep down here" "here" he said getting off of me and laying down on the couch. 

There was enough space for me to lay down next to him but I was unsure if he wanted me to.   
"Are you just gonna stare at me or?" He asked a bit confused   
"I didn't know if you wanted me to"   
"Of course I do come here and bring the blankets" he said with a cute smile. 

I just nodded taking the blankets and covering us as I laid down next to him. He had a smile on his face and he just wrapped his arm around me pulling me closer to him and wrapped his leg around me.

I tried my best not pressing my body against his, specially my crotch, I was terrified of accidentally getting hard against his thigh or waking up with a hard on. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asked pulling me to him me so I was practically on top of him "you're not hurting me, I like the weight it makes me feel safe" he said wrapping his arms around me   
"Okay"

Hurting him was one of my concerns but right now it wasn't the biggest. 

"And I know you like being on top" he whispered into my ear sending shivers down my spine and blood rushing straight to my crouch   
"Harry" I groaned trying to calm myself down   
"I was just joking, now sleep" 

It was silent for a minute and I knew I was building up the courage to say what I’ve been wanting to say for the past couple of days.

"You know before Victor came to Tokyo, we're talking about maybe trying again" I said into his chest   
"Yea I'm sorry how it all went down" he said with a sigh   
"Don't say sorry baby, maybe not now obviously but when you feel ready we could try again or just take baby steps and see where things go" I said into his chest while placing soft kisses there.  
"Yes Lou of course id want that" he said while kissing the top of my head. "Thank you"  
"Why you saying thank you?"   
"For not giving up on me, for taking care of me and giving me time and space and being you and being perfect" he said while placing a bunch of kisses on the top of my head  
"I'm not perfect, far from it"   
"To me you are"

"Okay go to bed now" I said while blushing and hiding my face in his chest.   
He just let out a small giggle before the room went quiet assuming he'd go to bed or try at least 

\- - -   
"Louis, it's time to get up, the boys will literally be here in like 3 hours and we have to go grocery shopping and cook and bake" I heard Harry say as he slowly shook me awake   
"Just one more minute" I said burying my face into his chest   
"How about I go food shopping by myself so you can sleep for a bit longer"  
"I don't want you going out alone"   
"I'm not a baby" he said and I could hear the eye roll in his voice   
"You're my baby" I said before I could stop myself. "Shit sorry"  
"No need to say sorry" Harry said with a smug smile   
"Stop it" I whined   
"Stop what?"   
"You're annoying" I said rolling my eyes   
"No I'm your baby" he said as he began to tickle me 

"No Harry" I started yelling and he began to tickle my sides   
"Will you get up?"   
"Y-yes just stop" I managed to say between laughs 

Finally Harry let me go and I stood up from the couch with a pout and crossing my arms. 

"Go and get dressed" Harry said lightly shoving me 

I just huffed before leaving Harry in the living room to go and get dressed. When we got back I was still pouting and pretending to be angry at Harry and he'd just tease me or tickle me. 

He gave me a long list of everything I needed to get while he waited in the car expressing how important it was that I got oat milk and not almond milk, and baking flour not normal flour. 

After walking around in the store for at least 25 minutes I went back to the car where Harry's knees were up to his chest with his chin resting on his knees. He was staring straight a head in some sort of fog. 

"Harry?" I said after getting in the car and it was then he snapped out of it   
"What?" He asked with glossy eyes   
"What's wrong?" I asked scared 

"There were just these fans and they were really nice but they pointed out the bruises and cuts. I took pictures with them and they're gonna be posted and everyone is gonna know and they're gonna think I'm weak or they'll just make up a bunch of lies and what will the boys think when they come over? Niall will be so angry" Harry said as he began to panic 

"Harry babe take some deep breaths for me okay?" "No one will think you're weak, you're incredibly strong to of gotten yourself out of that situation, you know it, I know it. So who cares what other people say, and Niall and the boys won't be angry or anything they'll just be worried because they care about you and love you, so do your fans" I reassured him 

"Are you sure?"  
"Positive and if you don't want the boys to say anything or ask I'll make sure that happens or if you don't want the boys to come over I'll tell them not to, what ever you're comfortable with"  
"No no I want them to come over just not to ask about it"   
"Okay I'll make sure they don't and if they do I'll cut their dicks off" I said trying to make him laugh   
"No you're not looking at their dicks" he said a bit too quick. 

As soon as he registered what he had said he turned a bright red color and looked away from me. 

"Ooh is little Harry a bit jealous about the thought of me looking at someone else?" I asked while laughing at him   
"Shut up and drive now we still have to cook and clean?"  
"Clean? My house is clean" I protested   
"Sure babe"  
"You're just a big bully today aren't you" I said and he just giggled 

I let out a sigh of relief when I heard his giggle, I wasn't even aware I was holding my breath but hearing him laugh just made it all better. 

When we got back to the house Harry went straight into chef mode and started prepping all the ingredients. 

"Where do you want me chef? I could just stand here and look pretty"  
"I think you're lacking in the pretty department" he said with a smug smile   
"Oh someones being a real big bully today"   
"I'm joking, you're gorgeous. But I do need the help why don't you prepare the salad? It's just some lettuce, cherry tomatoes and some feta cheese" he said   
"I don't like feta"  
"It's not like you're gonna eat the salad" Harry said while rolling his eyes, he knew me too well.  
"Yea but still" I said as I began to wash my hands 

"What we even making?" I asked as I took out a bowl for the salad  
"We're making curry and rice"  
"But vegetarian?"  
"Yes stop being a idiot and cut the vegetables" he said while rolling his eyes. 

I just nodded as I began on the salad, I was enjoying it, just watching Harry working his magic. Hand on his hip and he read over the recipe and making sure he pre measured everything. I could just imagine a life like this, a simple one. Just me and him living together, maybe having children running around or helping us. Not having to hide, loving each other loudly and proudly. 

Maybe we could have that one day, a simple life together. 

"Why you staring at me?"  
"Am not"   
"Yes you are, tell me what's going on in that pretty little head"  
"It's nothing really, I just- I just like this, being here with you and we don't even have to talk but we're still comfortable, just doing our own thing and it just feels..." I trailed off 

I was too scared to say like home or right, because I knew it would be too much too soon. But it was how I felt, it was how I felt about us. All of a sudden all that mattered was just me and him, here and now. Everything I did always lead me back to Harry, a big part of it could be that we work in the same industry and are in the same band. 

I saw past all the hurt he had caused me, I think we had been through too much together to just not try again. We were kid when we fell in love, there was a point in time where he was my best friend and as soon as anything happened good or bad I'd want share it with him, I wanted him to be beside me every step of the way. I want to be 80 years old telling my grandchildren about the curly haired boy I fell in love with and how despite everything life threw at us, we made it out on the other side hand in hand and ten times stronger.

"It just feels like what?" He asked pulling me out of my trance   
"Erm....nothing, I don't know I just like this" I said as I continued cutting the tomatoes   
"Me too" he said 

Before we could settle back into a peaceful silence Harry yelled "what the hell are you doing?"  
"What?" I asked startled and almost dropping the knife   
"You're doing it all wrong"  
"Harry you can't yell at me whole I'm slicing stuff I could of dropped it on my foot, also there's no wrong way" I argued back   
"Yes there is and you're doing it" he snapped 

I knew he didn't mean to be snappy and harsh, but I also knew how stressed he was about this dinner. He was overthinking about what the boys would say and afraid of Nialls 'I told you to leave him', afraid to seem weak. But he wasn't weak and I know the boys wouldn't think it either, they'd see how strong he was.

"How about..." Harry trailed off as he walked around the island and pulled out one of the stools and placed it right across from his little working station he had set up.

He then continued to take the knife out of my hand and lead me over to the stool telling me to sit down and wait as he ran off into the house. He then returned a minute or so later with my guitar in his hands. 

"How about you...you know sit here, look pretty and play me a song" he said handing me the guitar   
"Am I that useless?" I joked   
"No no I just....I just want this to be perfect and I want to do it, sorry for snapping at you"   
"It's okay, I'll sit here and look all pretty for you" I said giving him a big smile causing him to also smile.   
"Thank you" he said before walking over to where he was cooking. 

"Now play me a song" he demanded as he went back to cooking.   
"Any requests?"   
"A song you wrote about me" he said with a smug smile   
"You'll get that when you play me medicine"  
"So you just admitted that there are songs about me" he said with a huge grin on his face but that's quickly dropped and was replaced with a look of worry "do I want to hear them?" He asked adverting his gaze from me. 

"I think your enjoy them but they're for another time"  
"So they're not like 'death to Harry styles' type of songs?" 

I couldn't help but laugh at his suggestion and he just looked at me with a pout. 

"What? Don't laugh, you did hate me and you did have every right to"   
"I never hated you, I think I hated myself more for not being able to hate you" 

\- - - - -   
Harry' pov~ 

Before I even had the chance to say anything about what he had said he moved on saying he'd sing a song called Defenceless. 

"This song means a lot to me, it kinda about me sort of being vulnerable and saying hey this is me and I don't care and just letting my guard down, so it really personal" he shyly said 

"I can't wait to hear it"

He takes a couple deep breaths before he starts to strum the guitar and a soft melody starts to play. I knew I liked it already. 

"I come runnin' to you like a moth into a flame  
You tell me, "Take it easy," but it's easier to say  
Wish I didn't need so much of you  
I hate to say, but I do"

After he sang the first couple of words I couldn't help but wonder if it had something to do, considering what he said before singing. He hated himself for not hating me. 

"We're sleepin' on our problems like we'll solve them in our dreams  
We wake up early morning and they're still under the sheets  
I'm lost in my head, I'm spinnin' again  
Tryna find what to say to you"

One thing we'd always do is go to bed while fighting or annoyed with each other and hoping that when we woke up exerting would be okay, that we'd be okay. It never was.

"Been up all night  
All night runnin' all my lines  
But it's only the truth  
Been up all night  
Not sure how to say this right  
Got so much to lose

Never been so defenceless (Oh)  
Never been so defenceless (Ooh)  
You just keep on buildin' up your fences (Oh)  
But I've never been so defenceless (Ooh)

(Ooh, ooh, ooh)  
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)  
You just keep on buildin' up your fences (Ooh, ooh, ooh)  
But I've never been so defenceless (Ooh, ooh, ooh)"

His voice while singing was absolutely, I could listen to it for days on end and not get tired. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes threatening to spill over the edge. The song was absolutely beautiful, I had known how hard it was for Louis to come to terms with who he was and who he liked. Seeing him sing brought a smile to my face, I knew how insecure he could be about his voice and singing. But he sounded like an angel, my beautiful angel. 

"No, you don't have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know I know you do. And I can't get inside when you're lost in your pride  
But you don't have a thing to prove"

I didn't know why but that part hit me hard, it reminded me of my jealousy and how I was so stubborn at times and how I pretended the stunts and the constant girlfriend didn't affect me. In a sense I was trying to be tougher for Louis because I knew he had given up everything for me, so I didn't want to show him how much I hated being labeled a womanizer and having a different girl every two days. 

"I hope that I'm not asking too much  
Just wanna be loved by you   
And I'm too tired to be tough  
Just wanna be loved by you"

At this point I was full on crying, because I knew how exhausted the stunts made him and I knew how much he hated it and how he wanted to be himself and how he wanted to be free. It wasn't too much to ask. 

After he finished the song he looked up at me and his face fell when he saw my tears.

"What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, just the onions" I lied  
"Harry you're not even chopping onions"   
"Shut up, it was just a beautiful song, I understand why it means so much to you"  
"No need to cry love"   
"I'm not it's the onions" I lied again and he laughed 

"I know how hard it was for you Lou and I'm sure I didn't make things easier for you and I was a jealous piece of shit at times and I was too stubborn to say sorry, so I'm saying it now, sorry for everything" 

"No need to say sorry, I think I was really stubborn too, I never realized how hard it was for you too and I was selfish at times and I'd take out my anger on you when you didn't deserve it, so I'm sorry" he said also apologizing   
"No need to say sorry" 

“Was it about me?”   
“Partially, kinda about our relationship and how I was ready to be open” he said and I just nodded not commenting any further

We both got silent me continuing to cook and Louis playing a couple different songs on guitar, humming at times and at times singing songs I hadn't heard or singing some of his favorite songs where I'd hum along.

It was nice this, we didn't need to talk we were both doing our separate things and yet we were in harmony. So in tuned with one another. It was a silence we craved, yet it was so loud, we were both contempt here and happy. 

I would occasionally go over to him make him tase the food and he'd just groan in approval. I could see how his big sparky blue eyes would watch as I walked around the kitchen. I knew I was under his gaze and I liked it, I couldn't help but blush trying my best so he wouldn't notice. 

I could stay like this in this kitchen forever. I liked it, it filled me with a warm feeling in my tummy, making me nervous and shy about every word leaving my mouth. Because of our extensive history it was easy to fall back into this routine, this feeling and sense of being at home at peace. 

Maybe it would also be easy falling back in love. 

But I couldn't talk about love it was way too soon, but I knew the familiar warm feeling in my body, blushing at everything and anything he says, feeling safe and secure. It almost felt as if I was 16 again. 

But I knew that we'd take it slow when we do decide to start again, I was terrified, terrified of losing him again or hurting him. Terrified of him realizing that he can't move on from the past, terrified of being hurt. Terrified of being in love and falling in love. 

"What you thinking about?" Louis asked as he strummed his guitar   
"Nothing" I said knowing that I was blushing   
"Your blushing"  
"No I am not"  
"Are you gonna blame the vegetables like you did with your tears"  
"Shut up" I said and he just laughed rolling his eyes at me. 

"Ooh is it something dirty, like medicine?" He asked with a teasing smile   
"You haven't even heard it" I said while rolling my eyes at him   
"Sing it for me"   
"No" I said, I knew I'd eventually give in but not tonight 

"The cupcakes are in the oven and will be done in about 20, the curry is on low heat and will stay there until it's ready to be served, the salad is done and tomatoes cut the right way" I said as I looked around the now clean kitchen   
"There's no right way to cut tomatoes" Louis mumbled under his breath. I couldn't help but smile at his stubbornness and the way he rolled his eyes.   
I just walked over to him taking the guitar out of his hands and placing it gently on the island. 

"Yes there is, now come and cuddle me on the couch for a bit" I said taking his hand   
"Only if you admit that there's no right or wrong way to cut tomatoes"  
"Never"  
"I guess I'm gonna have to cuddle with Clifford" I said crossing my arms over my chest and pouting   
"Yea I hope he's just as cuddly as me"  
"It's okay you sit here all alone, while cliff big spoons me and gets all my snuggles and kisses"  
"You think that's gonna make me change my mind?" He asked with a grin   
"I don't know? Is it working?"   
"Not really"   
"What if I do this" I said slowly taking off my hoodie in hopes of getting him to cuddle with me if I was half naked. 

When I fully removed my hoodie I looked at Louis he had sadness in his eyes and at first I was taken aback but then I looked down at my torso filled with fading bruises. 

Shit how could I forget? 

I began to feel the panic as I tried to get my hoodie back on but Louis hands stopped me. 

“Im sorry”  
“What are you saying sorry for?” He asked almost angry   
“I don’t know, I just forgot and I didn’t want to make you sad or feel disgusted by me”   
“No no don’t you dare say that, I’m not disgusted or sad, I’m just angry that anyone could ever do something like this to you. And I’m angry at myself for not being there to protect you”  
“S’not you fault” I said too afraid to meet his eyes 

“Can I kiss them?” He asked referring to my bruises. 

I just nodded too ashamed to look him in the eyes. He gently placed pebble kisses all over the bruises and soft ran his thumb over them whispering to me how strong I was. 

But I had a hard time believing it. 

After he was done he took my hand leading me out to the couch and laying down, then gently pulling me on top of him before reaching for the blankets and covering us. 

“Is this okay?” He softly whispers into my hair and I just nodded trying my best to not cry. 

It had been so long since anyone genuinely cared for me like this, or constantly asked if I was comfortable or asked me for my consent. Even if it was just something as simple as holding me he just wanted to make me feel comfortable.

That’s how we spent the next 15 minutes before we took out the cupcakes, set the table and then frosted the cupcakes. It was just such a wholesome and domestic activity that made my heart flutter. I’d take some icing on my finger and bop his nose and he’d pretend to be angry before doing the same to me. 

And soon enough the boys arrived and Louis insisted he’d go open the door and I could hear hush voices, Louis probably warming them about the bruises and telling them to not comment. It was kind of him but it didn’t stop them from looking at me with sadness and guilt in their eyes. 

Niall was the worst because he knew how Victor was and I think he felt responsible in a way. So when he saw me the tears in his eyes were visible and he just gave me a hug, holding me firmly but gentle at the same time. 

“S’not your fault” I whispered into his neck and I’m afraid that is what broke him because he began to cry into my neck his warm tears making my skin wet. 

I took him away from the rest of the boys into the kitchen. 

“Why didn’t you say something?” He said as he continued to cry  
“I came here as soon as it happened, you know how much I love you Ni, but I just needed to be with Lou” I said hoping he wouldn’t be angry   
“I get it but you should of told me Harry I would of beat his ass”  
“I was ashamed”  
“Of what?”  
“Of looking weak”  
“You’re not weak, you hear that you’re not, you’re so strong Haz you’re one of the strongest people I know”   
“Why didn’t you tell me” he added with a sigh 

“It’s not your fault, there’s nothing you could of done”  
“I could of beat his ass” he said and I just scoffed knowing that Nialls probably the one who’d end up getting his ass beat

“Can we talk about it another day? Can we just eat and watch a movie. No guilt, just happy thoughts and love and positivity and no tears” I said as I wiped his tears away   
“Of course, I love you Hazza don’t forget about it”  
“I love you too Niall, I could never forget and you shouldn’t either” I said and gave me another hug. 

We walked out back to the rest with our arms hooked and Louis just gave me a soft smile and my heart melted. 

Throughout the dinner I could tell the boys were being gentle with me, trying not to say anything that would upset me. It was a bit irritating but I didn’t say anything because I knew they were just trying. 

Louis would always change the topic when he saw I was uncomfortable and he’d constantly lean over and whisper asking how I was doing, it was so considerate of him. Every time I couldn’t help but blush feeling his warm breath on my skin which made the boys look at us with smirks thinking it was something it wasn’t.

Then after the dinner and cupcakes we decided to play monopoly, I wasn’t actually playing I was just sitting next to Louis with legs on his lap and hugging his left arm as I laid my head on his shoulder. Louis was rubbing soothing circles on my legs and giving me gentle squeezes every now and then. 

It was nice and I could stay like this for the rest of my life. 

But soon enough we were moving down to the movie room, Niall had suggested we watch a scary movie and I really didn’t want to but I wanted to cuddle with Louis so I sighed and followed them downstairs. 

As soon as we got there I sat down next to Louis my legs over his and his arm around my waist with his thumb softly stroking my hipbone. I couldn’t focus on the movie just the movement from Louis hand and his soft breathing.

Half way through the movie I could feel my eyelids get heavier and I sank further into the couch with my head on Louis chest. 

“Lou” I whispered   
“Yeah?” He asked as he kissed the top of my head.   
“If I fall asleep, will you take me to bed?”   
“Of course baby”  
“Stay”  
“What?”  
“If I do fall asleep and you take my to bed, don’t leave me okay? Just stay and hold me. I know I’ll be asleep but I’m telling you now that I want you to”  
“Are you sure I just don’t want to overstep or make you feel uncomfortable”  
“You won’t, I promise”   
“Okay” he said placing another kiss in my hair. 

I laid my head back down on his chest and closed my eyes hoping he would hold me tonight. 

\- - - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a long one, I really home you all enjoyed reading this it took me awhile to write I had a bit of writers block yesterday but I think I’m getting in the hang of stuff. 
> 
> I’d also appreciate if you comment your thoughts I’d love some feedback and it really does motivate me to continue writing!❤️


	18. Chapter nineteen

Louis' pov~  
Thursday 4th May - 6:54 pm - 📍London

After the movie night with the boys things between me and Harry were different, mostly in a good way. We'd share a bed now most nights, even if we didn't cuddle or anything it felt nice to feel his presence next to me. 

There were some days where Harry would distance himself from me and want to be alone and I'd give him the time and space he needed. When that did happen I'd sped the day with one of the other boys then return at night and we'd not talk about it. 

As the days flew by we fell into this comfortable routine, I would get up before him and let out the dogs and then make us some tea, then he'd come down ready for the day and start on breakfast while I got ready for the day. Then we'd do our own thing, sometimes watch a movie together and we'd mostly order in for lunch and then in the evenings we'd cook dinner together and watch a movie or a show before heading to bed. 

But soon that was coming to an end, tomorrow we'd be heading off to the us for our North American leg of the tour. The first week we got there would only be press and interviews, which was somewhat nice. Getting use to the time change and all of that. 

I'm not going to lie I was somewhat disappointed when Harry had requested his own room. I didn't show to him that I was disappointed because I didn't want to make him feel bad about his decision. I completely understood it and respected it. 

But it didn't stop me from spiraling and thinking what if he didn't want to be here with me, what if he felt like he needed to be staying with me because I helped him when Victor had done what he did. 

"Harry" I said as I kept my eyes on the tv screen that was playing some boring romcom  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you feel like you have to be here?"   
"What do you mean?"  
"Like do you feel like you have to be here, like you owe me something and that's why you stayed here?"  
"Like in your house?"   
"Yeah"  
"Don't you want me here?" He asked with a worried look on his face   
"No no it's not that, I want you here but I don't want you to feel forced to be here just because I want you here, does that even make sense?"   
"I want to be here Lou, I promise" he said   
"Okay" I said looking down at my lap. 

I didn't want to sound clingy or dumb with what I was saying, I was scared that I had grown attached. It only had been a couple days, but it just felt so right and I'm afraid I'd forgotten what it felt like falling asleep without him. 

"Is this about me wanting my own hotel room?" He asked and I could hear the smile in his voice   
"S'not funny" I said   
"I'm not laughing" he said while giggling and I just looked at him would raised brows   
"I said I wanted my own room because I didn't want to be a burden to you and I didn't want to feel like you had to put up with me" he said   
"No I told you I want you here" I said as I looked up at him   
"Yea but I didn't know that applied on tour and stuff" he said with a grin   
"You should of asked me" I said 

He just giggled a bit before moving my hands from my lap and climbing over to straddle me. I couldn't help but put my hands on his hips instinctively as he wrapped his arms around my neck. 

"It's okay boo bear, I can still come and cuddle with you" he said with a grin on his face. 

When the pet name left his pretty soft pink lips, i could feel my heart flutter and a blush creep up to my face. It had been so long since I heard that pet name

"Sorry I shouldn't of called you that, I'm sorry" he said as he moved to get off of me but I just griped him tighter by the hips.   
"No I like it"   
"You always said you hated it" he said with raised brows   
"Because I didn't want to sound like a baby" I said blushing   
"You're so freaking cute" Harry said with the biggest grin on his face.

He brought me closer to his chest hugging me tighter and I couldn't help but smile against his shoulder and place soft kisses on it. My breath hitched when I felt Harry place kisses on my neck and I knew where this would lead. But I couldn't let it go there no matter how much I wanted it. 

"Harry" I said with a groan as I gripped his hips a bit tighter.   
He didn't say anything but just continued placing soft kisses on my neck. He then started nibbling on my neck and I knew that would leave a mark and Harry knew that too.   
"Harry, we can't"  
"Please" he whispered against my neck and as he continued to nibble and wiggle his butt on my lap.  
"We can't" I said trying my best to not give in  
"Why not"   
"Please Harry, just not now, you know the three date rule" I joked as I slightly pushed him off of me   
"I'm sorry" he said as he got off of my lap 

I could see the hurt in Harry's eyes and I felt guilty but I just couldn't go through with it right now, he was in a vulnerable position and I wanted to things the right way around and not just jump into bed with him. 

"Don't say sorry" I said   
"Maybe I should go" Harry said as he got off the couch   
"No Harry you don't have to"  
"No no I just think maybe it would be better if I stayed the night at Nialls and I'll see you at the airport tomorrow" he said looking at everything but me   
"Harry don't be daft you're staying here" I said   
"No no really I think it's for the better, we should use it as practice getting use to not having one another around all the time" he said 

Before I could even get a word in he was leaving the room and running up the stairs. I just sat on the couch confused at what just happened, was that all Harry wanted? And if I didn't give him whaat he wanted he'd just leave? Was it all a lie? 

There was so much running through my head at the moment that I didn't know what to do or say. Soon Harry was back in the living room dressed up and had a big bag with him, assuming he had clothes with him. 

"I have already packed so maybe I could send someone over tonight to pick it up. I'm probably just gonna spend the night at Nialls or something" he said looking down at his feet.  
"Harry you don't have to go I don't want you to go" I told him truthfully   
"It's just for the better" he said again before giving me a small smile and leaving the living room. 

Soon I heard the door close and it was just me and the dogs. I just let out a sigh turning off the bed and walking with dogs upstairs. 

"It's just you guys and me tonight" I said with sigh. 

Me and the dogs just laid in bed while watching some reality show, not really paying attention. Just pondering in my thoughts, I was just so confused about Harry and what he wanted. I wasn't gonna lie i couldn't help but wonder what If I just gave into him, would he still be here in my bed.

He wasn't lying when he said he'd send someone over to get his bags and he did. Soon it felt all too empty and the only traces of him ever being here were some stay clothing and some of his toiletries laying around. 

\- - - -   
📍Airport lounge - 9:12 am 

Zayn had picked me up on the way to the airport and I had told him about the Harry thing and he was very annoyed with Harry to say the least. 

"He's not trustworthy" was Zayns exact words and it kept playing in my head. 

It was only me and Zayn currently in the lounge waiting for the other guys to arrive. I was nervous about seeing Harry, I didn't know how to act or what to say to him. I could feel my heart beating quickly and my hands feeling clammy, I found myself glancing towards the door multiple times just to see if Harry would walk through. 

Me and Zayn were eating our breakfast in peace when the door to the lounge opened to reveal a tired looking Niall and a happy Liam. But no Harry.

"Hey boys" Liam said as he walked over to us and sitting down next to me, while Niall sat down next to Zayn.   
"Hey, hows it?" Zayn asked and they just nodded both obviously tired.   
"No Harry?" Liam asked looking at me   
"No he went to Nialls last night" I said nodding towards Niall.   
"What?" Niall asked confused   
"Harry stayed at yours last night" Zayn said   
"No I haven't heard from him in a couple days" Niall said   
"Then where is he?" I asked as I started to get worried about Harry's whereabouts. 

"Let me just call him" Niall said as he brought out his phone   
"Speaking of the devil" Zayn said nodding towards the door where Harry was stood. 

He was wearing a short sleeved t shirt that hugged his body tightly and a pair of beige trousers, he's hair wasn't really styled just a middle part. One thing that was very noticeable was the love bites and hickeys all over his neck. 

"Where have you been" Liam asked and everyone could see it and I could see Zayns ball his hands into fists.  
"I came straight from home, Niall you were suppose to wait for me" he said   
"Sorry I didn't know"   
"I thought you were staying at Nialls" I said trying to control my anger   
"I was but I just wanted to go home and be alone" he lied   
"Your neck says otherwise" Zayn mumbled causing me to laugh as Harry quickly covered his neck with his hands. 

I just didn't understand Harry, how could he want something with me if he'd just sleep around. One thing was clear to me now more then ever, Harry was just out after sex. 

Harry wouldn't even look my way, almost as he was ashamed, as he should. I was trying my best to hide my anger, if I was being completely honest I was at a loss for words. I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel or what I was even allowed to feel. I was just praying we could board soon and I could get out of this situation or he would leave. 

I was actually happy that we had separate rooms right about now. 

"Harry how about we go get breakfast" Niall said as he stood up and Harry just nodded. 

"So you two?" Liam asked when Niall and Harry left   
"That was not from me, I turned him down but I guess he's shown what he was after and it just shows that he got it from elsewhere"   
"I'm sorry" Liam said as he patted me on the back   
"No no there's nothing to be sorry for, it's all good" I said as I continued to eat my breakfast   
\- - - -  
Harry' pov 

"Niall I fucked up" I said as soon as we walked away from the group   
"Why? How?" He asked   
"Look at my neck"  
"It's not from Louis?"   
"No" I said as I was too embarrassed to look at Niall   
"Harry please don't tell me" he began to trail off  
"I'm sorry Ni, it's just he showed up at my door and he was sorry and I know I shouldn't of but Louis rejected me and I felt so bad and then victor showed up and I just- I just couldn't say no" I said trying my best to not cry   
"I know it's hard Haz, I know but you should of came to my house and what do you mean Louis rejected you?"   
"I came on to him and he said no which is fair but I just felt so unwanted and I don't know honestly"  
"Harry fucking hell if you're horny you jack off or fucking take a cold shower, you don't go fuck you ex that's hurt you, physically and emotionally" Niall said clearly annoyed at me 

"You don't think I know that, you don't think I understand how fucked up it is to constantly run back to the single person who hurts me. Because I'm scared that I'll never be loved or wanted. So I go running back to the one person I know wants me and it doesn't matter how much they hurt me because at least he wants me. I get that it's so fucked up, I know Niall so you don't have to remind me" I said letting all my frustrations out on him 

"Harry I know that I'll never understand what it is being in a situation like that, I just want what's best for you and I don't want to see you self destructing and that's what you're doing right now, just because Louis wouldn't have sex with you does not mean he's rejecting you" Niall said   
"I know you want what's best for me and I'm sorry for acting like a dick. But I don't know it just felt like he didn't want me" I said referring to Louis   
"You can't keep doing this Haz because one day Lou is not gonna take you back"  
"I know" I said looking down at my feet letting the tears fall.  
"No tears alright? It's all gonna be okay" Niall said as he wrapped his arm around me and I just nodded. 

After me and Niall ate our breakfast away from the rest of the boys, we then boarded the plane and I could see Louis a couple seats ahead of me next to Zayn. 

After we took off I saw Louis get up and got help from a flight attendant to help turn his seat into a bed and as soon as he got help he thanked her and flashed his kind smile to here and I could feel my heart melt. 

I waited around hoping Zayn would get up and leave so I could sneak off to Louis. After convincing Niall to bring Zayn to his seat, I walked over to Lou who had the covers to his neck and his eyes closed.

I felt like a creep watching him sleep so I decided to lift the covers and lay down on him. 

"What are you doing" he asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist.   
I didn't say anything just pulled the covers over our heads incase any fans would walk through first class and snap a picture.   
"I'm sorry" I whispered as I laid my head down on his shoulder   
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't of left" I said as I began to cry into his shoulder.   
"Let's just talk about it at the hotel, I'm not in the head space to talk about it now, I'm too tired" he said and I just nodded trying to stifle my crying. 

"Stop crying" he said and I could tell he was annoyed   
"Do you want me to leave?"  
"Just sleep"

\- - - - - -   
📍LA, hotel 

We had arrived at the hotel and I was in my room accompanied by Niall. I was pacing back and forth in the hotel room, wondering if I should go over to Louis or wait to see if he'd come. I just didn't want to throw myself on him like I had the other night or on the plane to be quite frank. 

"Stop pacing, he said he'd come to your room right?" Niall said from the bed   
"Yea but it's like he could of just been saying it just so I'd leave him alone" I said 

Before Niall had the chance to say anything there was a knock on the door and I practically ran to the door. 

"Hey" i said when I saw Louis   
"Hey, you busy?" He asked as I let him in 

"Hey Niall"   
"Niall was just leaving" I said as I sent a look towards Niall and he just nodded   
"Hi Louis, bye Louis" Niall said as he got off of my bed and leaving. 

"Have a seat" I said to Lou   
"Just say what you have to say" Louis said harshly   
"I honestly am not sure what to say, I'm sorry for leaving and over reacting specially when we had such a good thing going"   
"That's the thing Haz we didn't even have the chance to get a good thing going before you went and fucked someone else" he said as he slumped down on my bed   
"I'm sorry it just hard to explain and i wanted it to be you Lou"  
"So I won't have sex with you so you decide to go sleep with someone else"   
"I just don't get why you'd want me to practically live with you and share a room with you if didn't want that"   
"Is that what you think? That I was doing all that just so I could get sex from you?" He asked anger visible in his face   
"No that's not what I meant, I just don't know it's hard for me to imagine that you'd want anything else" I said truthfully   
"Fucking hell Harry" he said as he threw himself backward down on the bed   
"I'm sorry"

"Stop saying sorry, you don't understand how shitty that makes me feel, the fact that you believe I did all that just so I could get in your pants. How could you ever believe that? I was too fucking afraid to hug you let alone fuck you" he said running his hands through his hair   
"I'm sorry" I said again not knowing what else to say as I went over to sit on his stomach just so I could see his face.   
"All anyone has ever wanted from me is sex so it's hard for me to believe that anyone would do something from the kindness of their heart so I'm sorry Louis If that's what i thought and it's just so hard for me"   
"Harry I would never ask for anything in return nor expect it and I pushed you off because I wanted to do it the right way and not just jump into bed. I wanted to take it one step at a time. Even if you didn't want to try again with and you'd come over I wouldn't expect anything from you. I just want you to be happy and I want what's best for you weather it's with me or not" he said 

"I'm such a shit person" i said in between sobs   
"Don't cry and you're not Harry and you don't owe me anything and if you said you wanted to try again because you felt pressured then you can tell me and I won't be upset or anything"  
"No no, I want to try again I really really do, I'm just scared and there's this voice in my head constantly telling me all this bad stuff and sometimes it's hard not to listen"   
"Trust me I get it, I do and it's so easy to listen to the voice I've been there I have. And I understand that I don't have the right to be angry because we're just friends but it does hurt you know" he said looking at me   
"I get it and I'm sorry Lou I am, I just felt so unwanted and I needed to feel wanted" I said as I continued to cry   
"I get it Harry I really do, you don't owe me anything we're friends and when we do decide to be more if that's what we want then hopefully none of us will get with anyone else"   
"What if none of us get with anyone while we're waiting" I suggested   
"If we both agree to that then we both have to stick to it" he said looking at me with weariness in his eyes   
"I know"  
"I can't take getting hurt again Harry"   
"I won't, I promise I really do promise" I said pleading that he'd believe me 

I was planning on keeping my promise and I could go through with it if I could stay away from victor. We'd be on tour for at least 3 months and that gave me time from him and it was good, it was a start. I really wanted to make it work with Louis and I would do anything to make it work. 

"Okay" he said nodding and I could tell he didn't believe fully which I understood.   
"So was it some random guy or?" He asked 

I couldn't tell him, we were just getting back on track and I couldn't tell him I went back to Victor. 

"I don't kiss and tell" I said trying to play it off and it seemed to work 

"Fine, I should head back to my room you know, I'm pretty tired. It's been a long day" he said and I just nodded getting off of him.   
"I'll follow you out, I needed to talk to Niall anyway" I said as we both got off the bed  
"So what you girls can gossip?" He teased and I just lightly pushed him and he just laughed   
"I'll see you tomorrow I guess" he said as we left my room   
"Yes you will" I said as I watched him walk to his door

As soon as he disappeared into his room I started frantically knocking on Nialls door and when he opened I just pushed past him. 

"You can not tell Louis or anyone else that I was with Victor last night" I said as I jumped on his bed   
"Okay, may I ask why?"  
"Me and Lou just kinda talked things out and if he knew it was Victor it would be done and dusted and I can't lose him, I just can't" I said pleading with Niall   
"I get that, but is it a good to start a relationship or what ever it is, with a lie?"  
"Niall you can't tell him"  
"I won't, I'm just telling you I don't think it's a good idea. I won't be telling him but lying is never a great idea, the truth always comes out"   
"Only you and me know and none of us are saying anything" I said   
"I know but it's just one of those things that'll come out later and might fuck shit up" Niall said   
"I just feel like what does it matter who I slept with, it makes no difference" I said trying to justify not telling Louis   
"I don't know Harry I just want things to not fuck up later on if he were to find out, I don't think he would forgive you again. It's just so much one person can take"   
"Well good thing he's not finding out" I said   
And Niall just let out of a sigh 

\- - - - -  
Louis' pov 

After leaving Harry I went to my room but only stayed there for about 5 minutes before going to Zayns room. It wasn't even surprising to see Liam laying in Zayns bed but I just laid down next to him with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Liam asked me as Zayn got in beside me  
"I talked to Harry"   
"What did he say" Zayn asked   
"Not a lot actually, I don't even remember but he was crying" I said

The whole conversation was hazy and I knew I had been too quick to let it all go but I just couldn't take it, seeing him cry and the stuff he said about everyone just wanting him for sex. Constantly sexualizing him since he was 16 and Victor messing him up in the head to the point where he believed it was all he was good for. 

"You forgave him didn't you" Zayn said   
"Well it's not like he cheated on me we weren't in a relationship to begin with, he has every right to sleep with whoever" I said trying to justify Harry's actions   
"Lou you're too kind you're gonna end up getting hurt" Zayn said   
"I just I can't say no to him and as much as I never want to feel the pain that he put through ever again, I'd do all over again for him" I said truthfully   
"You're so fucking dumb Lou, you know that" Zayn said   
"Be kind, it's just one of those things, everyone has that person they'd do anything and everything for, Louis person is Harry" Liam said backing me   
"Who's your person" Zayn asked Liam with a small smile on his face. 

"This is about Louis not me" Liam protested causing us to laugh   
"I just don't know but if it happened again it's the end I can't go back, I just can't" I said   
"I don't think you should go back now or ever" Zayn said   
"Can we stop talking about it, just cuddle me to sleep" I said 

Zayn just sighed as he wrapped his arms around me followed by Liam doing the same.   
"What are we gonna do with you Tommo" Zayn said with a sigh   
"Just cuddle me and it'll all work out" I said and Zayn just sighed while Liam chuckled. 

"Good night" Liam said   
"Good night my dads" I said causing them to both laugh   
"Good night" Zayn said giving me a squeeze. 

It felt nice being in between the boys, I felt so comfortable, safe and secure when being held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay it's just been a lot going on in my private life but hopefully I'll be posting more often. 
> 
> Honestly I know this chapter was shit, but I am trying my best. So let me know what you all think and I'll try to do better in the next chapter.


End file.
